Page 69 of Season of Gifts

In five years, Henry had never been distracted like this.Never left him wondering.What if Henry wasn’t talking more because something really wrong was happening with his mom?Peggy hadn’t told him about Mom’s dementia because she didn’t want to worry him—no, no, that was the old pattern.She hadn’t told him because controlling who knew let her manipulate him when it helped her best.Henry wasn’t like that.But if he needed help, he would ask for it.Henry had great communication skills.

“Sort of.They have so much heavy stuff going on.They don’t have time for extras.”

“Is your health and safety an extra?”

“No, I mean, I know I matter.”But for emergencies.Not because he’d stubbed his toe against a date on the calendar.“It’s just like I said, Alice is working, and Henry’s mom is sick, and Alice knows what that’s like because of her dad, and she says it’s best to stay out of the way and let Henry focus.”

Pretzeling himself back in the seat, legs crossed, elbows still on his knees, Danny propped his chin on his knuckles.“I don’t think I’ve heard about Alice’s dad.Tell me a little about how that relates?”

He rattled off everything he knew, about the work accident and the pain pills and Alice being a superstar big sister.“She was thirteen, I guess, so she’s had years of experience with this kinda thing.”

Years.The crystal ball dropped heavy into his other hand, and he let his palm dip and bounce with the weight.Maybe that was the thing Henry knew and Alice feared, and he was the only one who hadn’t figured it out yet.Their new house together, their jobs and friends and lives—Henry didn’t want to tell them he’d be staying in Maine permanently, and Alice and Jay would have to go too or lose him.His feet stuck to the rug, but his heart kept traveling, beating way out in front of him, farther than he could reach.

“Will you go with me on a hypothetical, Jay?Let’s just imagine for a minute.”

“Sure.Yeah.Yes.”Whatever Danny was imagining had to be better than what his head had cooked up.“Hypo-theta-hit me.”

“Is it possible that Alice is operating on some outdated messages?”

“What?”His fingers twitched toward the zipper on his phone pocket.“What messages?”

“This idea about staying out of the way—not being a burden, maybe?”Tilting his head, Danny lifted his eyebrows and waited.

Jay offered a shruggy-nod.Alice hadn’t called him a burden, but that was how it felt, like Henry didn’t want him in Maine because he’d be more trouble than he was worth.

Danny nodded back.“Does that maybe sound like she’s reacting the way a very capable but overwhelmed child would, rather than as an independent adult partner?”

“She wouldn’t—” Alice was smart.Smarter than him.Alice was a problem-solver.Alice had fixed it so he could visit Kevin without being a pain in the butt little brother.“She’s not—”

Alice sometimes ran away when emotions got too big to handle.He’d seen her do it.And Ollie had told him how Alice used to microwave dinner and bring it down to the basement rec room so Ollie wouldn’t have to be around their dad when the yelling started.

“It can be difficult thinking that our dominants don’t have all the right answers.It hurts here”—Danny patted his head—“because it doesn’t make sense.And it hurts here”—he pressed a fist to his chest—“because we want to follow and obey.But I know you can question those instincts, Jay, because you’ve told me how you’ve done it before.You’ve pushed back on your dominants and saved your relationship.”

“Yeah, but that—” Hell, that week had been life or death: Henry and Alice not talking, and their whole future together crumbling like dried-out dirt.And that was before he’d made the spectacularly bad decision to shove them all into a weekend with his family and watch them get thrown out without even fighting for them.Not every disobedience worked out great.“This is just me not getting a text for a silly anniversary.It’s not even a real anniversary.It’s just a month.”

The more he said the words, the less he believed them.A month meant something.It was worth celebrating.

“It doesn’t sound ‘just,’ Jay.It sounds like an accomplishment you’re proud of, and you have every right to be.Didn’t you say Henry acknowledged that in a letter yesterday?A gift of some sort?”

His heart slammed back into his chest.He slipped around the side table and into his seat, suddenly as exhausted as if he’d hit a wall and run out of snack fuel on a ride.

“He did, yeah.”They hadn’t gotten their special night together, but Henry hadn’t ignored it.He’d planned for it.He’d set up the gifts so Jay would get his collar and cuffs, and Alice would get her whatever the day before, and he’d wanted them to enjoy the gifts on the anniversary.Maybe he’d forgotten the date yesterday, but he’d been thinking of it weeks ago to set everything up.Ordering custom pieces.Creating all the sketches, all the notes, all the scavenger hunt clues.“I hadn’t thought of it that way.”

He clamped his fist to his chest, wishing the paperweight was the smooth metal of the central ring on his harness.“I should’ve messaged first.So they’d know I was thinking of them.”

“Shouldis a harsh word.But I think you’re right that your intervention may be more welcome than you believed.They aren’t entirely different from you, Jay.A message from you could provide a bright spot and a sense of normalcy and connection for all of you during these difficult days.”

Smoothing his hands down his jeans, Danny plucked a thread from a hole at the knee.He rolled it between finger and thumb, the same slow circle again and again, and Jay’s heartbeat settled.“Instead of ruminating onshould, let’s look ahead to the next opportunity.I’d like you to try reaching out this evening.Dare to be the first.Let’s think about seeking connection, not silence, as the default way to deal with hurt, fear, uncertainty—all those emotions that get stuck in the spokes and keep us going round and round.”

A homework assignment.Henry and Alice had done some damn good domming, helping him find this guy for therapy.Jay just needed to do some damn good subbing to help them all remember who they were.“I can do that.”

He picked up dinner on the way home from therapy, a big grain bowl with carbs and protein and even a heaping scoop of veggies Henry would approve of.Gave it a quick reheat after his shower.Spoon on one side of his place setting, phone on the other.

The card from today’s envelope looked mouth-wateringly yummy, but he didn’t have the know-how to make caramel apples and popcorn balls by himself, and he didn’t have anyone to eat them with or make a fun mess with.They were supposed to be making them to take to Maine for Christmas.

Spooning up dinner, he thumbed through his phone in his other hand.Nothing from Henry or Alice yet since this morning, but it was only a little after seven, and an hour earlier for Alice.

He could start with a straight-upI miss you.But that felt needy and grasping, like throwing his emotions in their faces so they would drop everything and reassure him.He needed an in, like a promo deal for a new client.

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