Probably it was myself.
“You know I’m vulnerable right now. And by vulnerable, I mean an emotional train wreck.” I managed an upward tilt of my lips.
“Of course you are,” he said. His voice held compassion, understanding.
Focusing my gaze on the next topper, I continued, “I need to get my feet under me, Chance. Caring for my grandmother”—my voice wavered but I pushed through it—“I wouldn’t trade my time with her for anything. It was an extraordinary privilege to be the person she trusted to see her out of this realm. That probably sounds weird…” I shook my head, unable to explain any better what I felt from the depths of my soul.
“Not weird. I’ve never been in that position, but I sort of understand.”
I nodded, content with that. Relieved he didn’t make a face like I was nuts or ask me to explain it. “Anyway, it…took a lot out of me. I basically set myself aside to take care of her. Myself, my needs, my everything. Out of necessity. I don’t want sympathy,” I said in a rush. “Like I said, I chose to be there for her, and I’d make the same choice again.”
“I understand that, Rowan. I meant it when I said she was lucky to have you.”
I ignored that, determined to get the rest of my thoughts out in answer to his original question. “To get pregnant now…” I pressed my lips together and shook my head.
“Irony is a bitch, isn’t it?” He smiled as he said it, and I grinned too because, well, that was the truth, and I knew becoming a father again hadn’t been on his to-do list. Once again, if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry.
I was so tired of crying.
“You’re being amazing, Chance, and that’s part of the problem.”
He reared back, as if that wasn’t where he thought I’d go. “Explain that?”
I smiled to soften my answer. “You’re supportive and understanding.”Not to mention so damn good-looking.“You cooked me lunch, offered me a cheap place to stay. You ask how I’m feeling. You seem like the kind of guy who’d hold back a girl’s hair when she gets sick.”
His amused grin made me suspect he’d done that very thing at some point in his life.
“And I appreciate all of it,” I said. “But I’m also scared I’ll get too used to it.”
“So you’ll move in if I’m mean to you?” His dimple appeared.
I laughed lightly. “Please no. I appreciate your kindness.”
I set the assembled topper down. God help me, how did I say what I needed to say without saying exactly what I was afraid of—that I’d drift into a relationship with him because it was convenient and tempting to be cared for? I didn’t trust myself to make wise decisions for my own future right now.
“We’re already straddling this awkward connection of working together and expecting a baby,” I said quietly.
He nodded.
“If we live together, it’s going to get even messier.” I tapped my index finger on the table, searching for the right words. “Harder for me to stay clear-minded and make good decisions.”
“We’ll make decisions together,” he said.
“For the baby, yes.”
He studied me for several seconds, making me antsy. I picked up another topper and folded it.
“You don’t want more between us than co-parenting,” he finally guessed.
“Yes. Exactly.”
“We already agreed to that.”
I laughed dryly. “Chance. That coworkers-only thing was before there was a baby or living together in the mix.”
Understanding washed over his features. “Right. So you’re afraid the lines would be blurrier.”
“Aren’t you?”