Page 29 of All I Want For Christmas

He paused, then chuckled when she said nothing more. “Do you want me to retire?” He wanted her to say no. He realized that in a flash. He wasn’t ready to leave the Army yet. He wasn’t even ready for a desk job in the States yet. But he had to knowthat Lindsey was okay with that. He needed to know that they were still on the same page about what he did. And why he did it.

“Well, why would you be retiring? Are you tired of being away?” she asked.

“Sometimes,” he said honestly. “Of course.”

“When you’re there, when you’re working, do you feel good about it? Do you feel like you’re doing something good? Are you still there for all the reasons you first joined up?”

He took a breath. Then nodded. “Yeah. I still think what we do matters.”

She nodded. “Do you feel like the boys are not getting something that they need, that you could give them if you were here?”

That was tougher. He talked to the boys regularly. Lindsey gave him time with them each, one-on-one, alone in the bedroom so they could ask him about anything or tell him whatever was on their minds. They told him about school and friends and their sports and other extracurricular activities. They’d asked him about ideas for things they could give Lindsey for her birthday. Liam had told him about a friend that was moving away. Aidan had asked him about if soldiers sometimes killed people. He had honest, open conversations with his boys. Lindsey recorded their programs and sporting events and he always gave them input and praise afterward. He wasn’t there to do it all in person or even as things were actually happening, but he was involved. He was giving his boys advice and help. They understood his job and were proud of him. And Lindsey was here. The boys had all the love, hugs, in-the-moment praise and comfort they could need from her. Plus their grandparents and their group of family friends.

“I feel like we are raising two amazing boys together,” he finally answered.

She nodded with a smile. “I agree.”

“You do? You feel like I’m doing enough?”

“Matt, you’re doing more than enough. You are there for us. Period. If we need to talk to you about something, you’re there for us. You help me make decisions. The boys and I know you love us. You are also doing a job that needs to be done and that you’re awesome at. That just so happens to be on another continent.”

He took a deep breath and hugged her tighter.

“So what’s all this about retiring?” she asked after a moment.

“I just…” He blew out a breath. “I feel like I have to offer that to you. You’re here doing it all on your own, and rocking it.”

She laughed softly. “I am rocking it. I don’t need you here.”

He laughed too. “Should I be offended?” But he wasn’t. He knew there was no reason to be.

She grinned. “If I thought you’d be offended, I wouldn’t have said it.” She shifted slightly to rest her chin on the back of her hand. “I don’t want you to retire. Not because I don’t want you here, but because I love you. I believe in you. I want you to be happy.”

“I’m happy here.” He squeezed her butt and took a deep breath. “I’m really fucking happy here.”

She nodded. “I know. Because you’re still a soldier right now. Andyouare rockingthat.”

He frowned. “Being here with you and the boys is what makes me most happy. I would never regret being here.”

Now she lifted a brow. “Matt, the minute you heard that some terrorist cell killed a bunch of innocent people or that some corrupt government took power and was starving it’s citizens or that someone was threatening the United States…us… you would regret being here. Someone has to keep all of that shit in line, and baby, that someone is you.”

He gave a soft chuckle. Her belief in him had always empowered him and humbled him at the same time. “Well, maybe notjustme.”

“But you want to be a part of it. Youneedto be a part of it.” She pushed herself up, looking at him with seriousness. And love. “Matt, all of this…our family, our friends, my teaching, our boys growing up learning things about Christmas traditions and playing ball and hanging out in the park…all of this that you miss when you’re gone and want to be a part of? That’s what you’re fighting for. You’re protecting this. You’re making it, at least some of it—family dinners, and kids playing outside, and grandparents handing down traditions—possible for people in other places too.” She took a deep breath. “I wish you were here so often. Yes, things happen that you miss. Yes, I would love to fall asleep after making love to you every night.” She reached out a hand and rubbed his jaw. “But right now, what I need most from you, is your support and your love and your happiness. You can give me your support and love even when you’re not here physically. And your happiness is, in part, because of that uniform. Those people over there? The ones that have the threat of bombs as part of their everyday reality? They’re the ones that need you there physically.” She smiled. “And hey, eventually you’ll get too old to run around playing with guns and bombs with your friends, and I’ll be right here. You can come home to stay then, okay?”

Matt could barely breathe by the time she was done. He’d seen a lot of crap. Hell on earth at times. People doing unspeakable things to other people. But nothing made his heart ache and his eyes sting like this woman and her love and passion.

Unable to actually come up with words, he simply reached out and rolled her underneath him. He kissed her deeply, running his hands over her sticky body. Finally he pulled back tolook into her eyes. “Okay,” he finally said. “But you better not get too old to do some of the stuff I’m gonna need you to do every night once I do retire.”

She ran her hands through his hair, smiling up at him. “I promise to keep up with the yoga and treadmill.”

“Yeah. I definitely don’t want you to strain anything.” He rolled her to her stomach and settled his newly invigorated erection against her ass. “And I don’t want you to not be able to kneel…or go on all fours.”

Then he spent the next hour showing her one ofhisfavorite yoga poses and just how much fun couples yoga could be.

The next day, they slept late, made love before the boys woke up, made waffles again and had a nice, quiet morning together.

The afternoon was a different story.

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