Page 113 of Bad at Love

I’m not expecting Storm to drop everything to be with me, but I can’t chance ruining another thing in my life over not speaking up. Had I just done that through the years, maybe things would be different now. No, not maybe. They would be.

Had I stood up to my parents sooner, I wouldn’t be here right now. Though, I’d also never have met Storm…

I was terrified when he came into my life, not having any clue what he was going to bring with him. I was sure it would be nothing but chaos, but funnily enough, it was the opposite. Storm brought me peace and an understanding about myself, all because he chose to accept me for who I was and be there with me to stick up to my parents. He was there for me. He was a support. I never knew how important that was, how much I needed it.

Of course, I’ve had Marta by my side for years. She’s always been on my side, but it’s different with her. Yes, we’re friends, but she has a family and a very demanding job. I can’t expect her to drop everything to be there for me. But Storm did. He was here when I needed him. Even when I didn’t realize I needed him.

I think back on the late nights in the yard. The meals he cooked on the grill. The mornings he would sit at the dining table and watch me cook. The nights I’d go into his room. When he came to me. I allowed him into my bed, to sleep with me, and it didn’t make my skin crawl. He made this house more of ahome. He made it tolerable and livable and he gave me so much comfort in myself.

Storm is special to me, and maybe all the feelings I have for him aren’t real. I’d considered that I only feel this way because he’s been there for me during a vulnerable time, but deep down in my bones, I don’t think that’s true. My feelings for him aren’t just about him being there, supporting me, and being my first. It’s more than that.

It’s being able to tolerate him, firstly. It’s him being able to make me laugh. It’s being able to touch him and him touch me—sexually or otherwise—and not hate it. It’s having him in my space andlikingit. It’s the fact that he’s gone and I miss him. I want him here. I wish I knew where he was and what he was doing.

Storm belongs here with me. I don’t care about the money or even this house. We can go somewhere else—anywhere. I just need him with me. We need to be together. We make each other better, and if that’s not a reason to be with someone, I don’t know what is.

With a heavy sigh, I get to my feet and glance at the backpack I left by the door. There weren't nearly enough things in there for my trip, but that was the last thing I was worrying about when I left. And guess what? I’m still here. I survived.

I leave the bag where it is and trudge up the stairs to go to bed. It’s late and I’m exhausted. I stop when I reach the top and turn to stare into his room.

That room used to carry such a negative feeling for me. It was Tara’s room, and a place I didn’t go frequently. It was the part of the house that wasn’t mine, that I had no control over. It was the same way when Storm moved in, until… suddenly, it wasn’t. He made it better by being in there. That room turned into a comfortable place for me, in a different way than my own room is.

Glancing at my room, I make a decision. Nothing in this house is the same without him. I don’t want to be in this house without him here. It’s lonelier than it ever has been before. But I still live here for now, and I need to sleep. My eyes are closing, that’s how tired I am. My feet start to move, knowing my body is about to collapse. When I find myself going toward Storm’s room, I just keep going. I need a piece of him right now. Something. Even if it’s the sheets he slept on.

I swing the door shut once I’m inside, get down to my boxer briefs, leaving my clothes piled in the corner, and I climb into bed. My foot snags on something under the blankets, and when I dig it out, I see it’s one of his shirts. A dark red one he wore often. He looks so good in this color. Hell, he looks good in everything and nothing. I pull it up and press it to my chest, inhaling his scent. I hug his pillow, close my eyes, and fall asleep.

Chapter Forty-Six

Storm

I should have gone back to Boston. That was my plan. I was going to stay in a hotel or air BNB until I found an apartment because I wanted it to be permanent. Boston is my home. I left my mother to go there. That’s the place that I planned my life in. Yet, here I am, at Sea-Tac.

I follow the crowd of people getting off the plane and heading to the exit, where I make my way to the pickup area and request a ride. My brain is telling me I’m an idiot. That I shouldn’t be here, that it’s only going to end in me being hurt like I dealt with so many times as a child. Every fear, every little thing that caused me to bolt and make porn to get rich is showing its ugly face again.

First of all, what if Dominic is wrong? What if Gabriel wants nothing to do with me? What if he’s glad I’m out of his house and doesn’t want me back at all?

Second, what if all of that is false, and he does want to be together, but the porn thing has got to go? I’ll be poor. I’ll have no money, and I’ll go back to stressing about food and how I’ll survive. I don’t want that. I can’t live with that kind of stress.

Third, this does work out. Everything is perfect. But then he decides he’s had enough, and he leaves me. How the hell will I handle that?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware I have some attachment issues due to my life. But I’ve never cared until now. It’s never affected me until now. People have come and gone and I’ve let them. Things have come and gone, and I got new ones.

Yes, I am hurting because of my mother and I need to handle that, but my mother has been gone for quite some time now. Which means all the pain I’m feeling has to do with missing Gabriel, my adorable little nerd. I miss the fuck out of him, I really do. And I’m not sure how the hell that happened, but it did.

I freaked out when he started asking questions about us because deep down, I knew I wasn’t going to be able to just walk away. His question made me realize it, and I fucking panicked.

After spending some time with Dominic and Mikah on Kauai, Dominic finally talked me into coming back to tell Gabriel how I feel. I’ve been on him about communicating with me and I never gave him the same respect.

Fuck, I went to hang out with my friends to forget about Gabriel and the shit show that is my life, and all they did was make me face it. And now here I am, pulling up in front of Gabriel’s house at two am.

The first thing I notice is that his car isn’t in the driveway, which is fucking weird because his car is always here. Did he pickup an overnight shift at work? I doubt it. He needs his sleep and told me he’d never work those shifts. But if he’s worried about money… maybe he did?

Or what if… no. He couldn’t have sold the house already, right? I wouldn’t put it past him to sell it. He hates this house. Maybe me leaving made him realize just how much he wanted to get away from it? But selling it and getting everything out in such a short amount of time doesn’t seem right.

I get out of the car, thank the driver, and pull the key from my pocket as I move up the front steps, my luggage trailing behind me. I don’t know why I took the key when I left, but I’m glad I did. I guess maybe I knew I would need it.

When the door swings inward, I’m grateful that the furniture is still here—his furniture. Though, there is a backpack beside the door. It’s not like Gabriel to leave things around. I set my bags aside and close and lock the door. Flipping the light switch on, I look around. Everything seems to be here. Nothing outside of the backpack is out of place.

I pop into the kitchen, and don’t see anything missing. That’s good. Maybe he did pick up an overnight shift. I can’t imagine him going out… though, maybe he’s with Marta? Maybe she had something going on and he decided to do something for once? I don’t like the thought of it, of him being out with a bunch of people, but not because I’m jealous. It’s because I can’t imagine him having fun and I don’t like him upset… If he’s with a bunch of people at a party, he’s probably freaking out. I should let him know I’m here. I don’t want him to panic if he comes home and finds me. But I also don’t want to text or call and ruin whatever fun he’s having… if he’s having fun.

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