Page 16 of SEAL's Doorstep Baby

Maybe it’s my time with my team of SEALs, maybe it’s the way Millie and I grew up, but I appreciate that loyalty almost more than anything else.

Only a loyal friend would do as much, and go as far as she has.I think, knowing that in these very few days, she has more than earned her title of godmother in my opinion.

Leaving the room, I turn to look back at Maddie on my way out, recollecting the first moment I saw her in Allison’s grip, looking for all the world like she fitted with her, and despite the sadness of the day, I can feel a small smile on my face. I shake my head in amusement, and then I make my way to where I’ll be sleeping.

Emily’s room looks nothing like I imagined a mom’s room would. An abominably old poster of Clint Eastwood in all his cowboy glory hangs on the wall. It is a stereotypical teenage girl room, and at the same time it is so different from the look of her room the last time I saw it, even though it smells the same way; like a mix of books and her perfume.

Odd knick-knacks and paraphernalia fill the bedside table, as well as magazines on child health and wellness. Those are the first indications that this room doesn’t belong to a teenage girl.

But at the end of the day, she was Emily first, before anything else, including being a mom.

Looking at the stuff in her room is painful, and I once again consider moving back to my place with Maddison, but I remindmyself that I’m not here to make my own life better or easier. I’m here to take care of her.

Besides, Allison is closer here. Maddison deserves that.

I make my way to bed, baby monitor in hand as I slip under the covers. Placing it on the bedside table, I close my eyes and perform a breathing exercise to get my mind in order by focusing on every image or thought flashing through my mind, imagining folding it in an envelope, and then putting it in a box. I do this over and over for every single one of them until I finally drift away, the weight of sleep gently pulling me closer.

* * *

No sleep. None at all.

I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep all night, and now that it is daylight, I can’t afford to sleep. I hadn’t realized quite how much help Allison was giving me. Thankfully, Maddie is sleeping soundly now, having gone back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning, but not before she had spent a good portion of the morning screaming her lungs out for no discernible reason. Her long overdue sleep meant that I could do other things, but the daylight seeping through the blinds commands me to continue my task in another capacity.

I now have to arrange and put the house—particularly the kitchen—in order while still keeping an eye on her as she sleeps. I’d considered hiring cleaners, but decided ultimately I wanted to be the one to clean out Emily’s apartment, even if it meant starting with month-old groceries.

Cleaning up the dishes on no sleep is a struggle and would definitely be overwhelming for a lot of people. The only reason I am still on my feet and haven’t crashed out on a couch somewhere is because of my training, which has greatly increased my endurance without sleep.

The fact that I can go without sleep doesn't mean I enjoy it, but right now, I can't help it. Like everything else I do, I focus all my attention on getting the dishes done in as little time as possible.

Maddie wakes up after less than five hours’ of sleep, but this time she doesn’t announce it by crying. I only know that she is awake when I take a peek at the baby monitor and see her trying to fit her foot in her mouth.

I pop in quickly, my mood rising just by seeing her.

“Good morning, princess. How’d you sleep?” I ask, returning the smile she directs my way when she sees me.

“Maaah!” Her only response is an inarticulate sound which I can’t quite understand. For all I know she could be asking for her mom, but to me it’s all babble. I try not to pay too much attention to it because she is all smiles and giggles, but I can’t help feeling conflicted about it. I want her to retain memories of her mother, but I also want her not to be sad, and the former cannot happen without the possibility of the latter.

I made Emily a promise… I’ll make sure to keep her memory alive in a positive way.I know Maddie won’t remember her like I will, but I’ll be sure to tell her everything about her amazing mom. My sister's beautiful spirit will never be forgotten.

I lift her up from her crib, and the smell which follows makes it clear that she needs a diaper change right now.

“How’s it that you can raise a riot when you need to eat, and even after eating, but you don’t say anything about this?”

She looks at me with wide eyes.

“Huh?” I follow up, but it is clear I’m not getting a response any time soon. Maddie is preoccupied with trying to bite my hair, and the determined expression on her face coupled with her squinted eyes and pursed lips is comical. I don’t even know when I start laughing.

“Alright. Time for a bath, young lady.”

Swinging her around to amuse her, I make my way to the bathroom where I find out that giving a bath to an eleven-month-old is as difficult as disarming a land-mine. There’s a small baby bath that Allison taught me how to use, but even with that, it’s hard to keep the water and soap out of her eyes.

It is less of a bath and more of a wrestling contest by the time I’m halfway through it. The only difference is that this wrestler is as slippery as an eel, and twice as stubborn as a bull. Maddie makes it a point to get me as wet as she is by the time we are done.

Deciding on not changing my clothes and just waiting until I have my own bath, I turn my time and attention to the next task. Putting on a new diaper.

Despite having done it alone at least a half dozen times now—most of those, admittedly, being last night—I cannot for the life of me figure out how tight to get it this time. Maybe it’s because I’m picking her up right after instead of leaving her laying in her crib, but the diaper keeps sliding off her no matter how tightly I pull the tabs.

“Sweet baby Jesus. How do I put this on now?”

---