Page 63 of Unlovable Player

She blows on her hands and I wonder if I’m supposed to take my jacket off or something. I remember how I used to grab her hands in mine and blow on them to keep them warm. But that was when she was my girlfriend. And that’s in the past.

That look on her face, it’s like I’m rejecting her and I can’t stand it.

“Can we sit in your car for a minute? I need to tell you something.”

She frowns, like she’s going to make me explain myself first. But then she takes her keys out and lets us into a little blue Fiat and puts the heating on.

“There’s something I should have told you when we were together, but, I didn’t have the balls.”

“What is it?”

“I’m bi.”

Silence.

“Bisexual?” She asks eventually.

“Yeah.”

My face is flushing, but I’ve done it now. It’s out there.

“Does Lisa know?”

I shake my head. “Not yet.”

“Are you and that guy-”

“Seb? Yeah.”

“Oh.”

I don’t know what else to say. My leg is bouncing like crazy.

“Did you… I mean, were we-”

“I loved you,” I say quickly, forcing myself to look at her. “But near the end, when we were together, I felt like I needed to understand this part of me before I could commit to anyone.”

She nods slowly.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not like you cheated on me, right?”

“Of course I didn’t, I’d never do that.”

“So you’re bi, not gay?”

“Right.”

“So you were attracted to me?”

“What do you think?”

She shrugs. “Yeah, it definitely felt like it.”

“Because I was.” I can’t reassure her any more than that. When we were together, I was crazy about her, attracted isn’t even the word, but when I look at her now, I don’t feel what I felt then. I feel something, but not that.

“I care about you,” I say. “Actually, that’s an understatement, you’re so fucking important to me and I don’t want us to ever not be friends. I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone.”

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