Page 127 of Wait For It

Was there anything sadder than the stark reminder that eventually everything ran out?

Time.

Affection.

It seemed the only thing I’d hold onto would be the insurmountable pain of losing him. Maybe that would be the burden I carried in this life.

I’d spent the last ten years wondering if I could ever mean something to him like he had me. I did, just not like I imagined. I would forever be a symbol of destruction, the woman who ripped everything he loved away from him.

The muscle in his jaw ticked as he bit out, “I told you I believed in myself. When you asked me about miracles, I told you it was all bullshit. So, you know what? If there is a God, then I imagine he’s probably having a pretty good laugh at my expense right now. I’m getting what I deserve. My biggest sin was pride. I was filled to the fucking brim with it, and now, I’ve got nothing.”

“I know I’ve hurt you,” I said softly, my eyes brimming with tears.

“Hurt?” Killian roared suddenly, squeezing the railing until his arms shook. “Are you fucking serious? Blowing out my knee hurt, Ariana! This is in an entirely new stratosphere!”

I rubbed my eyes but stayed silent. I’d wanted to make him real, but this didn’t feel like a victory. His pain was indistinguishable from mine; my heart simply incapable of telling the difference.

The urge to hold him was overwhelming, like the call of a siren. With that in mind, I wrapped my arms around myself and walked farther out onto the dock, giving him my back.

“I broke every one of my goddamned rules for you,” he drawled with a bitter chuckle. “Every. Single. One. Then, as I’m being arrested—which, by the way, thank you so very much for that—I find out it was all a lie!”

His footsteps moved closer, but I honored his request and didn’t turn around. He deserved the right to purge his rage, to force me to listen to the chaos I’d created in his world. I’d take it, even if his every word felt like a knife sliding under my skin.

“You told me you were scared of your father yet failed to mention he was Tristan fucking James. I should have figured it out when you kept bringing up religion.” Killian paused, and I didn’t need to turn around to know he was drinking. I could hear the liquid splashing against the inside of the bottle.

“Was it a game to you—making me believe you were afraid?”

“I was afraid. I still am.”

“Bullshit,” Killian spat, letting the bottle fall to the deck with a thud. “Of what? Growing up in a mansion? Having your entire music career handed to you by your father’s church? Tell me, Ariana. What the hell do you know about actual fear?”

My spine stiffened, and I cocked my head to the side, catching him out of the corner of my eye. “Why’d you come? And of all places, why here?”

Killian positioned himself at my back, close enough that I could feel the heat of his body. If I rocked back, my hips would be resting against his thighs. We’d been in an almost identical position just two nights ago in front of his bathroom mirror.

“I thought it was only right that we end where we started,” he slurred against my ear, the scent of hard liquor stinging my nostrils.

Killian was drunk.

Broken.

Because of me.

“I want you to have to stand in the spot where you saved me and explain why you lied. I want to ruin this place for you, so you can’t come back without remembering tonight. I want to rip you apart like you’ve done me.”

“You’re scaring me,” I whispered, turning back to the water.

“Good. Now you know what it feels like.” The dock creaked as he leaned in to deposit my necklace on the railing, before pulling away again. “I think this is yours.”

He could have just as easily launched it into the water but hadn’t because he wasn’t a bad person.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, scooping the necklace into my palm and tucking it into my pocket. There was nothing left for me to say because my words meant nothing. I meant nothing.

Little waves splashed against the same wooden pilings that had held his body ten years ago. As I peered down into the lake, I was almost convinced I’d find him there again, but the murky water gave nothing away.

My heart had been racing for the past forty-eight hours, stuck in an endless loop of fight or flight. Now, weakened by hunger and exhaustion, I found myself contemplating suicide. It was a solution I hadn’t considered, but the only one that would save us both. Killian would keep his career, and I’d finally be free.

The water was freezing, I doubted I’d be able to last more than fifteen minutes. It’d be fitting, really, to sacrifice myself in the same spot I saved him. Like I was exchanging my life for his, setting things right. Maybe the good parts of me were still down there, caught under the dock, awaiting my return.

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