Page 87 of Bad at Love

“What’s there to be nervous about? These people don’t know me.”

“I don’t know. People usually get nervous before something like this.”

“I’m not usual.”

I laugh again. “Ain’t that the truth?”

He smirks, ducking his head.

“Can I tell you something?” he says carefully, almost unsure.

“Anything.”

I put my hand on his thigh. It’s still warm from the shower.

“When I first agreed to this, it was for the money—because that has been a struggle for me—but also because I was lashing out. I was angry with my parents and my life. Now that we’re here, I don’t care about the money anymore. And I’m not holding onto anger toward my family.”

I think about that for a second, then say, “What are you trying to say?”

He gives a little shrug, shaking his head. “I’m not sure.” He turns to look at me. “Maybe just that I’m enjoying this for what it is and not what it’s for?”

He’s telling me he likes hooking up with me. That he’s doing it for that reason and not just for the money. Gabriel is telling me he’s enjoying this for the sex.

“I love hearing that,” I say honestly.

“Do you?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

He ducks his head again, and a few beats pass before he speaks.

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re worried I’ll fall in love with you or something.” He huffs out a laugh, but my mouth goes dry.

I hadn’t thought aboutthat.

I’d considered the feelings I have for him. I’m fond of him. The sex is fun, new. I like exploring and teaching him. He isn’t so bad as a person. When he chills out, he’s fun. But love? This isn’t that. At least, it isn’t supposed to be that. Falling in love with anyone isn’t part of my plan, and having someone fall in love with me only complicates things. I can be fond of someone, sleep with them, then never talk to them again. I’m okay with that. Maybe I should have considered Gabe’s mental state a little more before jumping into this. I thought I had been, and I guess I was, just in a different way. I was too worried about taking advantage of him that I hadn’t considered anything more. Feelings can’t get involved.

“Hadn’t really thought about it,” I say, hoping my voice stays even.

“I think about it too much.”

“Why?” I ask.

I don’t want Gabe to be uncomfortable, and I want him to be able to talk to me about anything. But if he tells me he thinks about us getting married and having kids, I may have to move out. No, I definitely will move out.

“Worried, I guess. All of this is strange for me. Different. Not something I’d considered before. I always thought my life wouldend up looking like my parents’ and being with you has shown me the possibility that it can be very, very different.”

I nod as I consider what to say and how to say it. I don’t want to say something to make him worry about speaking to me. The last thing I need is for him to keep things from me.

“I can see why you would worry about that, but don’t overthink it. Just do what makes you happy. No offense, Gabe, but fuck your parents. They’re assholes and they don’t treat you right.”

“I know they don’t.” He gives a humorless laugh. “I’ve always known that, but I’ve always accepted it. I thought I was the one who was wrong, and I needed to change to fit the mold they made for me.”

“You don’t. And you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone.Ever. You’re you, and you’ll only ever be truly happy if that’s who you are.”

He turns to me with a smile. “Wise words.”

I chuckle, then get up, putting my laptop on my dresser. “Come make me food. I’m hungry.”

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