Page 19 of Desperation

“Game’s about to start,” Drake announced, clapping me on the shoulder as he stood. “Let’s head to the living room.” He grabbed a couple beers, handing one to me as he looked on expectantly, a silent warning for me to follow and not stay back with Hannah. He was on to me, and I’d have to pull back before his suspicions grew, if only for her sake.

For the next two and a half hours, I sat in front of Drake’s TV, pretending to watch a baseball game I didn’t give two shits about. I was all too aware of Hannah’s presence and the memory of her lips on mine. She was rarely where I could see her, even from my periphery, but I could feel her. I knew where she was in the house at all times. Even over the din of the cheering crowds and crack of wood against leather and thread, I could hear her movements in the kitchen, the bedroom, walking down the hall. She was everywhere, her scent and warmth enveloping me.

She would occasionally bring Drake another beer, always asking if I wanted more. I declined more often than not, only drinking one to Drake’s two or three. She finally joined us in the bottom of the seventh inning, curling up on the far end of the couch next to Drake’s chair. Only a cushion separated us, but it felt like a vast, endless ocean. I couldn’t touch her, not in front of Drake; I could barely see her or talk to her.

She’d only been off her feet for ten minutes when Drake opened his mouth and sent our night spiraling into disaster.

Chapter Fourteen

Hannah

“Babe, can you grab me another beer?” I held in a sigh at Drake’s request. I’d finally gotten a chance to sit down and relax, and he had to have another drink. I was tempted to crack the can open and pour it over his head, but it was merely a fantasy.

I should have been more grateful. Dinner had been taken care of, and Drake had been more affectionate than usual. Although I had a sneaking suspicion that had more to do with Devon’s presence and his need to stake his claim on me. Either way, it had been nice. Drake tended to take me for granted, only offering little morsels of love and tenderness when he wanted something from me. I was left craving the contact, the warmth of human touch. For once, he was meeting my needs.

Standing to retrieve his beer, I figured I’d offer to grab Devon another since I was up anyway. When I cleared the table earlier, there’d only been a few on his side, and he was still nursing the one he’d had for a while. It was probably warm by now.

“Would you like another?” His steely gaze met mine, and I nearly shrank back at the intensity. I wasn’t scared like I got with Drake, just … overwhelmed. He devoured me with his eyes, his stare assessing and almost protective. He glanced toward Drake, and his features hardened slightly. What was that look about?

“No, thank you. I’m good. I think I’ll grab a water.” He looked like he was about to stand when Drake spoke up from behind me.

“Bro, don’t be such a pussy. You’ve got some catching up to do. It’s not like you can’t just stay here tonight if you have too much.” I turned to leave, tired of listening to his ramblings and macho male put-downs, but Drake's next words stopped me in my tracks.

“You won’t have to worry about another DUI if you just sleep here.” I stood frozen, watching the smirk spread over his face as my stomach dropped to the floor. He went on as though his statement hadn’t knocked the wind out of me like a punch to the gut. “I guess technically you were never charged since Dad was able to pull some strings and call in a few favors. Most teenagers don’t get a slap on the wrist for drunk driving. Guess you were lucky nobody got hurt too bad.” He took a swig of his beer and discarded the empty can on the coffee table, smug triumph lighting up his lazy, near drunken features.

His gaze shifted to me, and his eyes widened a bit. “Ah, Hannah I’m sorry.” His apology was a farce. There was no sincerity, no consideration for my feelings. He was putting on a show, and I was tired of watching. His hand shot out to grip my arm when I tried to leave, and I shrank back. “I didn’t mean to upset you or bring back painful memories of your mom.”

