Page 150 of Season of Gifts

Closing her eyes, she settled into herself and tried to retrace her steps.Friday, when she’d taken Jay into the shower.The week before, when she’d written her claims on his skin.“Calm.Excited.Like my mind is breaking the sound barrier but still in control, hurtling us on the trajectory I’ve picked and hoping my calculations were right.”

She’d have to tell Jay when they opened his physics kit and started setting up the experiment.See how we choose the slope, and that affects the speed and direction?That’s me domming you, stud.All the planning and the hypotheses, and then—she’d drop the barrier holding the steel ball at the top of the chute—we let go.“I’m not thinking about being an imposter then.I’m just doing.”

Wisdom Jay had given her more than once.He lived best in the moment, when he wasn’t tangled in anxiety and doubt.When he was subbing, he let go.But domming, that was about holding tight.Taking control of every variable.Wasn’t it?

“You are far from an imposter, sweet girl.”Henry swept his arms around her and cradled her to his chest.He smelled of himself, musky male beneath leather and citrus, and her cheek rested against his soft sweater.“It seems to me your confidence is precisely where it ought to be.Skills mastery will bring you confidence, but not, I think, in the way you believe.”

He stroked her back in lazy, unhurried passes.If she rested here forever, he would never tire.No—he gave the impression that he would never tire.But he was a man, not an omniscient god, no matter how much her subby self kept casting him in that role.“Faulty hypothesis?”

“Amended, let’s say.”He pressed his lips against the top of her head; the heat of his breath warmed her.“You have the knowledge of your skills and the tools available to you.That is something that training, time, and repetition brings.When I swing a flogger for you or Jay, I am confident in my ability to control it.”

He should be; he need only say the wordfloggerand the two of them would be at his feet.

“I would not be so confident executing a rope suspension, as my knowledge and skills are not nearly so extensive as Will’s.Your confidence will grow so far as your appetite for knowledge and practice takes you.”

That was fair.But training took time, and she needed the confidence now.Wanted the confidence now.“I want to know everything.”

“Of course you do.”He chuckled, and she joined him.On some measures, she wasn’t too hard to read, even to herself.“But mastery is not limited to skills knowledge.”

Other dimensions she hadn’t considered were holding her back?But she could escape the horrible prickling doubt of uncertainty.She could have Henry’s confidence.His control, his precision, his timing.“Give me a direction?”

“You also have the knowledge of your partner.Familiarity will help you read signals that were once opaque.Experience will enhance your confidence with each subsequent scene.”He spoke directly beside her ear, his rumbling baritone shutting out the rest of the world.“The more often you guide Jay, the more your sense of leadership and his trust in you will grow.But a bad day, mood swings, illness, injury—any number of disruptors, truthfully—may feel like a setback, prompting a loss of confidence.”

Well that wasn’t reassuring.She couldn’t promise to be perfect, to reach the endpoint where she’d never make a mistake or misunderstand or—

She wriggled loose and wrapped her arms around Henry, offering him the comfort he’d been giving her.“I’m sorry.”

“Alice?”He accepted her embrace, but his voice fluttered with curiosity.

“Getting things right every single time is a massive amount of pressure.”Here she was, talking endlessly about her feelings of inadequacy while her husband wrestled silently with his own.He hadn’t foreseen every blip in the plan since coming up to Maine.He felt wretched about the hurt Jay had been through and the role she hadn’t felt ready for.His confidence must have slipped.His tenderness last night wasn’t just to meet Jay’s needs.It hadn’t been only the moonlight or the reverence for the holiday.Henryhad needed soothing.A simple, undemanding way to reconnect.Maybe to find his confidence again.“Is that why you looked uncomfortable when I said you were you again?Because it feels like pressure?”

“I am…” He settled his shoulders, tension sliding away beneath her restless hands.“Cognizant of the weight of expectations—yours and Jay’s, yes, but also my own.In recent weeks, I have made a less than spectacular showing as a dominant for you both.I hoarded my fears; I was inconstant in my communication; I did not convey the strain I was feeling.”His sigh held a gruff edge.“All of those things precipitated the very hurts I meant to avert.I would not fault you for losing confidence in me.I had hoped to be a better husband than I’ve been thus far.”

His quiet confession stopped her breath.Swallowing slowly, holding him close, she lined up the words before she let them out.“It’s a good thing we have a whole lifetime to practice being better spouses to each other, huh?”She laid a gentle kiss on his cheek.“Except Jay, of course.He’s already perfect.”

Henry twitched against her as he snorted his amusement.“Your skills warrant more confidence than you feel.Dominants can experience a post-play drop as easily as submissives.Yours may have been particularly impactful because you weren’t expecting it and we have yet to discuss an aftercare routine for your dominant side.But we shall endeavor to address that before the need arises again.”

“I get it now,” she whispered, alive with the intimacy of sharing ideas, of making breakthroughs together.“There is no graduation.Dominance is lifelong continuing education, and confidence is a moving target from one day to the next.”

“A moving target, hmm?”Henry scooped her sideways into his lap and rested his back against the little couch.“You may be confident you have found the answer you’ve been seeking.”

She palmed his cheek, dipping her fingers into the short edges of his hair.“And you may be confident that I’m going to rack up those continuing education credits with you and Jay for the rest of my life.”

Their kiss might’ve gone on longer if not for the clomping of boots in the hall.

“Bathroom breaks first”—Jay’s voice rose above excited chatter—“and wash your hands, and then cookies to fuel us up.That snow fort won’t build itself.”

She sat with her hands on Henry’s shoulders but their lips modestly apart as their husband rounded the corner and leaned against the doorframe.The chill had reddened his cheeks, and his hair flopped every which way when he lifted his snowy cap.Sporting a cocky grin, he waggled his eyebrows.“Canoodling again?Am I interrupting?”

“Never.”

Henry waved Jay forward as she echoed his declaration.They clasped Jay’s icy hands and tugged him in for kisses.

“Are you warm enough?”She chafed his hand.Between the morning and afternoon, he’d been out in the snow for hours.“It’ll be dark soon.”

He curled his fingers into hers.“I’m plenty warm after those kisses.”

“Would you care for assistance encouraging the boys to come in for the evening?”

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