Page 90 of Season of Gifts

“I can do that.”But Jay clung more tightly, tucking his face against Henry’s neck.“It’s so good to see you.I’m sorry we didn’t come up sooner.It must’ve been hard taking care of your mom all alone, being the only one who really understood.”

The smudged green eye of a haunted child flashed before him.No one had understood.The baby monitor—where was Mother’s breathing?He pushed off, freeing himself from Jay’s embrace, and the sound returned.Smothered at their hips, that was all.Still regular and steady.

“Yes, it’s—” He pressed his hands together to hide his own trembling.A far cry from their poised dominant he was.They could tell, surely.Jay furrowed his brows, a hint of confusion rising in sweet brown eyes.Alice kept her distance, studying their interaction with a sharp-edged engineer’s logic.She would have questions, and he had no answers he cared to give.“It’s good that you’re here.You’ve saved me quite the trip tomorrow.But it’s late, and no doubt you are both tired after the day you’ve had.Alice, awake before sunrise no less.Let’s get you settled in.”

Alice smoothed her hand down Jay’s arm, rubbing lightly, and squeezed his hand.“Will you start with the duffel bags, sweetheart?I’ll join you in a minute.It feels good to stretch our legs.I didn’t expect we’d be in the car so long.”

Jay kissed her cheek.“I can manage.I know you’re still tired.”Nudging their wife toward Henry, he unsubtlyahemed.“Somebody didn’t nap in the car like they were supposed to.”He dashed back into the night, tugging the door nearly shut behind him.

His spouses appeared fine, their behavior no more unusual than he might expect in these odd circumstances.Will was clearly wrong about there being any problem.He or Em had overreacted, that was all.Alice carried a weariness, but she’d done a great deal of traveling today.This wasn’t the night any of them had asked for.“The traffic must have been quite a vexation.”

Alice stared at him.Her lips twitched with a frown, the tug at one corner she couldn’t hide when a bothersome thought bedeviled her.“We have a lot to talk about.Is there time for that tonight?”

“We have much to recount from our days apart, don’t we?”His smile stretched with uncomfortable falsity.Who was this man pretending to be himself?Not the Henry his spouses loved and deserved; that man lay unreachably deep inside him, and a flicker of anger scraped along his nerves at the idea that he should be summoned forth to take care of Alice and Jay’s needs.Managing Mother’s care taxed his capabilities to their limit.“I’m certain Mother would love to hear about your trip and Jay’s adventures around town.Over breakfast?We have an open schedule tomorrow.”

“Those things too, sure.”Alice sighed with a heaviness not unlike his own.“But I meant—”

The door whisked open, and Jay appeared with a bag slung over each shoulder and another in one hand.“I’ll grab the gift bags next, and that’ll be everything.One sec.”

The bags dangled precariously over the tile floor, seconds away from causing a clatter.“Quietly—”

“Thank you, sweetheart.”Alice pried the bag from Jay’s hand and laid it gently aside.She gestured to him for the next, and the third, both given over in silence.“Excellent work”—she kissed his cheek—“and much appreciated.Lock the car without the horn, okay?”

Jay flashed a thumbs-up on his way back out the door.

Those words, those actions ought to have been his.Praise and reassurance.Why couldn’t he connect the pieces?He’d known for hours that Alice and Jay would be arriving, and in all that time he hadn’t found himself for them.Alice would manage Jay’s expectations.The security he needed, she could provide.

Certainly.Abandon Jay to Alice, allow her to take up the task of running things—reignite both of his spouses’ traumas in a single gesture.What masterful plans he concocted.His own recurring loop would devastate his marriage, yet he couldn’t will himself out of it.Wanting to wasn’t enough; logic wasn’t enough; he’d held out hope that seeing his spouses would be the catalyst he required.But even their presence, their reminder of his adult responsibilities, hadn’t shaken off the terrified seven-year-old clinging to his mother and begging her to wake up.

A sharp spike of pain invaded his skull.He’d never been one for migraines.Normally, Alice and Jay’s needs would calm his nervous system, not elevate it.Helping them walk through their struggles brought joy and satisfaction.But in this house, with Mother so ill, he confronted his own fears—and hecould notdo so in front of Alice and Jay.He had been an absent dominant for two weeks.Not merely absent in body but in mind as well.He’d kept no schedule for them, set no time aside in his days to address their emotional upheaval.And now, with Alice watching him intently, having offered neither hug nor kiss of greeting of her own, he had no such attention to give.He measured his moments in Mother’s breaths.

At her side, Alice smoothed her fingertips across her thumb.“Is there anything we can do to make this easier for you?I know, I know”—her knotted frown transformed into a wry smile—“not make you come up with something on the spot.But just right now.What do you need?”

Time alone.

He staggered back, catching himself on the wall and thankfully not knocking anything askew.

“Henry?”Alice darted forward, her hand landing on his arm, her fingers slim and searching.“Are you all right?”

“Fine.”His voice emerged hoarse.That word never had gone down smooth.“A glass of water will set me to rights.”

“I’ll get—”

“No need, we’ve a pitcher and glasses in the bedroom.”The sooner the luggage and his spouses were tucked away, the sooner he could sit with his thoughts.He would need a new plan.A numb sense of duty lay between him and his love for Alice and Jay.That could not stand.“Will you help me carry these upstairs?”

He grasped two bags himself, hoisting them as Jay joined them with the rest of their things.Alice flipped the lock shut and picked up the final bag.“Upstairs would be great.”

They traveled in silence, in single file, the hallway longer than he could ever recall—no, perhaps not longer than traversing it with Mother as her oxygen cannister rolled along beside them.Now she lacked even that surety.Ridiculous.The cardiac care team merely masqueraded as medical experts.Have caffeine in your tea, they said.That won’t hurt.Go without supplemental oxygen, they proclaimed.You won’t stop breathing in the night, gasping for the strength to inflate your lungs.

The bags settled on the long chest at the foot of the bed.Morning would be soon enough for Alice and Jay to unpack and make use of the closet.Mindful of his words to Alice, Henry poured himself a glass of water and took a long drink as Jay piled the gift bags near the window.

More than half an hour had passed since he’d left Mother’s room.“You should have everything you need at hand.If you’ll excuse me, I need to check on Mother.”

Alice nodded, the shadows under her eyes deeper in the low bedside light.“We’ll get started on brushing teeth and digging out pajamas.”

She rested a hand on the turned-down sheets.The pale blue set.They’d made love on these sheets once in the pre-dawn hours, waiting for word from Jay.No emotion attached to the memory, no spark of arousal such things often carried.He needed to leave the bedroom before he worried Alice and Jay with his behavior more than he already had.

“Sleep well.”He returned the glass to the tray.

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