Page 71 of Season of Gifts

“I can’t wait.”

Chapter thirty-seven

Alice

Alicerolledpastthehouse and around the corner.Just a quick detour past her old elementary school.Not because she was scared to go home or anything.For the nostalgia.She could snap a selfie in front of the playground to send to Ollie later.

Five or six selfies.But only because the sun was drifting in and out of the clouds, and the wind kept whipping her hood over one eye.Not because if she delayed, Mom’s car might be out of the driveway, and then, shucks, she’d have to skip the home visit and drop in at the diner instead.Mom couldn’t get mad or make a scene at work.

Alice sat in a swaying swing with its narrow rubber saddle and its freezing chains.A few swipes called up her chat with Henry and Jay; she scrolled up to Henry’s morning greeting.

Mother and I are adventuring through the wedding photos and reminiscing as we await our first home health candidate.I haven’t seen her eyes so bright in days.The two of you are, on that day and every day, the loveliest of visions.Good morning, my dearests.

He had the best relationship with his mom.They had so many things in common, so many ways to connect.A spike drove into her ribs, and she twisted away, but envy didn’t unclench like a knotted muscle.And who was she to complain anyway—Jay didn’t have a relationship with his mom at all, and no hope of creating one now, but she could still fix hers.

Silly to drive an hour out and an hour back for fifteen minutes of talk during Mom’s break.Ten years was a lot of catching up to fit into fifteen minutes.She forced herself back into the car, the sedan’s door sticking in the cold, and returned to the house at a crawl.Little old ladies drove faster than she did.She drifted to the curb beside a graying snowbank, threw the car in Park, and cut the engine.

Across the street, her childhood home sat as it always had, a three-bedroom starter ranch in a long line of the same.The gutters sagged a little more.Patchy snow on the roof meant the heat was escaping unevenly.Could be fallen insulation.Drive hadn’t been scraped clean—Mom’s car had left icy ruts up toward the garage, and the pickup Alice had taught Ollie to drive in sat on the far side in a shawl of smooth snow that had melted and refrozen who knew how many times.Probably been sitting there since Ollie went to college.

She closed her eyes and blew out a breath.Without the heater on, the chill was seeping into the car.“Not gonna get any easier.”

Her hands weren’t so sure they wanted to let go of the steering wheel.Her wedding ring gleamed.Awkwardly twisting in the tight space, she yanked the ring free and jammed it into her pants pocket under her coat.Less to explain that way.At least not right away.Maybe if no shouting matches erupted.

Pulling her mittens on, she stepped out.The car door creaked; she had to shove against the wind to close it.Big gusts today.The front curtains hung closed, so at least Dad wouldn’t be sitting by the window watching her pick her way across the crusty ice and snow.He’d probably tell her she should’ve brought snow boots—being away so long, she must’ve forgotten what home was like.

If she went in expecting shit, that was what she’d get.But fuck, a good attitude danced impossibly far away when her stomach churned like a magma chamber preparing for a seismic event.Hope was paper thin and too easily shredded; she couldn’t risk it.

She skirted the front, following the tire tracks up the driveway to the side door.No sense walking straight into the living room and a fight.The storm door opened at her tug.She didn’t carry her key anymore—too much weight—but it still nestled in her jewelry box with all the other little things she rarely looked at but couldn’t leave behind.

If Mom was in the kitchen, she’d hear a knock.

Alice rapped her knuckles above the doorknob.Her mitten muffled the sound to three dull thuds.She repeated them.

Her head swam, heavy and heating with a sudden fever.Blood rushed past her ears.Ollie would want her to do this.Ollie would not want her to jackrabbit back to the car and point it east and keep going.Henry and Jay would—well, she hadn’t given them a chance to advise her, so it didn’t really matter now, because she’d already gone and done it.But Henry hadn’t been thrilled about her encouraging Jay to attend lunch at his brother’s, and his tolerance for people—family or not—verbally abusing them was just about nil, so.He would have suggested a plan.He would have suggested she call.Meet on neutral ground.He would’ve had lots to say if she’d spoken up instead of trying to streamline and smooth over any complications that didn’t involve his mom’s health right now.She hadn’t lied last night on their call, but she hadn’t shared the whole truth, either—

A hand twitched the curtain in the half-window at the top of the door, and suddenly theshunkof the deadbolt unlocking rattled her bones.The door swung wide open—Were you raised in a barn?You’re letting the heat out—and Mom stared out with a hand over her mouth.Tears spilled out of her eyes.“Alice?”

“Hi, Mom.”Her whisper sounded just as grainy.She couldn’t have called; she couldn’t have guaranteed until right this second that she’d actually show up for this.“I, uh, I was in the neighborhood?”

Mom stepped forward and practically fell on top of her, binding her arms around Alice so tight she couldn’t even get her own arms up for a hug.Hot breath puffed against her neck, down into the collar of her coat.Mom sobbed silently, shaking but noiseless; she’d gotten real good at that.

Alice stood still as a statue, caught on the threshold.Her body had no idea what to do with this, and her brain wasn’t much better.“Shh, it’s okay.It’s okay, Mom.”

She bit her tongue onWe’ll figure it out.Mom’s hair had gone grayer, peeking out at the roots, but otherwise not much had changed in the last decade.

“Oh, come in, honey.”Backing up, Mom tugged her forward.“I’m sorry.”She wiped her eyes with a finger underneath each.“I wasn’t expecting you.Sit, sit.”She pushed Alice toward the table and snagged a tissue, blowing her nose and hitting the trash under the sink.“How long can you stay?Do you want coffee?A snack?”

Cupboards opened and shut, Mom keeping busy, setting out mugs before Alice had even answered.

“Nothing, thanks.I can stay a little while.It’s—I’m—” She shoved her hood down and unzipped the coat despite the shivers quaking under her skin.“There’s a work thing in Sioux Falls.I thought it would be nice to see you.”

Nice was an exaggeration, but Mom smiled and stopped hustling around and loading the counter with boxes of snack cakes.“It’s good to see you too, honey.Let’s keep things down; your dad’s sleeping, and I hate to wake him.It’s the only peace he gets from the pain.”

A nauseating mix of relief and apprehension gurgled in her throat.Dad being asleep meant no confrontation, but it also meant tiptoeing around like any noise could wake him.A stray phone call or a rattling truck outside could ruin an afternoon in seconds.Every period of calm was temporary.Uneasiness was just the default setting.

“What about a sweater?”Mom rubbed Alice’s back as she passed, sliding out a chair with cushioned pads at the ends of the legs so it made no noise across the linoleum.“You girls must have some in your bedroom.I haven’t changed a thing in there; your sister visits sometimes.”

Her gut braced for battle.Just a statement, not a dig.Just a statement—

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