Page 69 of Protector

“We lost a child, for Chrissakes, Celia!” He ran the back of his hand over his eyes, his tears mixing with the rain. “What do I want? I want you to react, goddammit!”

“Stop!” I held my palms up weakly. “Please stop!”

“No! You wanna pretend it never happened, but I’m fuckin’ dyin’ here!”

“You think I’m pretending it never happened?” I let out a guttural roar. “July fourteenth, Jamie! Our baby would be turning four on July fourteenth. So, don’t you accuse me of acting like it never happened!”

The cords in his neck strained as he mashed his lips together to stop them from trembling. “You said you never cry,” he forced out through clenched teeth, angrily brushing more tears away with the back of his hand.

“I can’t.” I tried swallowing past the sudden lump in my throat. “If I do, then I’ll never stop. I did this to us!”

“How?” he demanded. “How in the fuck is any of this your fault?”

It wasn’t fair. He’d been reading books on how to help me, and I was the one responsible for all of it. I wasn’t worthy of any of his sympathy. “I pushed you away—”

“And you had every fuckin’ right to. I was strung out, and you deserved better than that!”

I shook my head, dragging my hands through my soaking wet hair in frustration. “No, Jamie! You deserved better! They all know you’re alive because of me… because of the things I did!”

“Whatever you did was because I left you and the girls on your own. Ain’t gonna hold any of it against you—”

When he tried reaching for me, I backed away. “Money started going missing, and the electricity got shut off. I didn’t know what else to do!”

His eyebrows drew together in confusion, but I continued before he could say another word. “At first, it was small amounts, and I assumed that I’d gotten careless and misplaced it. Then, it was enough that I couldn’t pay the bills. Hawk said he’d tried reaching you—”

“I never heard a word from him. Trust me, if I had, I would’ve—”

I nodded. “I know that now. I should’ve told you, but I was naïve and stupid. I turned to gambling; thought that I could win the money back, and it’d be like it never happened. Someone broke in not long after you brought money the last time and took all of it. Hawk got me into a high-stakes blackjack game…”

A sour taste filled my mouth at the memory, and I dug my fingernails into my arm to keep from getting sick.

“What happened?” he asked quietly.

“I won.” My voice cracked. “Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. I had a plan too. I was going to open multiple accounts and spread it out. I didn’t know then that two of the men at the table were working with Hawk. They waited until my father left and…”

A wave of dizziness washed over me, and I stumbled back, righting myself just before I went down in the mud again.

The muscle in his jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth and I lowered my head in shame.

“I’m sorry.”

My head jerked up at the apology.

“I am. None of this shit would’ve happened had I not left. It’s been on your shoulders too long, princess. Time to let it go.”

I pursed my lips together. “Don’t do that. Don’t minimize what I did.”

He moved closer and reached for me again. This time, I didn’t pull away. His arms tightened around my waist and my palms clenched into fists. “You did the best you could, and you’ve been so brave for so fuckin’ long. It’s time for me to be brave for you. Let me take care of you.”

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness,” I whispered, my eyes stinging with unshed tears.

“Ain’t nothin’ to forgive, darlin’. Just let go.”

“I—I can’t,” I weakly admitted, resting my chin against his chest.

He ignored the raindrops running rivers down his face and nodded forcefully. “You can.” He shifted until I was at arm’s length in front of him. “Forgive yourself.”

I broke away with a pant. “The girl you loved before is gone, and I don’t know how to get her back…”

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