Page 63 of Through The Woods

Chapter Eighteen

I had a dream last night that she was gone. I shrugged it off as a nightmare, but I think it was a premonition. Vic and I have tried everything to keep her well, but nothing seems to last. She’s lost even more weight and sleeps all the time.

I wanted to ask her about the baby, but the words refused to come out. Maybe, on another level, I don’t want the truth. It would only make a terrible situation worse.

Bobby has fallen into some bad shit.

It’s like he wants to go down with her…

Charm was right—things did look different that next morning. For starters, he was gone…again. The days turned into weeks, but my escape plan was still nothing more than a wistful idea.

I simply wasn’t sure how to put it in motion and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. These men were no longer my begrudging rescuers, but brothers. I didn’t know when the shift happened, but I was dreading the day that I’d leave Kasselhessen—and them—for good.

Guardrail was slowly starting to get up and moving again. After Doc confirmed my diagnosis of a sprain, we’d taken turns helping out with his care. I’d braced myself for the drinking—had even written several statistic-laden speeches in my head, but I couldn’t bring myself to lecture him for his coping mechanisms. After that night, it was obvious that I could barely manage myself.

It was inevitable; he was going to go right back to it as if nothing happened, and I was going to bite my tongue in keeping my opinion to myself, knowing he might not be so lucky the next time.

I’d mentally prepared myself as best I could, so when I saw the note in his familiar chicken scratch, I damn near fell over in shock.

Hey Doll, can you pick up some O’Doul’s at the store?

I’d considered swapping out his beer with the non-alcoholic stuff, but the desire to remain alive had me rethinking the entire idea. Maybe he’d actually taken some of my ideas to heart. There was no doubt in my mind that he was still getting the real stuff, but it meant a lot to me that he’d at least try.

Charm eventually deemed it safe to come back to the clubhouse, but managed to remain elusive. Gunner acted as his personal bodyguard, ensuring that I never got within ten feet of him. I searched fruitlessly for the rare moments when he wasn’t on the phone barking orders or out on some mysterious club business, but it never happened.

Never a moment to talk about what had happened between us when we went cliff jumping or even the aftermath on the porch.

Charm had gone back to regarding me with something akin to indifference, yet still found the time to thank me for cooking and cleaning when he came in at night. He hadn’t been upset to find me asleep on the couch either when he got in early this morning; he’d just quietly woken me up on the way to his study.

It was what I’d wanted from the beginning…friendship. Now, I found myself suffering from Liberosis—which technically wasn’t even a real thing, but I had this desire to care less. To revert back to how I was when I arrived.

I needed a how-to manual for managing my emotions while sober.

PD rode along with me one more time, but after that, I was on my own for shopping trips. “I’m not getting dragged into another one of yours and Amber’s yoga classes,” had been his exact words. It was refreshing to see that not everyone took my advice as gospel—god forbid, I suddenly get cocky.I was always able to count on PD and Gunner to do the opposite of what I suggested.

Despite my desire to see PD reconnect with Ali, I relished the freedom to do what I wanted; even if it was only for an hour or two a week.

Amber was always willing to drop whatever she had going on to sip a five-dollar cup of coffee while trailing after me down every aisle in the store. Sometimes, we went to yoga. Other times we went and tried on clothes. To an outsider, our activities were nothing out of the ordinary; but to an addict like me, it was a normalcy I hadn’t known since high school.

I’d really taken to exploring Kasselhessen; I’d pack the groceries down in an ice chest in the back of the truck and then drive around until something caught my eye.

Yesterday, I’d passed a historical sign and learned that the town had been founded by German immigrants during the Pike’s Peak Gold Rush of 1859. The small mountain community had been at the center of the region’s mining district before losing half of its populace to the Civil War. Kasselhessen was an oddity though—they hadn’t disappeared when gravel mining dried up and their population was low—no, the town had just turned to hard rock mining and kept the town running.

Now, it had a biker gang.

I found a small, family-run thrift store not long after and it had proven to be my favorite stop so far. I’d been sifting aimlessly through a bin while an older couple nearby bickered over a ceramic reindeer figurine when I found the coin. The year was wrong, but the message was the same regardless. I purchased it for a quarter and tucked it into the pocket of my jeans.

This morning, Twitch joined me on the ledge to watch the sunrise. I’d been coming out here ever since the night of Guardrail’s accident; needing to atone for the cravings I’d experienced. They just kept popping up at the most inopportune times—leaving me feeling weak and ashamed.

I was usually alone, but found that it hadn’t bothered me. It gave me a chance to work through the storm of thoughts and memories in my head. I’d carried the guilt of my parent’s deaths for over a year and, no matter how much I tried to combat it, coke would always be my first choice for coping.

Twitch sat silently beside me—we hadn’t encountered each other much since the night he confused me for Rae. I knew that I wasn’t going to get another opportunity, so I kept the coin hidden in my hand until the sun lit up the sky and then gently placed it in his. He turned it over in the morning light, studying the words written on it.

The medallion was white with gold trim, nothing fancy. It had a small hole near the top so it could be worn on a chain. ‘Out of the Ashes of Addiction Comes Recovery and Growth,’ ‘Just for Today,’ and the words ‘Serenity’ and ‘Peace’ were written on one side. The other side featured the Serenity Prayer with the words, ‘God, Gratitude, Hope and Healing.’ In the center, it said ‘Miracles Happen.’

“I wanted to get you something for helping me a few weeks ago. It’s not much, but I thought you could carry it with you as a reminder. You know, on days when you can’t see the sunrise.”

Twitch’s jaw clenched as he stared ahead, lips mashed together. He nodded and managed to get out a rough, “Thanks,” before he jumped up and took off, leaving me alone again.

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