Page 43 of Season of Gifts

At the bottom of the stairs, Alice waited with crossed arms atop the newel post.She turned from his gaze, a series of far more rapid blinks matching her minuscule nods.

“Down?”The bag landed heavily on Jay’s shoulder, and he sagged before righting himself.He swallowed hard.“Out to the car?”

“I’ve a few minutes yet.”The cheer in his voice came out brittle as peppermint bark.“Tell me what I’ve missed.”An enormous quantity of shopping bags carpeted the entryway.Not one appeared to be groceries.“I see you’ve had a successful excursion.”

“For the kids.”Jay clamped their hands together as he reversed course down the stairs.“Me and Peggy not speaking doesn’t mean my nieces and nephews shouldn’t get their gifts from Uncle Jay this year.Your card this morning said spreading holiday cheer, and Alice asked if I’d gone shopping yet, and I…” Shrugging, Jay shook his head.“I forgot.”

“You’ve had an unprecedented amount of upheaval in recent weeks.”He smoothed his thumb across the back of Jay’s hand, memorizing the texture of his skin, each ridge of tendon and knuckle.“It’s not unreasonable to expect something might have been missed.”If only he could absolve himself so easily.“You’ll ship them Monday?”

“Oh, no, I’ll take ’em to lunch tomorrow.Gotta get everything wrapped tonight.”Jay’s heel skidded on the final step; he caught himself with a crow hop.“I mean, unless you want us to go up with you tonight.I can cancel lunch.”

Alice watched Henry with too-sharp eyes.The tight corners of her mouth proved she knew his words before he spoke them.

“I wish I could take you with me, Jay.It’s simply not the right time yet.”Calm and quiet, life moving at a slower pace, that was what the doctor had suggested.He couldn’t risk Jay’s enthusiasm overwhelming Mother.Mediating that peace would exhaust him, and he was already so very tired.Alice had a full week of work before her holiday vacation began; she couldn’t accompany him to assist, and asking would unfairly burden her as well.“Mother needs a good deal of rest, and she’ll be beginning a rehabilitation program Monday.Much as I would love to have you with me, I must focus on managing her care.”

“But she’s okay, right?”Jay rocked side to side, his sneakers thudding on the tile with metronomic exactitude.“You said they let her come home.I bet the house isn’t even decorated yet.I could take care of the plants, and put up all the lights, and—”

“I love you for offering.”Pressing his free hand to Jay’s cheek, he spread his fingers and rubbed his temple.“I appreciate the many things you wish to do.”Jay’s dark eyes tempted him to stay, to set aside other responsibilities and claim what sliver of serenity he could.“Mother is doing well, and she’ll be stronger in time.”But not if he failed to pay attention.All of his loved ones needed his keen mind functioning at its full capacity.“Who are you having lunch with?”

“Kevin.”Jay rocked to a stop and leaned into Henry’s hold.“He’s gonna make room in his car to take my gifts up to the farm.”

“That’s wonderful, Jay.”He combed back Jay’s hair, a ritual for them both, a smooth stroke on a clean canvas.“You and your brother are developing a lovely friendship.”

Head dipping, Jay smiled.“Alice thought of it.It’s been ages since I’ve been to his house, and she’s never been.”

A fresh gash opened in the canvas.The strike scored Henry’s chest, a flare of throbbing warning at a distance.“You’re meeting for lunch at his home?”

“Yup, the whole family, him and his wife and my nephews.”

The wife who listened too much to Jay’s odious eldest sister, by her husband’s own admission.Alice had thought this a fine idea?Exposing their beloved Jay to possible condemnation and verbal abuse in the midst of all the other—

“Henry, are your keys in your coat pocket?”Alice stared straight at him, her voice too clipped forwelcome home.“Maybe you want Jay to take the bag out for you, and you and I can fill you a water bottle.We don’t want to hold you up.”Her mouth softened; a tiny twitch pulled at her cheek.“Are you running against a nursing shift clock?”

“A generous family friend whose kindness I don’t wish to abuse.”How quickly wariness settled in his skin.He ought to have been prepared for Alice’s distance; what she’d witnessed in childhood would have laid templates in her mind, patterns easily returned to in times of stress.“Keys in the pocket, yes, thank you, Alice.”

Jay reluctantly released his hand, tangling their fingers in several configurations before allowing the hold to break.“Sure, I’m on it.Be right back.”

The house grew hollow again.Or perhaps his heart did, marking another loss, shaving off thin slices until the remnants wouldn’t sustain him.“You believe this luncheon a wise decision?”

Alice ferried shopping bags into the living room.“He needs—weneed—to be doing something useful.I know things are difficult right now.I know that.”The bags dropped to the coffee table as he followed her.Curling her arms around herself, she stepped away from him.Last week standing in the same spot she’d begged him to be closer, deeper.“But you’re a better communicator than this, Henry.Please don’t shut us out.Your mother loves Jay.He would be so careful with her; you know he would.Don’t assume you have to do everything yourself.”

Everything himself?He’d left his mother in Lina’s care for a full day in the hopes of a few short hours with his loves.Prioritized their needs, their wants, over her health.“Shutting people out and insisting upon operating independently sounds much more indicative of someone else’s behavior.”

“And you spent the last year teaching me to do better.So learn from your own advice.”She slammed her hand against the mantel.“Fuck.”

The front door opened and shut.“Bag’s in the—” Jay stepped toward the living room and curved gracefully back into the hall.“I’ll get you a snack for the car.”

The interruption pierced the hostility bristling in him, revealed the tension in his hands, the tightness in his chest.What was wrong with him?He hadn’t intended to respond combatively.His anger was for himself, for his poor planning, for the foggy mind he hadn’t the time to coddle.He dropped his voice to a quiet plea.“Alice—”

“This isn’t us.”She held her hands in prayer, narrow edge at her nose, thumbs at her lips, her eyes closing.“I know this road, and I don’t want this to be us.”Flattening her hands against her face, she scrubbed her eyes.“Can we start over?Do you have time for that?”

He wrapped her in his arms, his breaths shuddering with hers.She swept her arms around his neck, clinging violently, as if she might embed herself in him and thus keep him here.

The ice had grown quite thin beneath them.One week, and he’d missed the signs of Alice’s anger and Jay’s hunger for connection.Spending a night in his own bed would benefit all three of them.If he only could.

His phone buzzed from the hall; that would be Lina’s hourly update.

“I have time for this.”He returned Alice’s ferocity, digging his hands into her back.“Just this, sweet girl.I’m sorry.”A proper impact play session could have helped both of them work through such complicated emotions.And he’d squandered the opportunity.He could not afford to make those mistakes.“I will, in fact, do better.”

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