Page 61 of Fool Me Once

“I didn’t say it back that night because—” I start to plead my case, to tell her the truth about what stopped me, but she cuts me off.

“It’s okay, Smith,” she whispers quickly, looking down. “It’s okay that you didn’t feel it then.”

Forcing her eyes back on mine, I take a few steps forward until her ass is on the countertop.

“I did feel it then. I’d felt it since the day you came into my life. I didn’t say it because I thought the setting wasn’t romantic enough. I wanted the first time I told you that to be special, not in my truck. I planned to take you to that place you liked to go stargazing, but …” I don’t want to finish my sentence. It doesn’t feel right to call her dad out on it even though it’s all his fault.

“But my dad got to you first,” she whispers, and I don’t have to nod or say yes because she knows she’s right.

“For years, I have kicked myself in the ass for not telling you the second you said it to me. Hell, if I could turn back time and tell you when we were kids, I would.”

“But that’s not how life works,” she says softly.

“Nope.” My throat feels like someone has a torch to it, and talking becomes harder because I know what I have to say next, and it’s going to hurt like hell.

“If I had been older and maturer back then, when your father put those thoughts in my head, I would have come to you. I would have made you promise me that you weren’t throwing your life away for me. Instead, I was too insecure and juvenile, and I let your dad’s words make mequestion everything. I really did think I was doing the right thing when I packed my truck early that morning and left before you were even awake.”

Tears well in my eyes, and a lump is lodged deep in my throat.

“So much of your life would have been different, Gem. It could have been better if only I hadn’t taken off.”

I look away from her, unable to stare into her eyes—so much of the pain inside of them is there because I basically threw her away, leaving her to find that fucking monster she ended up with.

“I feel like everything that Richie put you through is my fault. I’d pushed you right to him. I’m so fucking sorry for that, Firefly. I’ve done a lot of dumb shit in my life; I regret lots of things. But nothing as deeply as that.”

We’re both emotional, crying messes, and I swipe my thumbs under her eyes to wipe away some of her tears.

“Does that mean … you do love me?” she asks bashfully. “Even now?”

Sliding my palm over her cheek and into her hair, I tilt her face up slightly. “Especiallynow, Gem. More than ever.”

From the way she’s looking at me with sadness in her eyes, I know she’s going to say something that will hurt me. I can feel it coming because I know her like the back of my hand. And I know whatever she tells me, no matter how painful it is … I’ll understand because that’s what she needs me to do.

She presses another kiss to my lips, and I taste the salt from her tears.

“Do you love me enough to wait for me?” Her lips tremble as she barely speaks the words out loud. “I understand if you don’t. I know it’s a big ask, but … do you love me enough to let me heal? On my own.”

My heart stops beating, I swear. I want to tell her no. I want to promise that I’ll do anything to help her heal as long as I can be by her side. I can’t let her just take off, not again.

“But how will you be safe?” Panic floods my veins.

Her ex is still out there—I know because I had a security guard who works for the team check in with his buddy out in California.

Although she called the cops that night, she didn’t press charges because his parents were rich and powerful. She knew there was no point.

She doesn’t answer my question, but instead, she says somethingelse. “After our walk yesterday, Paige came in for a coffee, and I expressed to her that I knew I needed therapy and that I was ready to take the first step.” She doesn’t look ashamed or embarrassed, which makes me so happy. “She has a friend who is a therapist in Boothbay. She comes highly recommended, and Paige got me a virtual appointment with her yesterday afternoon.”

“That’s amazing, Gem.” I hug her tightly to my chest. “That’s a huge step. You should be so proud of yourself.”

She hugs me before stepping back, giving me the saddest stare.

I can feel her pain as if it were my own. She’s carried that same haunted, tortured gaze around since she returned to Maine, and it doesn’t matter that we spent years apart. I’ve known her since I was eight years old and spent my whole life admiring her. All the time in the world could have passed, and I’d still know her better than I know anyone else.

“I need to be on my own for a little while, and Paige said I can stay in the apartment above their garage for as long as I need.” Her lips tremble, and her words are a punch to the gut. “I want to stay here. I want to be with you. I want more than anything to jump in headfirst and just say screw everything else.” Using the back of her hand, she wipes her eyes. “I can’t do that to you though. It wouldn’t be fair. Because you truly are the man I always knew you’d grow up to be. I mean, look at you. You’ve spent the past few weeks turning your life upside down to help heal me. You’ve been patient, kind, and understanding with me. And when we finally get our shot? Our true shot? I want to be the best version of myself too. I want to be whole and healed. For you. For me. And for us.”

I want to be with her while she heals. I don’t want her to run to Kolt and Paige for shelter. I want to be the one to save her right now. But that’s selfish, and I love her too much to be that way.

So, even though it fucking kills me, I say, “I will wait as long as it takes, Firefly.” I stroke her cheek with my thumb and press my lips to her forehead.

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