Page 8 of Cruel Devotion

I cheered him on, so glad he was determined to work hard. Every time he seemed to improve with his speech issues, he looked so damn proud, and it made my heart full. It was a big part of my decision to not only become a teacher but also to stick with a goal to later go into graduate studies to specialize in speech therapy.

The three of us talked for a while. Nat wasn’t the kind of mom who let her child just be on screens all day, nor would she let Grayson answer any old call. With Grayson standing on a stool as he kind of chopped cucumbers with a kid-safe knife, and Nat mixing something in a bowl, I figured I’d caught them making a late dinner. Her phone seemed to be propped up against the backsplash of the counter, which was probably why she'd let him answer.

“Want to go finish watching Miss Rachel?” she asked him.

He said goodbye to me and left the screen. Nat smiled at me, moving the phone to the table where she sat with a glass of wine.

“Long day?” I asked. She seldom drank.

“Yeah.” She sighed and gave me a patient look. “But it looks like it’s been a long one for you, too. What’s up?”

Sometimes, it was unnerving how good she was at reading me. I shrugged. “Just the usual.”

“Bullies?”

I nodded.

“Eli?” She sipped her wine. “Or Preston?”

“Both.”

She shook her head. “Hang in there, Sis. You’re almost done with Marsten.”

“I know. It just…”

“Sucks,” she summed up bluntly. She’d know it, too. When she got pregnant at sixteen, she was severely judged. “But I’ve been asking around for places you could stay.” She smiled a little, perking up about the preliminary apartment hunting she was doing on my behalf. Her home with Grayson was a studio unit, all she could afford at the time. While it was spacious for the two of them, there wasn’t any easy way to fit me in there.

Hearing her talk about my eventual move lifted my spirits, but only a bit. Hearing and seeing Grayson had made me happy too.

Yet, as we stayed on the line, I couldn’t help but feel so rooted in this loneliness.

Because come the next day of classes, I’d have to squeeze myself back into the shell I hid in. I’d have to face Preston. Eli. All the snarky snobs who looked down on me.

It was exhausting, putting up with the judgment and rude treatment. Even though I knew there was an end in sight, even though I could count on getting out of here and having something different to look forward to after graduation, it dragged me down to bolster up the courage to make it through this hell one day at a time.

I didn’t deserve this burden of trying to make myself small and unnoticeable to avoid others’ cruelty. I wanted to convince myself that I deserved something good now.

The advice to focus on the present, to be full in the moment, fell flat. I didn’t waste my time dwelling on the past and being angry about why I had to be judged because of what my family did. I didn’t want to get my hopes too high that the future would fall into place as I wanted it to, either.

But telling myself to make the most of every minute as it came?

I wished I could.

Shaking my head and determined not to wallow all night in my loneliness in my room, I headed downstairs to watch TV with my aunt. Even if nothing good was on, it’d be a distraction.

This is the last semester.

Just tough it out and graduate.

Then hopefully, a new start on my life would be something good and fulfilling without any of this despairing loneliness.

4

ELI

Finn didn’t need my help with Britney. He didn’t even want me there as backup. His nervousness faded, and I bet he didn’t even realize that I’d left him alone with the chick he wanted to impress.

He didn’t tell me to get lost or ask me to go away. I just had common sense like that. I could read a room, and I could tell that I would be an unwanted third wheel if I stuck with him at this party.

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