Page 90 of XO

But mysoul, my soul grieves for Jacob. A boy who, for over a decade, carries the memory of having to cut my father from his noose. Of feeling the guilt that his words drove another man to take his own life. Grieving for a boy who lost just as much a part of him as I did.

“I didn’t know what the fuck to do, Rosie. I was just a kid who caught our parents having an affair. Speaking with your father seemed the rational thing to do at the time. But I fucking wish I hadn’t, Rosie. I wish tofucking God, I’d just gone back up to the rooftop and never saw your father.”

Jacob takes a moment to gather his thoughts, quickly wiping the corner of his eye.

“There were so many warning signs, and I missed them. I left and didn’t look back. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me,” he says, tendering kissing my forehead.

I shake my head, feeling my heart bleed for him. “None of this is on you, Jacob. None.”

“Don’t you see, Rosie? If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened. It was a night of bad decisions. I should have confronted my father in the office, instead of running to yours. I should never have broken the news to him like that knowing the state he was in. I should never have left him. I shouldhaverealized something was wrong when he gave me the cash and said to get you out of town. But none of it fucking clicked. Not until the message. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, especially for not telling you the truth. When your mother said it was something that could ruin your life, I believed her. How can anyone come back from that? You loved your dad something fierce, Rosie, I couldn’t have you seeing him in a different light or allowing his choice to ruin your life. So, I didn’t say a word. But I hated myself for it. On top of the guilt I harbored for telling him in the first place, I then carried the weight of lies. So, I stayed away, mourning with you from afar even though you needed me so desperately.

“I’ve never hated myself so much than I did the day I saw you at the funeral. It was reality kicking me in the teeth, seeing my beautiful girl, the one I planned to live my life with, destroyed by something I did and something I continued to do. So, when my mother found out about the affair, she told me we were leaving town. I didn’t protest, but I didn’t want to go. But I knew, the further I was away from you, the better it was for everyone.”

I blink, releasing another heavy wave of tears. “That’s why you never returned any messages or phone calls?”

He kisses the top of my head. “I read every message and listened to every voicemail. But I couldn’t put my shame aside long enough to call you back. With every message you sent, I composed one back, only to delete it before sending.”

“I’m so sorry, Jacob,” I finally manage, my voice crumpled and wrecked. Wrapping my arms around him, it’s time I give the boy I used to know, a chance to grieve.

“You don’t ever need to apologize,” he says, disgusted by the idea.

“Yes, I do. You’ve carried this weight for so long when it isn’t your fault. It never was. Not even in the slightest. You did what you thought was right.”

“None of my decisions that night were right. He could still be alive right now otherwise.”

I sit up and cup his face. “No,” I sob, unable to stop the raw ache. “He wasn’t well. If he didn’t do it then, he would have some other time. That’s not your cross to bear. You were just a kid, Jacob. You were just a kid, who didn’t deserve any of it. You did it all just to protect me. I’m sorry that was put on you. It isn’t fair this has burdened you for so long. But… Jacob?”

“Yes?”

“Can we forgive each other?”

He leans forward and tenderly kisses me, tasting my salty tears.

“Every night I’ve asked just for that.”

~

“Rosie?” Vicki softly calls from the doorway, a knowing concern in her already glistening eyes.

Stuffing a few more pieces into my backpack, I glance up, biting my trembling bottom lip.

There’s a moment of silence between us as I struggle to form the words. “I’ll be back before the wedding, I promise.”

She nods, blinking hard as the tears falls. “I know. You go take care of it.”

“Thank you,” I burst, sobbing into her shoulder. We hold each other tight for a long moment as we cry together. When she pulls me away, she cups my cheeks. “Neither of you deserved any of this. But now’s the time to fix it.”

Kissing her cheek, I hook my bag over my shoulder and walk to the door, turning on the threshold. “Iwillbe back.”

“I know you will!”

21

NOW

The four-hour drive allows plenty of thinking time, a ridiculous amount of crying, privacy to scream my rage, and fleeting moments to find peace in Jacob’s confession. But as I pull to the curb outside the house I couldn’t wait to say goodbye to, all newly acquired peace, no matter how little, is replaced with anger. For a good ten minutes, I stare at the garage, now seeing it in a completely different light. I sob some more, my mind tormenting me with images of my father preparing his noose before putting it around his neck, and then finally, not wanting to take another breath, kicking out the chair from beneath him.

“Jesus!” I seethe, angrily, licking tears from my lips. “You didn’t have to do it. You just didn’t.”

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