Page 18 of How to Win the Girl

“Dude, you literally came home the other day and said some girl was pissed that you were flopping your pencil around. Was it the same person?”

“No.”

“Then who is the common denominator here?”

“Me?”

“Bingo.” He snaps his fingers. “Maybe you’re the one actin’ like the little bee-yotch.”

I’m affronted. Honestly insulted.

My only brother.

Okay fine, not my only brother—there are four of us—but the only one who shares my birthday, face, hair, voice. You would think that automatically means he has to take my side, but no. The giant jackass continues to suggest I’m difficult.

“What are you tryin’ to say?”

“I’m not trying to say anything. I’m telling you, maybe you act like a jackass in class, and it’s not the girls. It’s you.”

I suck in a breath. “Can we change the subject?”

Drew rolls his eyes, forking chicken off his plate and stuffing it in his mouth. “By all means.”

“I decided to create a datin’ profile for you.”

He chokes, the chunk a blob of half-chewed mush plopping down onto his plate in an inelegant fashion. His arm waves around his face theatrically as he launches himself into a coughing fit.

“Gross, dude.” My face twists in disgust. “Stop bein’ dramatic.”

“You.”Cough. “Should.”Cough. “Be.”Cough. “The one.”Coughcough. “To talk.”

I’m not impressed. “Are you done?”

He nods.

“And don’t youdareput that chunk back in your mouth.”

My twin purses his lips. “I wasn’t going to.”

I’m not sure if I believe him. “So as I was saying before you started hackin’ up your lung, I’m downloadin’ a dating app for you, and I’m gonna manage it.”

He coughs again, face still red from his last bout.

“Dude. Chill.”

“Why? Why would you do this to me?”

Isn’t it obvious? “Because I see how determined you are to find a girlfriend, but you’re so terrible at closin’ the deal. If I’m being real honest, you’re not great at pickin’ babes, either.”

“I’m not determined to find a girlfriend. Stop makin’ me sound desperate.”

“No one is implying that you’re desperate.” I stuff noodles into my mouth. “All I’m sayin’ is I see you trying really hard, and for whatever reason, you’re not, you know, having any success.”

“It’s a numbers game.”

Eh. “Or. You’re just asking out the wrong girls before knowin’ any actual information.” Hasn’t he ever heard of vetting a candidate first before climbing into bed with them? Or taking them out for dinner?

I might not be in a committed relationship, but I know a thing or two about the chicks I bang on the weekends. Their major, if they’re interested in a long-term relationship (hopefully not), if they’re over the age of eighteen, and whether or not they intend to stay for breakfast.

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