Page 186 of Season of Gifts

“In the pantry?”Jay gamely ducked inside, flipping on the light as he went.

“The humidity in the bathroom is too variable for long-term storage, and I hadn’t a sense of when we might need them.”They had agreed not to micromanage the process, but some small amount of planning hardly constituted zealotry.To be fair, he’d had an inkling last week when her cycle hadn’t arrived, though it was only the third month since they’d stopped birth control, and some hormonal rebalancing wasn’t unheard of.“Will you fetch a tray and a package of soda crackers as well?I’ll boil water for tea.”

“She might not want anything.”Packaging rustled; Jay must have found the bag from the pharmacy.“You should’ve seen theyuckface she made when I offered orange juice.”

“We shall see.”The patter of the water filling the electric kettle offered a soothing focus.Elation made him lightheaded, rushed them both faster than wisdom would suggest.Steadiness would serve them well, temper the excitement romping through his veins.“Bland food may be more palatable, and small meals every hour or two may prevent the empty stomach that amplifies nausea.”

“Is that, like, common dom knowledge?”Jay, backing out of the pantry with his hands full, nudged the light off with his elbow and shut the door with his foot.“Or have you been doing extra credit pre-dad work?”

“I may have been doing a bit of advance reading.”Of course he had; a man couldn’t change his identity entire merely because they’d agreed not to invest in colorful gel pens and a fertility tracking journal.He plucked a ginger tea sachet from the basket on the counter and hung it over the side of Alice’s favorite mug.Jay had gifted them each the custom design at Christmas, a smattering of gears and paintbrushes surrounding the text:Magic happens where engineering and artistry meet.“No different than you encouraging Em to invite that massage therapist to lead a class at the club last fall, hmm?”

Jay slid a small serving tray onto the kitchen island.Two pregnancy test kits and four sleeves of plain crackers nearly filled the space.“Maaaybe.I might’ve been thinking ahead on that one.But it’s been good so far, right?”

“Youhave been a spectacular practitioner, and Alice and I have both benefitted mightily from your handling.”He opened his arms, and Jay surged into his embrace.Fierce kneading mashed Henry’s casual linen shirt into his back.Bubbles rose in the clear kettle, detaching from the bottom one by one.“Is there a fear you wish to name, dearest?”

“Not fear.But a thought that won’t quit circling.”Jay trembled head to toe, fitting himself tightly against Henry, smelling of sleepy earth waking from its winter nap.Arms roped up Henry’s back like suspenders, Jay clenched his fingers deep in Henry’s shoulders, vibrating them both.“Just—what if this is it?Really it?”

Henry’s heart leapt in response, approaching the galloping thuds from Jay’s chest pressed to his.A smile took control of his face, an outlet for the growing heat within.He might’ve tucked the sun beneath his ribs to cause such a conflagration.“What if we have a child on the way?”

Jay nodded, his face buried beside Henry’s ear.“We talked about it for months, and I know we’re ready, but are we ready-ready?Have we done enough?Kids deserve—they deserve—”

“They deserve you, my love.”

Shuddering, Jay clutched him with greater force and drew back to arm’s length.Henry traced the line of his jaw, bristly with morning stubble.He finger-combed back the strands of hair sliding across Jay’s soulful eyes.Clasping Jay’s cheeks in both hands, he shook his husband gently.

“Our child deserves a parent with compassion and wonder, with a boundless curiosity to help them explore the world, with the protective instincts to shield them from the harshness you learned far too soon.”He held no doubts, not one, that Jay would approach fatherhood with the open heart he brought to every relationship.His own heart might be more hidden, but he grew capable of greater expression day by day.Reading more of Father’s journals and comparing the inner man to the blank outer canvas he’d presented to his children had hastened Henry’s desire to avoid the same fate.His child would not find him cold and impenetrable.“We will nurture this child with all the love we yearned for and lacked.We will comfort and teach them from the wisdom of our experience.We will cherish their individuality in mind, heart, and body, and encourage them to pursue the dreams that make them tremble as we tremble now, awaiting their arrival in our lives.”

Bit by bit, Jay matched Henry’s slow, steady breathing.He waved his hands up and down along his chest.“That helps.A lot.Can we write that down and stick it on the mirror or something?Things are going like a popcorn popper in here, one thought exploding after another.”

“For me as well.”The admission came more readily to his tongue than it would have a year or two ago.

Jay stepped in close and clasped his hand, pressing Henry’s knuckles against his strong thigh as they watched the kettle do its work.“That helps more.”

Bubbles of all sizes launched themselves furiously at the water’s surface.The kettle clicked off automatically, and Henry poured the water over the tea.Golden green bloomed and spread, growing to fill the mug.Equilibrium, Alice would say.They had done the same, three souls mixing and coloring each other’s thoughts and feelings until they reached a state of balance.A place with the capacity for more.

Shoring him up with the sturdiest of shoulders, Jay spooned a dollop of honey into the tea and stirred.“Now I know how you and Alice feel all the time, wanting the answers to everything.”

Henry rearranged the tray, adding the mug alongside a lesser hoard of crackers and a single pregnancy test, and pushed the bamboo edge toward Jay with his fingertips.“Shall we start with one very important answer?”

Jay

Toting the serving tray with both hands, Jay followed Henry into the bedroom.Alice rested against the pillows he’d piled up for her.She’d dragged the sheet across her legs.Did she seem more Mom-ish?Wiser?Serene?

She thrust astophand out in front of herself but let it fall.“I don’t know yet if I’m contagious, so you should both probably stay back just in case.”

Henry plucked the pregnancy test from the tray and showed it off between two fingers.“I doubt Jay and I are in any danger of catching this bug, for all that we helped cause it.”

Weeks ago.Jay’s birthday celebration?Or their weekend at the cabin, that time on the deck with the sun-warmed picnic blanket below them as the night shift unrolled an ocean of stars above them.Could’ve been any old night, though, or any long weekend morning, or the exciting weekdays when Alice woke him with whispers of how she’d reward him for joining her shower.

Alice, nodding, stroked her stomach in slow circles.“I was wondering.But so fast, you know?”

The heart-pounding uncertainty swung in Jay’s chest, too, an old-timey clock pendulum ticking off the space betweenthis is the best thing we’ve ever doneandwhat if we fuck it up.They’d worked so hard to be ready.Henry and Alice had only lately tapered off their therapy stuff.Jay met with Danny every two weeks.They spent a weekend at Mom’s in Maine every couple of months, and Henry’s brother and his family came to those Sunday suppers.Alice and Ollie and their mom kept each other steady and confident while her dad made his third run at detoxing.Ninety-three days so far—might stick this time.And okay, Jay wasn’t speaking to Peggy or Mom or Dad, but holding that line made his head a healthier place.His relationships with Nat and Kevin had never been stronger.That he’d been able to return the favor and stand up for Nat—

“Second thoughts, sweet girl?”Henry sat on the bed beside Alice and squeezed her through the sheet.“A bit of cold feet?”

Pedaling her feet in place against the mattress, Alice bared her teeth in a fierce grin.The mama bear thing would come real naturally to her.

“Not that.I just want to get this right.”She slumped boneless to the pillow and puffed hair off her cheek.Gazing past Henry at Jay, she grew the wry twist in her lips that made him want to kiss away doubt every time.“I hear that old-me voice insisting on being perfect so nothing bad can ever touch our kid.”

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