Page 3 of Twisted Fate

“There you are. I wondered where you went.” I froze at the sound of my mother’s voice. For a few heartbeats, I stood there, my foot poised on the bottom step of the staircase that would take me to my reprieve.

“Lilah,” she said, a lilt of concern in her soft voice. I turned to her, and her smile faltered. She held a basket of freshly folded laundry in her hands, and it struck me how hard she worked. It was her only day off, yet she didn’t have a spare moment to herself. She would most likely catch up on housework, then cook a big meal for my little brother and me to have for the next few days while she pulled twelve hour shifts at the hospital. If this was what it took to be a mother, I didn’t know if I had it in me. How would I raise a child on my own like she has for the past thirteen years since my father left? I wasn’t strong like her. I wasn’t selfless and determined. There was no way I could do this right now. I was a mess.

My chin quivered, and I watched as fear flashed in her eyes. The floodgates opened, and she dropped the basket. It landed with a thud on the hardwood floor. She caught me in her arms as my knees buckled, and she held me as I cried.

When my body-wracking sobs finally subsided and there were no tears left to cry, I told her about the pregnancy. I left out the part where Chad forced himself on me, claiming it happened at a party and I didn’t know his name, so she wouldn’t have to live with that ugliness staining her soul.

“We’ll figure this out,” she promised, pushing the hair back from my face, her thumbs rubbing soothingly over my tear-stained cheeks.

* * *

Within days,my life was turned upside down. I’d transferred schools so I could be closer to home and my doctor. Before winter break was over, I had all my things moved back home. I didn’t want to risk running into anyone, especially Danielle. Deep down, I knew what happened to me wasn’t her fault, but she left me that night. I hadn’t been able to look at her the same since. Before we split for winter break, she kept asking me what was wrong—clearly, she sensed something was amiss—but I brushed her off, claiming it was stress from finals, when in reality, I was slowly dying inside. There was no one there I could trust, and I wanted to get away from them all.

She called me in a panic after she finally returned to our dorm when the new semester started, and my side of the room was bare. I told her I couldn’t afford the university anymore and had transferred to a school closer to home. It wasn’t necessarily a lie. My mom really couldn’t afford the exorbitant cost of me attending school there plus living on campus, even with the scholarships. I had to get loans to fill in the gaps, and she worked every hour of overtime they offered her to give me a top-notch education.

I avoided Dani’s calls and texts after that, claiming to be busy, when in reality, I didn’t want any ties to that place. I wanted to put it all behind me and move forward.

A couple weeks after moving back home, my mom sat me down to talk. I drew in a shuddering breath as she gripped my trembling hands in hers. Worry lines creased her forehead, and her tired eyes grew weary.

“I’m not going to pressure you into making any decisions. That’s not what this is about,” she began, and I swallowed thickly. I wasn’t prepared for this conversation, but it was coming whether I was ready or not.

Just like this baby.

“Ultimately, it’s up to you how you want to proceed, but I’ve been talking to Darla,” she announced, and I winced. I didn’t want anyone in our family knowing about my … situation. They would all find out eventually, but I wasn’t ready to share this new development. “You know your cousin Sarah and her husband Vance have been trying for a baby for a long time.” Her sad eyes softened, and I knew what she was going to ask before the words even left her mouth. “I know you’re not ready for this. I can see the terror in your eyes any time we talk about it. I just want you to know there are options out there. If you want to consider adoption, they would be the perfect choice.”

She was right. My cousin Sarah would make a great mother. She’d always been kind and patient, even when her little sister Emily and I got into her makeup or made a mess of the house while she babysat us. She’d always been like a mother hen, nurturing and protective. Now, at twenty-nine, she was much better suited to take care of a child than I was. Besides, she had a loving husband and a stable home. It was entirely unfair that they were unable to have children.

I didn’t know her husband well, but Vance seemed like a great guy. They got married when I was a freshman in high school, but I was too self-absorbed at the time to get to know him. If it didn’t have to do with my friends or cheerleading, I wasn’t interested. Soon after the wedding, they moved out of state for Vance’s job, and I only saw them on special occasions. Even though I hadn't spent much time around him, he was always nice to me, and Aunt Darla spoke highly of him. Sarah had chosen to spend her life with him, and that told me everything I needed to know.

