Page 16 of Desperation

When we finally sat down at the table, my mom asked me about my day, and it killed me not to tell her everything. She hadn’t known about my interview, and I wanted to keep it that way. There was no need to get her hopes up in case I didn’t get the job.

I couldn’t tell her about Hannah either. She knew I was hanging out with Drake, and although she was apprehensive about me spending time with the person whom I’d spent most of my adolescence and teen years getting into trouble with, she knew I’d grown up tremendously since joining the Navy and trusted my judgment. Still, there was a part of her that worried about me falling back into bad habits. She certainly wouldn’t approve of me longing after my cousin’s girlfriend; especially when she was only a few short months away from bringing his child into the world. So I settled on the only safe topic we could discuss, telling her about my trip to the beach.

“I miss the beach.” She sighed with longing. It wasn’t that doctor’s orders prevented her from going to the beach. She just worried that the ocean water would get into the puncture wounds of her dialysis graft and cause an infection. Besides, she was afraid of driving herself when she tended to have fainting spells. She was worried about wrecking her car and hurting someone badly. That was a sentiment I could fully understand.

“When do you have to go back?”

Her question pulled me from the depths of my mistakes and regret.

“I have to report back Monday morning. I’ll be on the road before you wake up.” I twirled a few noodles around my fork and popped them into my mouth, nearly moaning at the rich, creamy sauce she'd made from scratch. Her face fell at the mention of my departure, and I quickly realized my mistake. Desperate to distract her from thoughts of me leaving, I quickly added, “I think this is the best alfredo you’ve ever made. You really outdid yourself.” She beamed at me, her smile quickly returning.

“Thank you. I used a different brand of parmesan this time.”

Easy conversation flowed between us after that, and I soaked up every moment. I would miss this when I went back, but I hoped I wouldn’t have to miss it for long.

Chapter Twelve

Hannah

The week passed by in a blur. I spent my days tending my little garden, preparing the nursery, and researching breastfeeding. By the time I closed the internet browser and shut the laptop screen on Friday afternoon, my brain was overloaded with information about proper latch techniques, cluster feedings, and nursing pillows. I thought this was supposed to come naturally. How the hell could it be so complicated?

My head was starting to ache, my stomach growled, and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. Glancing at the clock, I was surprised to find that had been nearly seven hours ago. I never went that long without eating something these days, my growing bump demanding to be replenished every few hours.

My stomach let out another low rumble, so I went in search of a snack to tide me over until dinner. Digging a chocolate covered granola bar out of the box, I unwrapped it as the dryer buzzed, alerting me that the cycle was finished. I devoured the bar in three huge bites and wiped my hands on a napkin before emptying the dryer. The freshly laundered towels surrounded me in the springy scent of fabric softener, and I brought one to my nose, inhaling a deep breath through my nostrils. I loved this scent, but I couldn’t wait for that new baby smell that would accompany my little boy once we brought him into this world. I already had special laundry detergent made just for the soft, new skin of a baby. There was also baby wash and heavenly scented lotion waiting in the cabinet in our bathroom.

I was dreaming of holding my new little bundle of joy when I heard a car door shut. It sounded close, so I went to the front window to peek outside. Our neighborhood was mostly lower middle class, and there weren’t too many people causing trouble around here, but we had a couple of teenagers who liked to run around and get into mischief. When I spotted Devon’s black truck in the driveway, my breath left me in a whoosh.What was he doing here?

I didn’t expect to see him back after his last visit. He would be reporting to base soon, and with the way he left things, it didn’t seem likely he’d want to endure another goodbye.

He was clearly here for Drake, though. That much was obvious. He’d be home within the hour, and I was certain Devon knew that. That was the only reason he’d waited all day to show up, a fact that left me with a tightening pang in my chest. It was irrational; I knew that. He wasn’t my boyfriend, and I had no right to feel that way, but it didn’t keep my heart from sinking all the way to my stomach. I gulped back the emotion settling thickly in my throat and went to the door just as he knocked. I pulled it open, startling him.

“Oh, uh … hey,” he stuttered out in greeting. “Is Drake home yet?”

“No, he doesn’t get home until five.” He glanced at his watch, his brow pinched in consternation.

“I guess I’m a bit early.” He looked at me then, and his lips tipped up into a smile. His features relaxed a bit, and the Devon Kingsley I knew came back.

“Do you want to wait inside, or would you like to stay out here and melt in the hot Virginia sun?”

He laughed and stepped forward, momentarily invading my space. My skin warmed and tingled at his closeness, and though I knew it was dangerous, I stood my ground. Only an inch separated us, but I refused to take a step back, my feet planted firmly in place. The corner of his mouth hitched up higher.

“I’d prefer to enjoy your company inside,” he began with a tilt of his head, motioning behind me, “without the extra side of swamp ass filling my jeans.” I couldn’t help it. I snorted. It was so unladylike and unflattering, but there was no stopping it. We both burst into laughter, the tension between us evaporating instantly. I stepped aside and let him in, shutting the door behind us.

“Have a seat,” I instructed, heading for the kitchen. “I’m going to start on dinner.” Turning from him, I bent to retrieve a pot from one of the lower cabinets.

“That won’t be necessary,” he said, and my hand stilled. Straightening, I faced him again, giving him a questioning look. “There’s a big game on tonight, and I thought we could order a pizza,” he offered, almost sheepishly. “My treat,” he added with a lopsided grin.

I closed the cabinet and leaned against the counter, trying to tamp down my excitement. My mouth watered at the prospect of gooey, melty cheese, tangy banana peppers, salty green olives, and spicy sausage. That was my new favorite combination—or should I say my baby’s favorite combo since he seemed to have control of my taste buds these days. I remained silent, and his face filled with uncertainty again.

“I have to go back on Monday. I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you guys again…” He paused. “Any of you,” he elaborated, and I understood his meaning. He was torn. He loved his cousin, but Drake wasn’t the only reason he kept showing up. Plus, by the time he got back, we’d already be a family of three.

“Pizza sounds great,” I replied thankfully. He nearly hid his cringe when I listed my preferred toppings, and I stifled a giggle. If he was anything like Drake, plain old cheese and pepperoni did it for him. My elation evaporated at the comparison. I shouldn’t have been comparing Devon and Drake. I was taken, and I needed to remember that.

But the way Devon made me feel… It was like nothing I’d experienced before, not even in the beginning with Drake. I felt treasured, adored,valued.

He pulled out his phone and started typing away as I gathered the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies. It became obvious to me over the last couple years that I stress baked. I didn’t stress eat. On the contrary. I usually lost my appetite, but for some reason I found baking relaxing. And Devon Kingsley had me stressed. His mere presence sent adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream. My breath hitched, and my pulse raced whenever he was near. The closer he got, the faster my heart fluttered, and my lungs demanded air. Like now, I knew he was drawing near just by the way my body reacted, my instincts going into overdrive. His warmth enveloped me from behind. My hands shook as I poured the sugar into a measuring cup, a little of the white granules spilling onto the countertop.

“Can I help?” His hot breath fanned across the back of my neck, and I shivered, my eyes drifting closed at the low, deep timbre. His voice warmed me, the gruff rumble sending a vibration straight to my center. I wanted so badly to lean into him, to let my body meld with his, my back to his front. His strong arms would wrap around me, protecting me, cherishing me. But that couldn’t happen. Drake was due home soon, and if he suspected anything at all, I feared for the safety of all parties involved.

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