Page 119 of The Lair

My heart stops. “You knew who I was all this time?”

“No,” he says. I wouldn’t know how to feel if he’d said anything else. “But when your family left, Charlie recognized them and showed me everything. I’m so fucking sorry, Allie.”

When I blink, more tears fall. “You don’t have to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

But he shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have gone through that shit. A kidnapping, Allie? For fuck’s sake. I can only imagine what went through your head the night of the break-in. I should’ve done more to protect you. Shouldn’t have gotten angry at you like I did.”

“You had no idea what had happened to me,” I point out, my voice small.

“Maybe not, but I could’ve asked.”

“You did. And I lied.”

“I knew you were lying,” he admits. “I should’ve insisted. I should’ve done more to help you.”

Is that the sound of my heart shattering?

My brain is telling me that I shouldn’t, but my heart doesn’t listen as I step closer to him.

“Travis… you couldn’t have done anything because I didn’t let you. You were just respecting my boundaries. You should be mad at me, not at yourself.”

He frowns. “Why would I be mad at you?”

Why would henot?

“I lied to you. Omitted so many things about my past,” I repeat. “I don’t deserve your compassion. I don’t deserve you being here right now.”

“Allie—”

“No, Travis.” My voice sounds firmer, but my tears keep falling. Does he not see it? “You’re a good man. The best I know. You deserve better than someone who lies, hides, and doesn’t have a healthy relationship with themselves. Someone who doesn’t know how to do anything but run away from her problems.”

When I swallow, my throat feels as if a bunch of nails were passing through it.

I might have had a couple of therapy sessions this week, and they might have gone great, but I’m far from where I want and should be. My brain is in survival mode, Dr. Rowland said, and it’s going to take a long time to learn healthy habits and discard old ones. Until I can get a hold of the version of myself that I know is hiding in there somewhere, I can’t…

I can’t do this. Not to him.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I mutter.

“I’m here because I can’t fucking stand being in my own house knowing you’re not there.”

His words leave a sea of goose bumps on my skin.

“I’m not mad at you,” he declares, his voice the firmest I’ve ever heard it. “I understand why you had to lie or omit things. I don’t hold it against you. I could never.”

“You should,” I whisper.

“No, I shouldn’t,” he argues. “You don’t owe anyone your full story, Allie. Not even me. You were going to tell me that day in my office, am I right?” I give him a faint nod. “That’s good enough for me. You needed time to trust me, to feel comfortable opening up to someone for the first time. I, of all people, know what that’s like.”

His words make sense, too much sense, and they’re making me feel defensive when I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s his stubbornness, or perhaps mine, that finally makes me snap.

“You don’t know me,” I tell him, tired. I’m tired of him ignoring the obvious. He opens his mouth to argue, but I beat him to it. “No, Travis, you don’t. I’ve barely opened up to you because I was scared shitless of getting close to anyone. I couldn’t risk people finding out about my past. So don’t tell me you don’t hold that against me because youmust. You’ve let a stranger into your business, into your home, when I’ve done nothing but hide things from you or lie about them.”

“I don’t know you?” It sounds like a question, but I know he’s not waiting for an answer. “You’re gonna look at me with those beautiful eyes and tell me I don’t know that you’re the strongest fucking person I’ve ever met, and that I admire you more than I’ve ever admired anyone? You’re gonna tell me I don’t know that you love carrot cake beyond reason, that you change into your pajamas as soon as you get home because you can’t stand sitting on the couch with your outside clothes on, that you love cooking because it brings you peace, that math gives you a purpose, and that your lips aren’t the sweetest fucking thing I’ve ever tasted? That’s what you’re gonna do, Allie?”

My eyes fill with more tears as the butterflies in my stomach fly free once again. And even though it pains me to no end, I still tell him, “That’s not enough, Travis. You know things aboutme, but you don’t knowme.I never allowed anyone to get close enough. It’s not your fault.”

“So allow me to get to know you. And let me show you who I am too. If you’ve been closed off, so have I.”

---