Page 42 of Bad at Love

“Oh, okay.”

He moves in front of me more and it takes everything in me not to stare at his mouth again. My stomach does all kinds of flips just thinking about how he felt. I’ve kissed people before, of course, but kissing him, as simple as it was, was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It was so much more. I liked it. I actually liked it and felt something from it. That’s never happened to me before.

“Can we talk anyway? There’s something I need to tell you.”

Oh… so he is leaving. A zap of fear slams into my chest, but I nod and follow him into the kitchen. It’s best we get this done and over with. Stalling will only cause me to obsess over it. Lose sleep probably.

He busies himself making us tea to lessen the blow. I smell the chamomile when he puts the mug down in front of me, and it’s just the way I like. If he tells me he’s leaving, I can’t throw the contract in his face. Not after I sexually assaulted him. But that’s okay. I’ll manage.

He sits in his chair across from me, staring down at his mug of tea. It’s quiet. Too quiet. The air is tense. I go to speak because it seems like he’s not going to.

“So—”

“I make porn.”

“What?” I choke out.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. Or, well, didn’t lie but kept it from you, but I knew it would freak you out and I didn’t want you kicking me out over it. I’m still considered a content creator, so it’s not like I all-out lied. I just didn’t get too specific, you know?”

I blink a few times, my mouth opening and closing like a fish until I finally get words out.

“You make porn?”

Why doesn’t that bother me? It doesn’t disgust me, though my mother’s voice does go through my head.

That is terrible, Gabriel. Don’t ever let me catch you watching that filth.

It wasn’t me who was watching it. It was Sterling. I had just walked into the room and caught him seconds before my mother did. It wasn’t even my room and yet I was the one who got in trouble for it.

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “I’m sorry I kept it from you, but after what happened… Well, I didn’t want you thinking it was a big deal. I promise it isn’t.”

“You make porn… h-here?” I stammer out.

“Yes.” He nods firmly.

“When… how-how do you sneak people in without me knowing?”

“Oh, I don’t sneak people in.” He shakes his head, putting his hands flat on the table. “I make solo content.”

Solo content, as in…

“Wait.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Is that what you were doing that day I caught you?”

“Yes.” He chuckles nervously. “And let me tell you, getting caught made me a lot of money.”

“You used me!”

“No!” He waves his hands at me. “No, you weren’t in the video and it wasn’t planned. Though if you had been, that would have been so much better.”

I narrow my eyes, trying to process what he’s saying.

“Why?” I ask, curiosity winning out.

“Why do I make porn?” he asks carefully. “‘Cause it makes me a shit ton of mo—”

“No, why would it have been better if I was in the video?”

I’m not entirely sure why those words come out of my mouth. Curiosity, I guess. This whole thing is making me very curious. I’m in a strange mood, and after the conversation with Marta, I’m thinking about all sorts of things. Things I could do if I didn’t let my parents control my life. Things that would make me happy, if only I allowed myself to do them. Where I would be if I didn’t allow people to hold me back…

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