Page 57 of Wild Card

“How is this?” I ask, tapping her shin. “It was bad the other day.”

“It’s healing,” she says. “Doesn’t look infected anymore.”

I take in the lattice of bruises on her torso.

Jesus Christ what’s wrong with me?

I let this happen to her, and then I think I have any right to touch her? To have her in such an intimate way? It feels like taking advantage, and I’m disgusted by my poor judgment once again. I need to treat this like a job. Like I’m just her bodyguard.

I owe her that much.

I also owe her an apology for not using a condom.

“I’m sorry I didn’t think of protection,” I say. “But I’m disease free.” I swallow my pride to say the next part. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a woman.” Should I offer to get her emergency contraception? Would that insult her?

She tucks her knees under her chin.

“That was my fault. I got carried away. Again. But I’m on birth control and disease free too.”

“We both got carried away. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I wanted this. Wanted you so fucking much that I lost my head.”

I can see her struggling, hearing her father’s criticisms. I climb over her and kiss her again.

“Hey.” I tip her chin up. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who made the mistakes, Catriona, not you, and I’m going to do everything I can to fix them.”

She slips her arms around me and I hold her close.

“If anything happens to me, you’ll make sure Birdie’s okay?”

It’s like a punch to the gut.

Something she’d experienced just yesterday, I remind myself.

“It’s you we need to take care of.” I wrap one of her curls around my finger and then let it go, watching as it bounces back into shape.

She looks unsure, and who can blame her for that?

“But I’ll make sure your sister is looked out for.”

I’d die for Catriona. I’d die protecting her sister, too, but even that would be for Catriona.

I love her.

I know this with an easy surety, and it centers me, giving me a feeling of calm I haven’t experienced since my parents died. I can’t tell Catriona, though. I don’t want her to have to carry my complicated feelings. I don’t want her to worry about me, and I know she would even though I deserve nothing but her contempt and anger.

I hold her for as long as I’m able, but I have to find my uncle, and then deal with her father. I let her rest while I shower, and then after she gets cleaned up, I drop her back off with my grandmother, who will make sure she eats. Nonna grabs my face before I leave.

“Be careful. Please.”

“I will. I’ll be in touch. Keep the door locked.”

And with that I’m out the door, heading to my uncle’s favorite Keno spot.

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