Page 253 of Time Stops With You

Twenty-Nine

NARDI

In the days that follow, I barely get out of bed.

Mom sleeps in the couch to give me space, which makes me feel even worse. Yet, I don’t think I can make a good enough argument to become roomies again.

Who’d want to room with a woman who bursts into tears for hours a day. A woman who blows her nose like a trumpet? Who clutches her pillow and sobs in the middle of sleep?

I wish I cared, but I don’t.

My entire world is grey.

The days I used to smile and laugh and feel carefree seem like ancient history or a past life. The Nardi I am now can’t bear to film a video or cook a meal or go outside and feel the sun.

Cullen wouldn’t want this. It makes me cry even harder to think my current downward spiral is disappointing him.

The shame makes me hide in bed.

Thus the vicious cycle continues.

It’s difficult watching my mom and brother’s concerned glances every time I shuffle out of my cave to get a glass of wateror to use the bathroom. They grimace at how awful I look. Gaunt cheekbones. Sunken, red-rimmed eyes. Disheveled, uncombed hair.

I put Cullen’s ring away and I’ve stopped taking peeks at the mirror just so I don’t have to look at my face.

I should eat.

I know.

But food tastes like dust and I just can’t bring myself to swallow.

Mom got extremely angry last night after she brought in a plate of toast and I left it there, untouched.“We’re not in the apocalypse, Nardi. The world didn’t stop turning. You lost someone, but YOU’RE still here’.

I suppose, in her mind, that was comforting. But in truth, I don’twantto be here. I don’twantto learn how to live in a world without Cullen.

Though I knew he was dying, though I’d braced myself for this moment, I’m still woefully unprepared for the devastation. It’s like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and now they’re ordering me to go on living as if nothing happened.

How can I? When something so important is missing from my body?

Sunny and Darrel visit our tiny apartment not long after Whitaker shows up. Mom orders me to get up and greet them when I ask her to send them away. At first I don’t move, but a glimmer of guilt forces me out of bed.

Sunny’s been a consistent friend, calling and checking up on me. On some level, I feel like I owe her at least five minutes.

I throw the sheet off and start moving.

“Wait.” Mom’s fingers dig into my arm. “Wash your face before you go out there.”

I ignore her advice and march to the living room. Darrel’s expression is impassive when he sees me, but his wife can’t hide her surprise.

Sunny blinks rapidly. “Oh, Nardi.”

It’s all she says, but it’s enough to make the tears spring to my eyes again.

Sunny rushes over and gives me a hug. She smells like expensive perfume and lotion. Her fancy gold bracelet digs into me as she wraps her arms tightly around my back.

It’s so strange but, even as Sunny’s holding me to comfort me, I feel an unexplainable disgust. She’s living happily with Darrel. They have so many years together. No wonder she smells sweet. Her entire life is sweet.

I remain stiff in her arms until Sunny gets enough of the hug and steps back. However, she holds both my wrists as if she’s afraid of completely letting go.

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