Page 40 of Protector

“Yeah,” he cut in. “Because I didn’t lose myself in the bottle or get strung out on whatever the club was sellin’. That’s your problem, though; you love wallowin’ in your own shit. Yeah, you were raised in a fucked-up environment, but at some point, you gotta man the fuck up, Jamie.”

I rubbed my swollen eyes and took a drag. “We ain’t all you—”

“No, and thank Christ for it. My girl needed me to be strong for both of us, and I was. You would’ve ended it and left her alone. I mean, look at you! Fuckin’ pathetic. You ain’t doin’ this for any reason other than you can’t handle their pain. Guess what, asshole? It’s your motherfuckin’ job to be their provider!”

I felt the vein pulsing in my neck and snapped, “She was pregnant and lost our baby because of me. Because I fuckin’ failed at my job as her husband, John! Mikey killed someone because I failed at being a good father. They’re better off without me.”

He nodded. “Maybe they are because it’s always been all about you. Your wife is beaten and raped, and you’re hung up on how much it hurts you. Your boy makes a mistake that most people go to prison over, and you’re mopin’ about what kind of dad you were? You don’t wanna end up just like your old man, then change it! Jesus Christ, just harden the fuck up!”

I jumped up, ready to fight. “I am my old man! Whatever was in him runs through my veins, the same as it does Mikey’s!”

He stood up and squared off with me. “Then do it, Jamie. Put a bullet in your brain so that it fixes things for you. Who gives a fuck how the rest of us are, right?”

I couldn’t punch or kick my way out of the situation because, as much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Instead, I dropped back down to my knees with a cry. “How’d you do it? How’d you fix it?”

Slim ran his hands over his face before kneeling beside me and placing a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t fix it. Some things can’t be undone no matter how hard we want them to be. Best we can do is pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and be a rock for them.”

“Dick said she moved on; found someone else. What good am I gonna be to her now?”

She would’ve been better off had she never met me.

“I’d be wary of anything her old man told you; he’s had it out for you for years. And even if she did move on, so what? I don’t think for one second that Celia’s taken the time to fully accept what happened to her. She’s not in the right frame of mind to do anything. But there will be a day when she lets herself feel it, and your ass better be there to help her grieve.”

He lit up another cigarette. “This is what I was tryin’ to tell you. Your feelings don’t matter because it didn’t happen to you. So, you can be a selfish prick who ends it because shit hurts too much, or you can choose to be better. That means you give up the drinkin’ and drugs though.”

I laughed. “So, give up the only things that have kept me going?”

His mouth flattened into a thin line before disappearing behind his beard. “They ain’t kept you goin’; they’ve slowed you down. You couldn’t protect them before. Jamie, this is your chance to redeem yourself. There ain’t a doubt in my mind that if you had a clear head and a solid plan, you’d wipe the motherfuckers off the map tomorrow. Ultimately, it’s your choice, though.”

I’d been digging my own grave for as long as I could remember, but instead of dropping a handful of dirt onto me and walking away, Slim had reached down and pulled me out.

Just as I was ready to give up.

As usual, he was right. If I wanted to see my girl smile and hear her laugh again, then I had to fight for it with everything I had. Completely sober. She deserved a man who was strong enough to slay his own demons before coming for hers.

I might’ve lost my way, but it was suddenly clear. Never had any other choice but her.

Celia.

I chose Celia.

Chapter Eight

Celia: 2004

The phone rang again, its shrill noise assaulting my ears. When I made no attempt to pick it up, Molly raised her eyebrow and walked over to it.

“You gonna get that?” She checked the caller ID. “I don’t think he’s taking the hint.”

I stayed where I was and scraped a plate over the trash can before shaking my head. “Nope.”

Rock bottom had been moving in with my parents at the age of twenty-nine. It was an arrangement that had lasted all of two months. As if discovering that my mother had been withholding food from Dakota and shaming Kate for developing breasts wasn’t bad enough, the house hadn’t had one showing.

According to the realtor, any potential buyers were scared off by rumors of a murder having taken place inside the house. It didn’t matter that there wasn’t an ounce of truth to it, the damage had been done.

I almost found it amusing that the same neighbors who hid behind curtains and brick walls whenever I walked out onto my porch had gone out of their way to ensure I couldn’t leave.

So, I stayed; trapped in a house that held nothing but pain and memories of Jamie.

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