Page 92 of XO

“I can’t go back and change history, Rosie.”

“No, but you can be fucking remorseful.”

“You don’t think I’ve cried over him? You don’t how I’ve grieved, and how I’ve dealt with the guilt. It hasn’t been easy on me either.”

“Well, excuse me for not believing you.” A few heartbeats pass with my mother remaining stoically silent. “I never had the chance to say goodbye. You had him whisked out of here before I made it home because you wanted to protect yourself. You stopped me… from saying goodbye.”

She scratches her temple, the weight of my words having somewhat of an affect. “Come with me.” I watch my mother leave the kitchen and take the stairs into my room. I look around at all the old stuff that made me a teenager—posters, artwork, pictures, toys—it hasn’t changed since the day I left. The only thing different is the missing painting which hung above my bed. The painting Dad bought me from Paris. I’d taken that with me the day I walked out and never looked back.

Stepping into my closet, she pulls a box from the top shelf and retrieves an envelope. “I found this under your pillow the morning we discovered him.” She hands it to me, and my eyes follow the letters of my name written by my father’s hand.

“You found this, and you never gave it to me? Why would you do that? Why would you keep something like this from me?”

“For the same reason I did everything else.”

Without another word, my lying mother leaves my bedroom. For a long while I simply stare at the envelope too frightened for what’s written inside. Trembling, I cave, sitting on the bed and pulling the letter free. It’s short, simple, and damn well devastating.

My darling Rosie, please forgive me.

I never wanted to be the boy to break your heart.

I sink to the floor, completely broken, clutching the letter to my chest while pained sobs wrack my body.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy.”

22

NOW

“I thought I’d find you here.” Jacob sits next to me, our thighs touching, legs hanging over the water tower’s edge.

“You drove all the way here?”

“By plane. I’ve heard the veggie burgers are really good this side of town.”

Despite the pain, I chuckle. “They’ll change your world.”

“I believe you.”

We sit in silence for a long while, me resting my head on his shoulder, him leaning his head on mine. Further in the distance, the town goes about its daily business

“You’re brave coming back here.”

“I can say the same for you,” I say, sensitive to the fact, coming back here for the first time in ten years, could be rather traumatic.

“Who would have thought our history would have been written the way it was?”

“I never saw it coming.”

“Can’t say I did, either.

“So, what now?”

“I can’t lose you again, Rosie. We were always meant to be together, and now we have a second chance, I’m not going to waste it.”

I sit up and face him. “How can we possibly be together, Jacob? How can we be together when every time you look at me, I’ll remind you of my father and how you cut him free from his noose. And how can I look at you without feeling a world of guilt knowing you’ve carried my family’s burden for all these years? It’s all too mammoth for us to comprehend. The lies between our families. The deceit. The betrayal. My father taking his own life.” I take a sharp inhale. “The heartache. There isn’t a bridge big enough to have all this wash under. So, tell me, how exactly are we meant to be together?”

“Easy,” he says simply, cupping my cheek. “I knew the day you stood in my bedroom, and I said I never wanted you in my life, that I wanted the complete opposite. The good thing about bridges, Rosie, is that we can build them to whatever size we need in order to wash the last ten years away. But know one thing... I can’t live another ten years without you.”

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