Page 23 of Reckless Hearts

“But you’re the one who told me I wouldn’t fail, no matter what happens.”

I reach for Alana, pulling her down so she lies against me, her warm skin pressed against mine as I close my eyes and try to memorize this feeling of holding her in my arms, of everything about her. “And you won’t,” I tell her.

She lifts her head, propping herself up on my chest. “And neither will you.”

I laugh, tucking her hair behind her ears. “But I did,” I tell her. “I tried to compete again, and I just…” I trail off, remembering the next year when I tried to just pretend like the accident had never happened.

But it was all anyone wanted to talk about, all anyone ever asked me about at every surf comp I showed up to. And the pressure felt impossible, like I was carrying the weight of everyone’s expectations, and no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.

I was a five-time World Champion, and after the accident, I couldn’t even fucking place. Eventually, it was just easier to withdraw and stop competing altogether.

“I couldn’t even place, Alana,” I eventually say. “The accident was all anyone could talk about, even the following year. I fucking hated that they kept reminding me about it when all I wanted to do was forget. It fucked with my head, and in the end, I just…stopped.”

“So what, you gave up?” she asks.

“I mean, yeah, I guess,” I tell her, knowing how pathetic that makes me. “But if I wasn’t going to compete, I decided I’d do the next best thing.”

“What’s that?”

I blow out a breath, knowing this is it. This is the moment all of this ends between us. “I coach,” I tell her, watching her beautiful blue eyes. “I coach Jade Whitlock.”

She immediately tenses, pulling herself from my arms as she sits up, an inch of space now between us that feels like a fucking mile.

“You coach Jade Whitlock?” she repeats, swallowing hard.

“Yeah,” I say. “Which is why…” I trail off, not even wanting to say it again.

“Why we can’t do this,” Alana says, voicing it anyway.

I sit up, my hand moving to her face, curling around her jaw as I rest my forehead against hers. “There are rules in place,” I start, knowing she probably knows all this. “And I can’t coach her and coach you.”

Alana nods. “Yeah, no, I get it.”

“I shouldn’t even be surfing with you,” I tell her, already knowing far too much about her style and technique. Knowledge that could help Jade beat her if I wanted to use it.

“Of course,” she says, her eyes closing.

“And this,” I continue. “This doesn’t look good either.”

She nods again, pulling back a little. “No, of course it doesn’t,” she whispers, blinking her eyes open. “I’ll go.”

“Alana,” I say softly, my grip on her neck tightening. “I never wanted this to happen.”

She lets out a soft laugh. “Yeah, I know, it was just a quick hook up, right? Two people looking for a good time and?—”

“No, it wasn’t just that,” I say, cutting her off. “And I meant what I said, I never wanted to hurt you.”

She lifts her eyes to mine. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers.

I swallow hard, trying to find a way to explain it to her that doesn’t make me sound like a fucking arsehole. Although to be fair, I think that ship has well and truly sailed.

“I wanted to,” I say. “You didn’t recognize me though, and it was just so, so…so fucking refreshing, you know? To not have someone ask me about the accident or if I was ever gonna compete again. You were just you and you let me just be me. The guy I was before the accident. And I loved that.”

She lets out a breath, nodding a little as though she gets it. And while I know her situation with her coach dying is different to mine, the end result isn’t that much different. When things change and what you once loved becomes hard work, it feels like there’s just no point anymore. And you’d do anything to forget that feeling, to go back to the way things were before.

“I guess I should go,” she says, pulling back as she moves to the side of the bed.

I follow her, standing and pulling her into my arms in a tight embrace. “I’m really sorry, Alana. I never wanted to hurt you.”

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