Page 131 of Deserter

She shook her head. “No. I’ve tried calling, but it’s like she’s never home. She really needs a cell phone, Jamie.”

The uneasy feeling increased and I stared blankly at the fridge, stroking my beard, and trying to figure out what it was I’d missed.

It didn’t escape my attention that the two of them had begun backing away slowly, watching me with narrowed eyes as if I might attack at any second.

Slim kept his eyes on mine, even as he spoke to Lou. “Baby, me and Grey are gonna sit out back and shoot the shit. How’s that sound?”

I didn’t know whether he was talking to me or her but nodded anyway. “Sure. Let’s go talk about our feelings over a few beers.”

He didn’t change his stance but began cracking each knuckle on his right hand. I’d been around long enough to know it’d be the only warning I’d get.

When we reached the patio, I lit up a cigarette and began pacing while Slim dropped into a chair and popped the top on his beer. “Where’s she going?”

His beard, which had been solid black for as long as I could remember was now streaked with strands of silver. I studied the lines around his eyes, with the realization that the war had taken so much from all of us.

I took a drag and ran my hand over my face. “Not one fuckin’ clue.”

The breath caught in my throat as the image of her fucking someone else popped in, uninvited.

Celia wouldn’t do that to me.

I’d known her for eleven years and I could read her better than anyone. If she’d had second thoughts about us, I would’ve seen it.

“You know,” Slim began. “We haven’t been at war with anyone for three years.”

“Okay… and your point is, what exactly?” I cocked my head to the side, trying and failing to see where he was going.

He chuckled and tipped the bottle back. “That’s always been your downfall. Can’t see the damn forest for the trees. What’s the one thing you want more than anything?”

“Celia,” I replied without hesitation.

“What’s stood in your way? Club shit, right?” I nodded. “How old was Wolverine when he passed the club onto you?”

I sank down in the chair next to his when I realized what he was saying. “He was, what, forty-two? You tellin’ me I could turn the club over and go live happily ever after?”

With a booming laugh, Slim nodded. “Yeah, fucker. That’s exactly what I’m sayin’. You want to have a family, then go get them.”

I stubbed out the cigarette and pinched my lower lip between my fingers. “Ain’t that simple. She’s been asking me to leave her alone for years; won’t even let me into the house to see my kids when they’re asleep. I made my fuckin’ bed when I decided to fake my own death.”

“Never said it was gonna be easy, but if you love her like I love Lou, then for fuck’s sake, do something about it. This club will support whatever you decide.”

I tried to imagine a life outside of Silent Phoenix with family vacations and never having to wonder if they were okay. “She won’t buy it,” I said, more to myself. “She’d never in a million years believe that I was leaving the club.”

“So, you don’t tell her. You show her. It might take a month or two to get new leadership in place, but then you’re free. You go home and start over.”

Slim took another swig of beer before continuing. “She may not like it at first, but she’ll come around. Trust me, she needs you, whether she says so or not.”

My imagination ran wild with the possibilities. We could go out to dinner, like normal people, without me flinching at every person who walked in. I’d take my girls to the comic store and chaperone their school dances to make sure no prick laid a hand on them. I’d spend my nights wrapped around Celia, cradling her belly in my hands.

“We could have another baby,” I whispered, caught up in the fantasy of being a nobody again. I could picture her pregnant again, but this time, I wouldn’t miss a thing.

“Sure. You wanna go back to diapers when your oldest is about to graduate high school, be my fuckin’ guest. I’m just trying to tell you that it ain’t the end of the road if you walk away. I don’t wanna see you throw away your marriage or miss seeing your girls grow up.”

I nodded, the heaviness in my chest lifting for the first time in years. “You’re right. It’s time to let go of Grey and just be Jamie again.”

He offered me the second beer. “Drink up. You’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

I took it with a frown. “Busy day? You know something I don’t?”

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