Page 76 of Season of Gifts

She had eyes, too.He’d gotten so much worse.When he turned back to the microwave, she leaned into Mom, lips barely moving.“Is it always like this now?”

“No, honey, no.He just gets these little moods sometimes.”Mom rubbed her back like she was eight and home sick from school with a chest cold.“It’s fine, he’ll settle down soon.”

She’d been away too long to know if Mom was lying.Placating and denying were the biggest tools in her toolbox.She’d lost all credibility years ago.

Alice bit her tongue on anotherI’m sorry.She didn’t owe Dad any apologies, and she shouldn’t have to apologize for his behavior either.If they were balancing equations, he owed her a shit-ton, but she’d have better luck waiting for a meteor to strike the ground she stood on than waiting on an apology from him.“I was doing some work in Sioux Falls, Dad.Heading back to Boston in the morning.I just wanted to visit, that’s all.”

The microwave celebrated itself with five blaring beeps.Mom rushed over and retrieved Dad’s plate.“How about dinner at the table tonight, honey?You can visit with Alice while I get dressed for work.”

Dad snorted.“Pointless.”He fetched a drink, grumbling as Mom set his plate down and Alice slid her box of ornaments to the far side.“Your mom won’t eat until she goes into work.Hardly have dinner with someone if they aren’t here.You eating, Allie?”

He swung the cane and knocked another chair back.Her coat slipped off one corner.“Sit.Tell me what it’s like to be smart and rich and not in pain every damn day.”

Her stomach turned over and flooded, like a car that wouldn’t start.Coming here had been a mistake.“Don’t do this, Dad.I didn’t—”

His hand slammed down on the table.“You don’t come in my house and tell me what to do.You think I’m not in charge of my own house?”

“I don’t think that, Dad.”But she did.Watching her mom clean up spilled pop from the turned-over soda can before it made a sticky mess, maybe she wouldn’t have thought it until this year.Until she’d seen and felt the difference between dominance and bullying, between submission and people-pleasing.

Dad knew he wasn’t in charge, no matter how much Mom pretended he was, and it ate at him sure as rust was hollowing out the old truck in the driveway.Maybe Mom missed the days when Dad was the provider and the rock for their family.But trying to recapture those days only made him irritable.Acting like a jackass because her deferring to him felt like a pity fuck.

“Leave it.”Dad wrenched the plate from Mom’s grip as she ran the dishrag underneath it.“Gotta get ready for work, don’t ya?”

“Well, I can…” Mom glanced from Dad to her and back again, her friendly waitress smile firmly in place.“I have a few minutes.Allie, why don’t I make you a plate?”

Here was her mom, carefully trying not to usurp her dad’s place, and here was her dad, bitter because he thought it already taken from him.You’re fucking it up, Dad.Jesus.

“You don’t have to do that, Mom, thanks.”She dug for a white lie to make it easier.Turning down service, even gently, could rattle a people-pleaser.Another thing she’d learned this year.“There’s a dinner in Sioux Falls tonight with the company bigwigs.”

Not entirely a lie.She just wasn’t attending.

“Oh, oh, of course!”Mom dropped the dishrag in the sink and swept Alice into a hug.“Can’t neglect your work.We’re so proud of you, honey.You and your sister both, you’re doing—”

“By all that’s holy, Lori, stop showering that girl with praise.What’d she do to earn it?Run off at eighteen—”

“You wanna know what I think, Dad?”Alice carefully pulled free of Mom’s embrace.Not one more time would she listen to that rant.“I’ll tell you.”

Meek Alice frantically rattled her rib cage.Bones splintered and bled.But Henry’s speech to incoming dominants rang in her ears.The health and safety of your subs is your first priority.Once you’ve accepted their service, you must tend to their needs.To do otherwise is a betrayal of the trust between you.Maybe the vows at Mom and Dad’s wedding had been different, but love, honor, and cherish had sure as fuck been in there somewhere.

“I think you’re lousy at being in charge, that’s what I think.”She crushed her hands around the back of the chair, leaning forward, looming toward him.“Mom pays the price for that.Do you even think about that at all anymore?She’s still here, Dad.”

“I won’t be talked—”

“She’s sitting here every goddamned night, listening to your self-pity and stubborn pride for sixteen years.Sixteen!”Disjointed and broken, all the bones in her body, jabbing her with shards so sharp they’d leave her a bloody mess.She choked on something rising—a laugh, a sob, they were all the same.“You were a good man before the accident.A good father.”A thousand memories in this kitchen, and the bad ones crowded so thick the weight of them compressed the rest into thin wafers she could barely touch most days.“I wish you could find that man in yourself again.”

Mom sobbed, her hands cupped around her nose and mouth, her pale brown eyes a streaming marsh in flood season.

Alice jammed her hand into her front pocket.Where—there.Her fingers closed around the promise Henry and Jay had given her.She shoved the ring back in its rightful place on her hand.“I got married.That’s what I wanted to tell you.It’s a good marriage.I’m happy.And I want that for you.I want it for you so much that it hurts not to see it.That’s why I don’t visit.Please try, Daddy.Please.Don’t you see how much you’re hurting her?”

Face blazing red, he pushed to his feet, steadying himself with the cane.“I see how muchyou’rehurting her.Don’t you come back here, Allie-girl.No daughter of mine would behave like this.”

“Then I guess I don’t have a father.”Fingers numb, she lifted her coat and slipped into it.Picked up the favorite ornaments of her childhood and tucked them under her arm as the blank chill spread to her chest.

Mom’s crying was the only sound over the rumble of the TV from the living room.

“I love you, Mom.If you need anything, call me.”

The storm door clattered shut behind her as she left.

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