If I could hand select who would raise this child as their own, it would be them. It also helped that Sarah and I looked just alike. We had both taken after our moms who were twins. The biggest difference was she had brown eyes where mine were blue. Any child of mine had a fairly high chance of resembling her.

“Yes,” I said, cutting her off. She was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her over the din of my thoughts.

Her eyes widened and she straightened, shock washing over her features. “Are you sure? You have time to decide. You don’t have to—”

“I’m sure.” There was no hesitation, no doubt or worry that I was making a rash decision. I’d been thinking about it non-stop for weeks, weighing all my options. Adoption was already at the forefront of my mind.

This was what was best for everybody. I didn’t have the means to raise a child, and I wouldn’t put the burden on my mother. There was a great couple out there just waiting to become loving parents. It was the right thing to do and the only choice I could live with.

2

FOUR YEARS LATER…

Delilah

I staredat my reflection in the mirror, my eyes unseeing as I secured the last button on my black skirt. Smoothing my hands over the fabric, I took a deep, steadying breath. How could she be gone already? She was so young;tooyoung. And now I’d never see her smiling face again. I wanted to scream. I wanted to rage at the unfairness of such a vibrant, beautiful life being taken from this world far too soon, but that wouldn’t help anybody.

Sliding into the passenger seat of my mom’s car, I buckled myself in and folded my hands in my lap as she turned over the ignition. It was less than an hour’s drive to the town where Sarah lived, but I hadn’t bothered to make the trip since she moved back last year. It hurt too bad. I couldn’t watch as someone else raised the child I’d given birth to even though it had been what was best for both of us. It was an open adoption—something Sarah had been adamant about—so I received pictures and updates about Charlie. Sarah and Vance also made it known that I could visit any time, but they never pressured me to do so. Sarah was the one person on this earth that knew about Charlie’s conception. I’d confessed everything one day after an appointment she came to with me. We were both emotional after seeing the baby moving around on the ultrasound, and I broke down. She held me as I cried and spilled my guts in the parking lot. Then I made her promise not to tell a soul, not even her husband. Her hands clasped mine, her teary eyes filled with determination, and she nodded her agreement, a silent vow to hold my secret close to her heart.

Once Charlie was born, Sarah ensured that I knew I was always welcome to visit. However, she never pushed the subject. She understood my need to distance myself and take time to heal. That was why I had an open invitation, but I never took her up on the offer.

I tried to once, on Charlie’s first birthday. Somehow, I built up the courage to drive over three hours on a Saturday afternoon to see the daughter I’d given up for the first time since we finalized the adoption. My palms grew so damp I was surprised I didn’t lose my grip on the steering wheel. Then again, I was holding it so tightly, I practically had to peel my fingers off it when I put the car in park. That was when it happened.

I glanced up in time to see the front door to Vance and Sarah’s house open, and my cousin stepped out to greet partygoers. And she wasn’t alone. A beautiful, dark haired baby with rosy cheeks and a round, cherubic face sat perched on her hip. The little girl gave a big toothy grin, bouncing excitedly in her mom’s arms. Charlie looked so happy. Her bright beaming smile caused my chest to ache with an equal measure of gratitude and remorse. She was living her best life with two amazing, stable parents, and I was about to crash into her world and complicate everything with my presence. I couldn’t do that to her. Iwouldn’t.

So I turned around and headed home, my heart in my throat and tears welling in my eyes. I never attempted to see her again.

At first, it was easier to justify staying away. I could blame the distance. But when they decided they wanted to be near family, Vance found another job closer to home, and they moved back. They were only forty-five minutes away, and I still couldn’t bring myself to visit even though I yearned to see my daughter. I’d worked hard over the last few years to heal, and now that I was in a better place mentally and emotionally, the desire to reconnect with her had grown to the point it was nearly overwhelming, but I felt like I’d missed my chance. She wouldn’t know who I was, and I didn’t want to disrupt her life by inserting myself into it now.

---