Page 169 of A Love Like Venom

I start to wrap his hand but he stops me. Interlocking his fingers with mine he brings my hand up to his lips and kisses the back of my hand. My heart flutters.

His eyes are sad as he responds, "Maybe after what I tell you tonight you won't."

"And maybe you will be wrong. You can't assume my feelings for you will suddenly change. Only I can decide that. So tell me. Tell me everything and when you are done I want you to ask me if I still love you."

He swallows and lets go of my hand. "What if you tell me you don't?"

Crouching down I become eye level with him. "You will never know unless you tell me."

I'm back where I started, waiting.

Waiting ever so patiently for him to tell me what has him convinced that my love for him will vanish.

As I begin to wrap his right hand he finally begins.

"The man I turned into after Hollows Point you wouldn't have been proud of. I wasn't proud of myself. I wore a mask to hide what I was battling on the inside. I was fighting with myself everyday but I never let it show. You wear a mask of a charmingaloof guy who spends his time drinking beer, cracking jokes and sleeping around no man will question you. The deception is easy enough. Except whenever I caught a glimpse in the mirror I could see the cracks. Oak was the only one who knew right from the start. It takes a man who wears a mask himself to see it on someone else." I listen carefully as I gently wrap his hand. The first thought that comes to mind is that must be a terrible way to live. And to know that Oak is doing the same has my heart aching for him. The mask he wears is not for me to question but I can imagine it must have something to do with his time in the Marines.

People are fighting everyday. Every person you meet is fighting a battle that you will never see.

It's why I will never understand why people can be unnecessarily rude to one another.

Why make someone suffer when they are already suffering?

"There was a woman. A biker bunny. She was nothing special. I had no feelings for her and wanted nothing other than to fuck her." After he says this he casts his eyes downwards with shame. "That's what I did. I fucked women. One night and that was it. I told them not to expect anything more than that. There was no future with any of them. No repeat performance. I always made that perfectly clear."

"That sounds . . ." I try to find the right word. The man he is describing is nothing like the man who was in Hollows Point. I would have never imagined that kind of life for him.

He finishes for me, "Awful, I know."

And it does sound awful. I can't disagree with him on that. The man he turned into, the man with the mask wasn't the one I fell in love with. Sleeping with countless of women to keep up the charade. No, that's not the man I fell in love with at all. All these games just to keep people at arms length.

"It also seems very lonely." No matter how many women he fucked he never allowed himself to get close to any of them. There was no connection. No emotions at play. There was only a physical transaction. And I don't care what anyone says but that seems lonely. To be with others yet still be alone.

Raising his head he looks me in the eyes. "The only time I wasn't lonely was when I was with you."

"I wasn't lonely with you either."

He smiles half heartedly but I can see the pain still in his eyes. "Like I said, I wasn't proud of myself but it was the only way I knew how to cope. Terrible fucking way but it worked. It kept everyone off my back. No one questioned me. No one was worried about me. They never knew too much about me. Couldn't know my weaknesses. Never saw my vulnerability. At the time that's what I wanted and I was doing an excellent job of wearing the mask I created."

"The very same mask you were wearing when you saw me again for the first time in five years."

"No, that wasn't a mask, Alice. That was me being a fucking asshole because I was furious at you for the wrong reasons. I hated you when you were innocent all along. And I will always be sorry for how I treated you."

"You've already been forgiven for that."

"I know but I want you to know I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you," he promises me. "Even if you decide after tonight that you don't want to be a part of mine anymore." I am about to interject when he shakes his head at me. Then he continues, "One night I was drunk, too drunk to know who exactly I was taking to bed but aware enough to take her anyways. I fucked her thinking she was just like every other biker bunny but she wasn't. When I woke up the next morning sober I realized who I had fucked and it was Jessica Finley."

Hearing the woman's name causes a spike in my blood. Suddenly part of me wants to know everything about her. What does she look like? How old is she? Where does she live? How often does she come around here?

Then there's the other part of me that doesn't want to know one piece of information about her at all. She's been with the man who is my life. She knows him intimately. She's seen his face when he comes. He's been inside of her.

God, I want to tear her apart.

But I have to put this maddening jealousy aside. For Reed to continue I need to be clear sighted with an open mind.

My teeth can't help but clench as I question through them, "Jessica Finley? What was so different about her?"

When he takes my hand in his it lies stiff. The tension in the air is palpable.

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