Page 100 of Through the Water

In spite of the serious nature of Killian’s confession, I burst out laughing. Given that my preliminary plan had involved using him as a means of escape, it seemed like an entirely logical response.

“They tried to wean me off my seizure medication. Turns out, that was a terrible idea,” I explained with another chuckle.

Killian, however, did not share my humor. His lovely and decidedly un-caterpillar-like eyebrows pulled together in concern as he took in my reaction. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry—”

My smile faded. I hated that his rejection could crush my spirit as easily as his absence had. “You’re sorry—so, you came all this way just to clear your conscience?”

It would have been easier if he’d never come back at all. Because this time, I’d be forced to watch as he walked away from me for the last time.

“I—” His throat bobbed in a swallow. “Is that what you want?”

No.

Yes.

Can we go back to the part where you kiss me, and we never have conversations that feel like goodbye?

After blinking away the conflicting thoughts and sudden tears of frustration that pricked my eyes, I offered up my best fake smile. “Look, I’ve got to go—the bus is waiting.”

I brushed past him, allowing my nostrils the sadistic pleasure of furiously inhaling his cologne, before making my way toward the front doors.

See—progress.

“Ari.” I heard the squeak of his crutch behind me and considered breaking into a sprint to avoid hearing anything else. “Ari, wait!”

It only hurts if you let it…

I turned, trying to coerce my wobbling lips into another smile before giving up with a growl. “What? What else is there to say? I’m sorry I had a seizure and made you change your mind? Seriously, you could have saved yourself the trip because I got the message loud and clear the first time.”

There was a small part of me that longed to tell him I was the one who’d saved him, just to see his reaction. But I wouldn’t trap a man in a cage built of obligation, forcing even the smallest measures of admiration to wither into resentment.

Killian’s face paled, and he came to a sudden stop. “Changed my mind? Jesus Christ, Ariana. You really think I’d tell you I wanted to be with you, only to take it back the next day?”

Promises were easily made and easily broken; I knew that as well as anybody.

His eyes narrowed as he took a step toward me. “Answer the question. Do you really think that you mean so little to me—”

“I woke up, and you were gone,” I whispered, avoiding his gaze, afraid of what I might find reflected in his eyes. “What was I supposed to think?”

Killian flinched at the cold assessment before jerking his chin in a nod. “You’re right. I got scared and ran, thinking nothing could be worse than the seven minutes I held you during that seizure. Turns out, I was wrong. The hardest thing has been living without you for the last ten days.”

“Why did you come back, Killian?”

I had to will my feet to stay where they were when he admitted, “I came back for you if you’ll have me.”

The tingling sensation returned with a vengeance as I watched his teeth come together, flexing the muscle in his jaw. But before I flung myself into his arms and plastered his face with kisses, I had a few questions I needed answered.

“What if it happens again?”

He stilled. “I won’t leave if that’s what you’re asking—not unless you want me to. No amount of apologizing can take away the hurt I caused when I walked away from you, and that will haunt me for the rest of my life. The only thing I can do is keep showing up to prove it to you.”

This time, I erased the distance between us to place my hand against his chest, feeling the steady thrumming beneath my palm. “Do you promise you won’t look at me differently than you did before—” I bit down on my lip. “I don’t want you staying out of some sense of pity.”

Killian held my eyes with his. “I feel a lot of things when I look at you, Ari, but pity isn’t one of them.”

The rumbled tone of his voice reignited the spark of longing in my lower belly, and I gazed up at him in confusion.

What was he doing to me?

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