“It’s fine,” I muttered and yanked my arm free. I couldn’t look at Devon. The wound I’d closed years ago ripped open with the revelation, and I felt myself bleeding out. All my sorrow and anguish spilled from my veins as her memory flooded me. My beautiful, selfless, innocent mother had been stolen from me by some inconsiderate, selfish bastard who’d gotten behind the wheel after a graduation party with his frat brothers. His blood alcohol level had been three times the legal limit when the cops arrived on the scene of the accident. Yet he didn’t care. He did what he wanted, not giving a damn about the consequences of his actions, not caring that he could steal a loving, compassionate mother from her young, vulnerable daughter. And he’d barely served any time for it. Three years was a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime without my mother.

Heart thudding in my chest, I dashed for my room. I couldn’t be near Devon right now. I felt betrayed. He had done something unforgivable in my eyes, and even though he didn’t know me then, it still felt like a slap in the face. It was a direct hit to my respect for him, and I wasn't sure I could ever forgive that.

“Her mom was killed by a drunk driver.” Drake’s voice sounded over the thrum of blood rushing in my ears. “She ended up in foster care because of it.” I disappeared down the hall, slamming the door shut when I got to my bedroom. I didn’t want to hear anything else, not from Drake or Devon. I curled up in my bed, clutching my pillow to my chest, and let the tears fall freely. I mourned her all over again, but there was something else to mourn this time: Devon.

I thought he was someone safe. I’d let my guard down, and he’d slipped between the cracks of my shattered heart. I had trusted him, but I couldn’t figure out why I was so quick to put my faith in someone I barely knew. Maybe it was my desperation to feel safe. Maybe, deep down, I just wanted away from Drake, and he seemed like a way out. When he offered to take me away from here, I’d almost said yes. But what would I have gotten myself into?

Loneliness seeped into my bones, a sorrow so deep it caused my entire body to ache. A soft knock at the door came a moment later. I didn’t answer. I knew who it was.

Another knock and a soft thud that sounded like someone’s forehead dropping to the wood. “Hannah, please,” Devon pleaded. “I was a kid, a stupid teenager. I know it’s not an excuse, but…” He paused, and I imagined him taking a deep breath, trying to find the right words to say to someone whose image of you has been irreparably shattered. “Nobody got hurt, and I’ve never done it again. I turned my life around after that.” Another pause. I couldn’t believe he was standing at my door, saying all of this. Where was Drake? Would he wonder why Devon was saying this to me, spilling his guts to a casual acquaintance? “I just wanted to say…” Another pause, then a sigh. “I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t move, couldn’t make myself go to the door, open it, and offer my forgiveness. I should have been able to forgive him, but maybe it was better if I didn’t. Maybe if I convinced myself he was the bad guy, it wouldn’t hurt so much when he left. Maybe it would be easier to stay with Drake and give him a chance. Cutting him off now could save me a lot of heartbreak in the future. You can’t mourn something you never had, right? If only I could convince my heart of that.

Chapter Fifteen

Devon

I returned to base Monday morning resembling a zombie. I’d barely slept all weekend, the look of absolute horror and disappointment on Hannah’s face the only thing I saw when I shut my eyes. She’d hated me in that moment, the second she learned about my past. I couldn’t blame her, though. I had done the same thing, made the same careless decisions as the person who’d stolen her mother from her. The only difference was I got lucky. No one was seriously injured from my mistake. I had the chance to redeem myself and felt like I was succeeding. Until the moment Hannah found out.

“Hey, loser. You look like shit. Party too hard while on leave?” I winced at Lorenzo’s greeting. Partying too hard as a kid was what got me into this mess. I never dreamed my actions back then would come back to haunt me now.

“Nah, just didn’t sleep well last night.” I brushed past him, and he fell into step beside me.

“Just last night?” He smirked, and I shoved him halfheartedly. “Okay, okay. I’m done.” He held up his hands in surrender. “I haven’t been able to razz you in weeks. It all just kinda built up, ya know.”

“You’re such a pest.”

“I heard that a lot growing up.” He shrugged, an ornery grin tugging at his lips.

“I bet,” I chuckled. “So where are we headed this time?”

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