Page 133 of Season of Gifts

“You sound…” Steaks and baked potatoes on the grill for Christmas.This was a time warp.Mom was calling her from the past, and physics had a perfectly normal explanation for how it was happening.“Different today.”

Not worse.Maybe Ollie was right.

“I feel different.I hadn’t realized…” A quiet sniffle filled the gap, and then muttering, “Oh, I know I have tissues in one of these pockets.Just a second.Here we go.”After some rustling, Mom’s voice came back clearer.“He shouldn’t have said those things to you, baby.I don’t even hear them anymore, you know?The grumbling is background noise.Normal.”

Head back against the wall, Alice swallowed past the tightness in her throat.“It’s not normal, Mom.”

“No.”Barely a whisper over the wind.“No, it’s not.”Mom firmed her voice, loud enough to silence the noise.“I didn’t notice it happening.There was always so much to do, so many pieces to keep moving.You walk so far down a path, and then you look up and you don’t know where you are or how you got there, but suddenly you know it’s not where you’re supposed to be.”

“Because every step seemed necessary at the time.”Like Henry going to Maine by himself.She and Jay had to work; Henry would go to Maine.But what was normal and acceptable the first night was unbearable by the end.She’d taken two weeks to wake up.Mom was coming out of a sixteen-year fog.“Are you okay, Mom?”

“I think so?”The sniffly laughter lasted longer, ending only with a big breath.“I don’t know if I remember what okay is, honey.I used to.I wasn’t always the peacemaker, the pacifier.I used to know what I wanted.I used to be someone else.Someone more like you.”

The warmth of Mom’s admiration settled uncomfortably in Alice’s chest, an accolade she didn’t deserve, had no place for.I’m nothing special, she almost answered.But footsteps sounded on the tile, and real warmth settled on either side of her, shoulder to shoulder, and Henry grasped her free hand and brought it to his lips.His soft kiss had her blinking back tears.

“I remember that you,” she said instead.“When you didn’t have so many worries weighing you down.”

“Oh God, baby.”A low sob dropped between them.“I’m glad you remember, because I didn’t.And I heard you—I heard you—standing up for me—” Sobs garbled Mom’s words, created hitching pauses.

Sympathy sobs shook in Alice’s chest, and Jay slipped between her and the wall, wrapping his arms around her and settling her back against him.“Gotcha,” he murmured, a whisper against her hair.

“You reminded me—” Mom steadied her voice.Maybe she’d wrapped herself in a hug too, the crackling sound her winter coat scratching against itself.“You reminded me that I deserve more.That we deserve more as a family.I stopped asking; I let it go for too long.”

“It’s not your fault.”The answer jumped to her lips, ready-made and often deployed.She squeezed Henry’s hand, and he rubbed his thumb across her knuckles, slow and steady, tracing the outline of her wedding band.“Dad has to be responsible for his behavior, too.He doesn’t get a free pass.”

Only he had, for years and years.Was he having a shitty day and taking it out on everyone else?No problem: He could present one excuse-my-bad-behavior card inscribed with a life-changing medical condition.Repeat as needed, until living with him almost hurt more than wishing he’d died.

“No, he doesn’t.Not anymore.”That determined edge hadn’t been in Mom’s voice for years.Something had cracked in her, split open thebut what can you doresignation.“It’s hard, Allie.It’s hard to watch someone you love be in pain every day and not be able to fix it.So you let things go.You make excuses.But after a while, that’s just…”

As reliable as the sun coming up in the morning.“The new normal.What’s expected.”

“Yes.But we’re past that now.”Mom drew a breath like a warrior preparing for battle.“Your dad’s going to listen to me.He’s going to get help for his addiction if I have to tie him to that damn recliner.”

She should’ve sent restraints for Christmas.Mom was talking tough, but whether she could see it through, that was a whole other question.Alice pressed her forehead into Jay’s chin and closed her eyes.“I don’t remember you ever calling it an addiction before.”

Seconds ticked by with nothing but the wind on the line.“I felt like naming it would make it real.But it’s already real.It’s a monster that has swallowed all the good he’s ever done, robbed you girls of your father—”

“And you, Mom.It’s robbed you, too.”She sagged into Jay, his arms a safety belt.She could say the true things here.He would hold her until she told him to stop or the sun burned out.

“And me.”Mom cleared her throat.“I talked to your sister for a long time last night.She says they’ve made lots of advances.If I can get your dad through a detox program, one of those step-down drugs that blocks the high, we can try again.Get a baseline for the pain, pinpoint the source, maybe even have him re-evaluated for a new surgical solution.”

“He’s on board with that?”The first year had been a blur of unsuccessful surgeries.Mechanically successful, but none of them stopped the constant pain.They just drained Dad’s hope until he refused to consider anything but the pills.

“He’s agreed to try.”

That must’ve been some shouting match.“I hope it works this time.”

“I know it’s hard to believe—”

She hadn’t hidden her doubt nearly well enough to fool Mom.

“—but you didn’t see him after you left, baby.He doesn’t want to be the way he is.He doesn’t want to hurt you.He’s so angry at everything.And at himself most of all.You being here, calling him on it—” Short, sharp breaths covered the wobble.“You woke something up in both of us, Allie.We’ve been sleepwalking through this nightmare, and you shouted us awake.”

If that was true, she could’ve done it sooner.Ten years of silence, all that wasted time, trying to protect herself by fencing off “home” as a place she’d never go again.

Alice pulled her knees to her chest.Jay followed her, keeping her safe and surrounded.Her fingers dug into Henry’s solid forearm, and he gripped her in return, their arms locked.Resting against Jay, she met Henry’s green eyes bright and sheltering, rich with all the wisdom they’d gained together and apart.A shudder rippled out from her stomach.“I’m sorry I gave up.I’m sorry I ran away and left you.”

“Oh, Allie, my baby girl.Don’t you ever think that.I am so proud of you, honey.”

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