Page 92 of Single Chance

“I can’t change that. I don’t know what do to improve our relationship, and that’s what I’m fucking talking about. I suck at relationships. Every kind.”

“You do not,” I said with conviction. His parents had done a job on him. It was now becoming clear how much their indifference, if that’s what it was, had burrowed deep into him and affected him. “I’ve never met your parents, but from what I’ve heard, they’re self-centered, self-important people too blind to see what a wonderful person their son is. And your wife…” I approached him and touched his forearm, still crossed with the other one as if to shut me out. “Chance, your wife was an addict. That had nothing to do with you.”

“What if it did?”

“It didn’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“What I know is you,” I said. “I know what kind of man you are, and I know she was a lucky woman to have you.”

“She didn’t seem to think so.” He pushed himself off the doorframe with a loud sigh. “I’m sorry. Forget about Erin. I know addiction was a factor. We’ve gotten off track.”

“It seems like we’re right on track.”

“The point is I’m messed up,” he said quietly, earnestly. “I don’t have a good history with long-term relationships, and I don’t believe it would be smart for us to get closer. We agreed on our goal, Rowan, and that’s raising our child. I don’t want anything to endanger our ability to do that. It’s better if we make it more of a businesslike relationship.”

Businesslike? I was admittedly new to raising kids, but I was pretty damn sure it was anything but businesslike.

“We’ve basically been in a relationship for weeks. Everything but sleeping together. We spend most of our waking ours together, talk every day, eat together, work together… We’ve beendoinga relationship, Chance.”

“I can’t knowingly continue that. Not with the stakes.”

I stared at him across the dark room. “So that’s it? You quit? Never mind what we started or how we feel?”

“It’s the smart thing to do.”

“Fuck smart, Chance. I can’t just unfeel things. I meant what I said. I love you.”

“I’m sorry, Rowan.” He said it with so much finality I wanted to slap some sense into him.

I wasn’t a violent person, had never hit anyone in my life, but if ever there was a moment that called for it…“You don’t even want to try?” I asked in disbelief.

He shook his head.

“The baby won’t be born for six months,” I said. “That’s a lot of time for a trial run.”

“And when it doesn’t work out, we still have a birth and a kid’s entire life to navigate.”

Whenit didn’t work out? I stared at him with my mouth gaping open. This side of him was…unexpected to say the least. “What if itdidwork out, Chance?”

He uncrossed his arms, shook his head. “Not going to go there.”

All I could do was stare at him as I tried to process his complete, utter cowardice. I’d known he was reluctant to get involved, but I had way underestimated his fear.

“You won’t even consider trying?” I finally managed. “You won’t let things develop slowly, naturally, and see what happens?”

He wouldn’t look at me now. I’d never, ever seen even a hint of this side of Chance.

I felt sick to my stomach, sheer, utter disappointment bubbling up like acid. And heartbreak? My chest throbbed with an ache that made it difficult to breathe. I felt as if my heart was literally cracking into pieces.

The plummet from blissful euphoria two hours ago to this… I hadn’t seen it coming. Not even a hint. This was a T-bone blindside accident on the driver’s side, crushing me on impact.

“You should go to bed, Rowan,” he said, still not looking at me. “Try to get some sleep. I’m not changing my mind.”

I narrowed my eyes and summoned the energy to spit out at him, “I have experience with hopeless situations. There was no hope for my Gram, but she had no choice in the matter. It’s the most grim, awful way to exist. But you… You’rechoosingto live without hope. That’s the most tragic, pathetic, disappointing thing I’ve ever heard of.” My voice, low with conviction and emotion, cracked a little, but I wasn’t done yet. “I can’t fix that for you, Chance. Only you can. Sadly you’re not the only one losing out because of your cowardice.”

He squeezed his eyes closed, the first sign I’d seen that he might have any regrets or second thoughts. I waited to see if he’d change his mind. Gave him the chance to backpedal. All he did was drop into his desk chair and swivel away from me.

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