Page 42 of Traitor

I was not sinking to Comedian’s level. I refused to push Katya into sex just because I needed to get off. She’d end up in a psych ward.

She sauntered over to me, giving me her best ‘come fuck me’ stare. “I don’t expect you to stick around. Hell, you can leave right after we’re done.”

I wasn’t biting and led her back over to the bed. “I can’t. Katya, I saw you that night. I saw what he did to you—I’ve read the medical report a thousand times, for Christ’s sake. I look at you and I see the photos that were taken in the hospital. Every cut, every bruise, every abrasion documented in writing and full color photos. I know he raped you, but I can’t put you back together. I can’t have a one night stand with you—not with knowing all that I do.”

Realization hit me like a slap in the face. I was worse than a monster. I’d turned into my father. Years spent fighting it…for nothing. I ran the back of my hand angrily across my eyes as tears began to fall. I thought I’d wanted to hurt Katya, but really, I wanted to hurt myself.

I’d wasted all these years trying to be better—to be someone I could tolerate seeing in the mirror every morning. The apple hadn’t fallen far from the tree though. I’d been so hellbent on getting Lauren back that I never once considered if I even deserved her.

And I knew, deep down, that I didn’t.

She needed a warrior and I was nothing more than a depraved man-child. Like a child, I hadn’t questioned the text on Monica. I’d followed orders, while convincing myself that I was still in charge. I was nothing more than a fucking puppet on a string though.

Katya bitterly replied, “I don’t need your pity, Detective.”

I looked up at her in surprise. “You think I pity you? No, I honestly can’t even begin to fathom how you survived four months with him. I get it— you drink until you don’t see his face when you close your eyes. I drink because every time I close my eyes, I see this image of you from that night.” I pinched the bridge of my nose in an attempt to stop the flow of tears. It wasn’t even close to the truth, but there was no way that I was throwing my burdens onto her shoulders. She’d carried enough.

See, Mike. That’s good. You’re not Michael Sullivan, Sr. He would’ve taken what he wanted, regardless. You’re better.

The thought didn’t leave me feeling any better about myself though.

Katya wrapped herself around me and I pulled her into a side hug. She whispered, “I’m sorry, Mike. I’m so sorry. It’s like I’m just beyond saving, irreparably damaged.”

Here we were, two lost souls just waiting in Purgatory. It was like a fucked up version of a Pink Floyd song.

I reassured her. “You’re not. You’ve been to Hell, but I truly believe that you can find your way back. You might have to fight to get there, but I think that if anyone can do it, it’s you. Come here.” I shifted around until her head was resting on a pillow before grabbing the extra one and moving to the floor.

Her body would go still for a few seconds and then she would jerk, waking herself up again.

I whispered up at her. “Sleep, Katya. I’m here. I’ll wake you up if it gets bad.”

“Would you have killed him without the money?” She asked quietly.

It was a question I’d asked myself a lot over the past few months. I made a promise to David and, after the shit I put him through with Patrick, I owed it to him to follow through. Fulfilling that promise had also set off a chain of events that led to me losing Lauren.

I finally answered. “I didn’t think the baby—Kaden, was going to make it. Hell, if I’m being honest, I didn’t think any of you were going to make it. David is my best friend, and I thought that if he was going to lose everything, he had a right to look his family’s killer in the eye and do whatever he wanted to him. Your father offered me money, a lot of it, and I didn’t hesitate to take it.

“Forty grand is a lot of money. I thought I could set it aside—buy Lauren a ring. You know, happily ever after shit. I didn’t ever consider that my actions with Landon would ensure that I wouldn’t have a future with her. So, to answer your question, I would’ve done it without the money—even knowing what it would cost me.”

She grew quiet again and I thought that maybe she’d finally fallen asleep. Her soft voice startled me. “I wouldn’t have let you. I would’ve let him kill me first.”

Her breathing evened out not long after, but I knew she wasn’t sleeping peacefully. People like us never got peace. Even in the quiet moments.

Her words resonated. She would’ve let Landon kill her and there were days that I wished I would’ve let Grey kill me. It would’ve been an honorable death.

The only honorable thing I’d ever done.

Lauren

June 2015

Okay. Operation Sleep with Jimmy was a go.

The slow tempo pop song blasting in my headphones had me fighting the urge to drop it like it was hot by the free weights.

Jimmy finished his last set of pulldowns and gestured for me to go. I raised my arms seductively over my head and brought the bar down in time with the music.

I just needed to free my mind of all the doubt and not be a stranger anymore. He and I were going to be very well-acquainted in a few short hours.

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