Page 84 of Safe and Sound

The women I could call would be interested in me for only superficial reasons. My money. My looks. My power.

Ava was different from all the others. She was special. From now on out, I would always compare the next woman to her.

My despair ran deeper because of its cause. I’d lost two women I loved to the clan life. One had been physically murdered while the other had been symbolically killed.

Or was itmysymbolic death?

Over all the years of business dealings, I’d never really regretted my way of life. One could argue that it was because I’d been brought up in the mafia world. It was all I’d ever known, so of course, I willingly took part of it.

Despite all the loathing I had for my father, I never questioned him about my role in the clan. I reveled in the power and respect our family had. I enjoyed the perks of being Hugh Kavanaugh’s son–one of the Kavanaugh boys from Belfast.

When Callum decided to kidnap Caterina from a convent, I didn’t bat an eye. I willingly helped him snatch her in the dead of night. I’d never stopped to even feel guilty for my role in that.

I’d used countless women for my own desires. While they’d willingly given themselves to me, they were just a means to an end. Most knew that, but there had been a few that I either accidentally or purposefully led on. They’d come to me depressed and demeaned, but I’d never felt guilty.

As a believer, I knew I would pay for my sins. God knows I had more than my fair share on my record. It wasn’t just the clan life of torture and killing. It was running businesses that made their money from desire and addiction. Throw in all the womenI’d fornicated with, and it’s a wonder my finger didn’t burn when I dipped it in the fount of holy water at church.

Regardless of how I’d foreseen my penance, nothing could've hit me harder than seeing the absolute revulsion Ava had for me. How one brief moment had shredded the fragile strings of our budding relationship.

“Fuck,” I murmured.

“Aye. That’s what women will do to you.”

Although I wanted to go on ignoring him, my curiosity got the better of me. Glancing over my shoulder, I asked, “Some lady shredded your heart too, mate?”

To my surprise, the ever private Niall nodded his head. “Only woman I ever loved just left me.”

With a mirthless laugh, I said, “Don’t tell me she found out you worked for the Irish mafia and was utterly and completely disgusted by you.”

“While it was the clan, it wasn’t because of what I do.”

“What do you mean?”

“She said I’ll never get serious about her because I’m married to the fucking Kavanaughs.” He threw me an apologetic look. “Sorry, boss. Those were her words not mine.”

“It’s all good.” After lumbering over to him in my inebriated state, I plopped down on the couch beside him. “She left you because of your job?”

“Yeah. We’d been going together for four years.”

My brows popped wide. “Four years and you hadn’t popped the question?”

“I kept thinking things would calm down with the job. But then we lost Nolan and it’s been the Italians and the Bratva.” He shrugged.

“I’ sorry, mate. If I had known–”

Niall shook his head. “It’s no one’s fault but my own. I didn’t put her first.”

“Can you try to get her back?”

“Like your lass, she made it pretty clear she never wanted to see me again.”

“Fuck.”

“Exactly.”

“Why don’t you get us another bottle of whiskey?” I suggested.

“My pleasure.”

---