Page 23 of Master Vidar & Vali

“You matter, Zara. Never doubt that.”

“Then why did you leave?”

I was willing to share more with her than I’d ever done with another woman, but would it be enough? “What did Lincoln tell you?”

“That you don’t sleep with women because you have issues.”

No wonder she’d been pissed. “Sometimes I have nightmares. It’s not safe for anyone to be in bed with me when I’m sleeping.”

Sometimes might be an understatement but that wasn’t what was important. I was glad when she took a moment before speaking. It meant she was thinking rather than reacting.

“Something from your past?”

“Yes. From my time in the military. It’s not a pretty story.”

“Can you tell me about it?” The yearning in her voice made my chest tight.

Could I tell her about it? For so many years I’d avoided even thinking about it. Even with Lincoln, who’d been there, we justbarely referenced it when we brought it up. There was nothing talking about the past that could do anything to change what had happened, so why poke at it? My brother had tried to force me to speak to him so many times it had almost destroyed our relationship.

When people asked, it felt like it would be cruel to share the pain. It was as if they were looking for some sort of vicarious thrill or had a ghoulish type of curiosity. Neither motivation stirred within me any sort of desire to open the wound that still bled in my dreams. Zara made me feel like she wanted to hear the story because she wanted to know about me more than about what happened. Was it my imagination or did she really care?

“Never mind, I’ll go.” Zara moved as if she was going to leave, and I knew if I didn’t stop her, it would break something between us that might never be fixed.

“Linc and I were members of a special reconnaissance unit in Iraq.” The words slipped out of me without a thought. I couldn’t believe I was going to talk about this, but as she settled in and snuggled against me with her head on my chest, I knew I would do anything to make her understand.

I cleared my throat and continued, “It was our job to remain unseen and relay information back to Command about situations and high-value targets. Iraq was a beautiful country with good people even if their culture was different from what we were used to. But we weren’t sent to observe the good people. Watching the casual abuse of women and children, even from a distance, without doing something was hard, but I’d come to peace with it under the bullshit excuse of the greater good.”

“It was your job.” Her gentle words held an understanding I didn’t deserve.

“Maybe, but it wasn’t right. Our last mission was to send back information on a particularly bad rebel group. They were extreme separatists that the U.S. suspected of planning terroristacts. Their leader was supposed to be meeting with someone the higher-ups badly wanted to catch in a week, so we were supposed to observe from a distance and feed intelligence back to Command so they could swoop in and take them all out at the same time.

“As the days went on, it was obvious that something was up. He was becoming mentally unstable, accusing the women and children of being spies for the West. The beatings became brutal, and it was only a matter of time before he killed someone. Lincoln wanted to take the asshole out even if it meant missing the other guy. Unfortunately, Command disagreed.”

“What did you do?”

“Lincoln wanted to go against orders, but it was my decision and I was a good soldier. We argued, but eventually he backed off. Thing was, my gut was telling me Lincoln was right, but I was so determined to follow the rules that I ignored my instincts. Two days later, the asshole snapped and gathered up all the women and children into the center of the camp.

“We were watching the live video through cameras we’d planted around the perimeter. I didn’t expect him to kill them all, but that is what he did. In a spray of gunfire that took less than a minute, eight women and fifteen children were gone before I could even think to act.”

Zara’s nails dug into my chest as I told her of my shame. I didn’t share how the screams carried across the distance or the way the sight of fear and pain in the children’s faces was still burned into my memories.

“His men apparently didn’t expect it either, and they turned on him, but it was too late. They fled afterward, leaving all the dead where they lay.”

“That’s awful. No wonder you have nightmares.”

“Thing is, the weapon he used to kill. We sold it to him.” My throat tightened as I admitted my biggest shame.

“What?”

“It was a scheme someone came up with. We sold weapons to the little fish to draw in the bigger fish. We were supposed to get a shot at one of Iraq’s most wanted because he was going to come in to buy weapons. Instead, twenty-three innocents died and we got nothing. They died because I hesitated and followed orders.”

“No. They died because of some paranoid asshole.”

I gave Zara a gentle squeeze, knowing that, in part, her words were true, but knowing that it was an excuse I couldn’t accept. We’d gone in after we thought everyone was gone and wasn’t coming back and tried to bury them.

“When we attempted to bury them, we were attacked. We managed to escape but not without taking casualties. After that, I knew I would never follow an order I didn’t agree with, and both Lincoln and I were honorably discharged in exchange for our silence. I could get in trouble for telling you even this much.”

“I would never tell anyone. Colin, that is a horrible thing to live with, but it was not your fault.”

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