Page 29 of Desperation

Hannah

I heard coos and soft whispers coming through the monitor as I awoke to a crisp, bright morning. I laid in bed, listening to Drake talk to our son before leaving for work, and an elated grin tugged at my lips. The last two months hadn’t been perfect, but things between Drake and I were better than they had been before I got pregnant. I’d been ready to leave. He’d gone too far, putting marks on my body and bruises on my face, and I was willing to live on the streets if it meant getting away from him. But then I’d found out about Jameson, and Drake convinced me to stay. He made promises he didn’t keep, and I saw my way out getting smaller and smaller until it disappeared. But then Jameson came, and those promises weren’t so hollow anymore. Drake was keeping them. He was trying so hard to be a good father and provider. He still said and did things that bothered me, but I could overlook all that. He hadn’t put his hands on me in six months, and that was what mattered most. The rest, we could work on.

Drake sauntered into the room holding our son with a huge grin on his face. “He has a fresh diaper and an empty tummy. I’ve fixed him as much as I can,” he announced playfully, handing Jameson to me. I fed him while Drake finished dressing for work. That spark that ignited when I used to watch him get dressed had been smothered, but perhaps it would flicker back to life with time. We’d come so far, but still had a long way to go. I was determined to make our little family a happy one. My son deserved that. He deserved to have what I never did: two loving parents. I’d had my mom, but not for nearly long enough. I never wanted my child to go through what I did. Even if something happened to one of us, he would have the other.

“I’ll be getting in late again tonight,” Drake announced from the doorway. “Don’t wait up.” Before I could ask him why, he was gone. I worried about what he was doing these evenings he was away. He said he was helping his dad, doing little jobs here and there, and he was bringing home a little extra cash, but there was an uneasy feeling I couldn’t explain churning in my gut. Every time he walked out the door, asking me not to wait up for him, I feared he wouldn't make it back.

I spent my day the same way I had the last several months. I took care of Jameson, cleaned and did laundry, and tried to study. Drake didn’t know it, but I was working on getting my GED. When I met him and fled from my foster home, I had dropped out of school, and that decision had haunted me ever since. I hoped to convince him to let me get a job or go to college eventually. I wanted a future. I wanted more out of life, more for our son. Having Jameson reinvigorated me. But I had to approach the subject delicately. Drake was doing better, but I didn’t want to push too far, too fast. I’d wait until I had my diploma then broach the subject with him.

Around lunchtime there was a knock on the door. Even though it had been a long while since Devon showed up here, that sound always sent a little zing of excitement through me. Hank’s girlfriend Sandra was standing on the other side when I opened it. A blast of cold air hit my face and rustled my hair, and I shivered.

“Come in, come in.” I ushered her inside, quietly shutting out the frigid wind. Sandra was still a fairly new edition around here, but she’d been a much needed friend. Hank brought her around when Jameson was six-weeks-old. They'd been dating for a few months by then, and he finally felt comfortable letting her meet his family. According to her, she gave him the cold shoulder when she found out he had a grandson she’d never met. Apparently, she loved babies, and he had to promise to bring her right to us before she would forgive him.

I wondered if she knew what kind of monster he could be, but I didn’t want to say anything that could get back to him. Maybe he was different with her. I hoped so, for her sake.

“I brought goodies,” she announced, shaking a tin of cookies at me.

“If you don’t stop, I’m gonna put all that baby weight back on,” I scolded but greedily snatched the container from her hands. She always brought something when she came over, and I wondered if she felt she needed an offering to see the baby.

“I’ll have you know those are lactation cookies, and the calories don’t count.” We both giggled as she reached in and plucked one out, popping it into her mouth. “I didn’t eat breakfast, and these have oats in them,” she explained.

“Totally justifiable.” She grinned at my approval.

“I knew I liked you,” she drawled and gave me a wink.

It was so nice to have another female around. She adored Jameson and always offered to help when she was here. I was growing fond of her, and I prayed she stuck around. If Hank screwed this up and she left, I would be lost.

That night, Drake returned home after I’d gone to bed. He slipped into our bed, and his warm, naked body pressed against mine. Tiny droplets of water fell from his hair, tickling my neck when they landed. He kissed the moisture away and whispered in my ear, “I missed you.” I wanted to ask him where he’d been, but I knew he’d be vague and evasive, and I didn’t have the energy to fight. He rolled me over and kissed his way down my body.

I told myself I wanted this. I had an IUD now, so I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant again. Drake was my boyfriend, and he loved me. I loved him.

So why did I have to pretend he was someone else every time he touched me?

* * *

“I have a surprise for you,” Drake announced one Saturday afternoon. I looked up at him from the pile of burp cloths I was folding, my curiosity piqued.

“What is it?”

“We’re going on a date.”

“What?” I barked out in surprised laughter.

“You heard me.” He grinned and leaned over, forcing me to lie on my back as he crawled over me. “We haven’t been on a date in a long time. We’re way overdue.”

“What are we gonna do about Jameson?”

“Sandra’s coming over to babysit.” I just stared at him dumbfounded. We never went on dates. I rarely left the house, even before having a baby. I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence to express how I felt.

“You better get ready,” he warned. “We have reservations at seven.” I checked the time. It was almost five thirty, and I had no idea where we were going. I hopped off the bed and ran to the bathroom to jump in the shower.

When Sandra got there half an hour later, I went over a whole list of instructions with her and made sure she had both our numbers, the local hospital’s number, and poison control in her contacts.

“You do know I raised two children, right?”

I let out a nervous chuckle. “I know, I know. I’ve just never been away from him before.”

“We’ll be fine,” she assured me. “Now finish putting your face on, and wear something sexy. Your man is taking you out, honey,” she added excitedly.

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