Page 72 of Cruel Devotion

“I think taking it easy would be best.” That admission was an understatement. I couldn’t see myself getting out of bed at all. I had no energy. It was all taken up by this stomach bug.

“It’s not like missing a couple of classes will hurt your grade.” She smiled gently with that praise.

“I know.” It was so close to the end of the semester that it was smooth sailing until the end for me. I hated that it wasn’t the same for Eli. He was still trying to prepare for the end of the semester and make sure his grades stayed up.

“A day in bed is what you need, so I guess I’m going to head to work. Let me know if you need anything, okay?” She watched me from the door and seemed uneasy about leaving me.

“Thanks, Aunt Cindy. I will.”

Still, she hesitated. “We’ve got soup to warm up. Crackers. Some popsicles too.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” The idea of eating turned me off completely. My appetite was just not there. In fact, the thought of putting anything in my mouth almost made me want to gag.

After she left, I couldn’t escape the possibility that chicken noodle soup wouldn’t help this time.

As I lay there, willing my stomach to settle, I took stock of what else was wrong with my body. I didn’t feel feverish. I wasn’t congested. Just bone-tired and nauseous.

What if this isn’t some stomach bug going around?

While the question was one that could induce panic, I wasn’t freaking out at the idea that I felt like this because I was…

Pregnant?

I rolled closer to the edge of the bed, squeezing my eyes shut as another wave of nausea swept through me.

“I can’t be,” I whispered to myself, as if saying it out loud would change it.

I took the pill. I’d started taking the pill since I was sixteen, when I saw how much Natasha’s life had been changed when she learned she was expecting a baby. In order to avoid having a baby too soon—because I did want a family—I was religious about taking my birth control on time. Every day. At the same hour. No excuses.

It didn’t make sense that I could be pregnant when I took precautions that seldom failed. Yes, theycouldfail, but that was something out of my control. I did what I could to make sure I could break history with the women in my family.

I didn’t sleep around like my mother had. I’d only lost my virginity to Eli weeks ago.

I didn’t get drugged and taken advantage of like my sister had. I was “fortunate” enough that when someone planned to rape me, I was conscious and able to physically fight back and escape.

“No. I can’t be,” I muttered to myself as I tried to steady my breaths.

It didn’t work. Almost as if my body wanted to mock me, the urge to puke was too strong to overcome. I ran to the bathroom and emptied my stomach, and then some, feeling weak and more wrung-out than before.

I lost track of time as I sat on the bathroom floor, nearly hugging the toilet. Once I felt strong enough to move, I crawled into the shower stall and steamed myself until I could feel slightly human again.

And yet, nothing else bothered me. I’d been sick before. Last year, I had a horrible flu-like virus, and there was a whole list of symptoms. This was too different for me to trust it.

After I got out of the shower, I plugged in my dead phone and got dressed to walk into town. It wouldn’t be a brisk walk, but the second I stepped outside and the cool spring air touched my face, I felt marginally better. The chill of the air soothed me, and going at the best pace I could, I headed into town to get a pregnancy test.

I had to know.

Dancing around what-ifs never helped anyone. I didn’t want to debate what was improbable versus impossible. It would be better to just know.

Once I got into the pharmacy, I bought the first test I could find. Then, because I really didn’t want to wait for the whole walk home, I took the test in the restroom and carefully wrapped it up to keep in my pocket for the walk back to the house.

It was like carrying a ticking bomb with me. The agony of worrying and wondering gnawed at me until halfway there, I had to know. I had to look.

“Here goes,” I whispered.

I tugged the slim stick out of my pocket and looked.

Then my heart both dropped and kickstarted again in my chest.

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