Page 51 of A Life Betrayed

“Spare me the shrink talk—”

“You have.”

Mathias stopped.

“I used to marvel at your ability to walk headfirst into any situation, no matter the stakes,” Rayan said. “I thought it was superhuman, wished I could be the same. But nothing ever scared you because you didn’t care what happened either way.”

Mathias clenched his jaw.

“Now you do.”

Mathias reached for the door handle and gripped it in his palm. He thought of the pale-green linoleum in the holding cell, smelling of piss and bleach. Then he yanked open the door, stepped out into the cold night air, and slammed it closed behind him.

Chapter Twenty

Rayan could no longer stand the four walls of the safe house. He felt himself bouncing against them like a rubber ball—or worse, a crazed man in a straitjacket. Here he was again, tossed about on a whim as his life spiraled out of control. If it had come to this—if Mathias was being forced to consider that—then things were coming apart faster than he’d realized, and Rayan could not hang back and relinquish his part in it all.

He dressed warmly, wearing a sweater beneath his winter coat, and laced up his shoes by the door. The urge resurfaced the same as before—the only way to shake free from the tumbling mess in his mind was to take to the streets. When he stepped out of the apartment and into the freezing air for the first time in almost two weeks, Rayan felt reborn, and his feet took over without him having to think.

The day he’d arrived on the bus from Toronto, Montreal had appeared to him like a foreign land, the neighborhoods he’d once known unrecognizable. Now he moved through streets carved with memories, returned to their familiar state. Compelled by nostalgia, Rayan let himself be led through the city, his body buzzing with the taste of freedom. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed it.

Rayan didn’t know what to do about the unfolding situation, only that he had a hunch that Mathias’s stony response hadn’t been the full extent of his feelings on the matter. Why else would he have reacted so defensively when pushed? There’d been a shift in Mathias since his release from jail. He’d returned thatday, humbled and disheveled, his conviction knocked. Rayan knew Mathias was protecting him, but in doing so, he was shutting him out. Mathias couldn’t do this alone—it was already taking its toll. Rayan had to stop him from making the situation even more impossible to walk away from.

In Toronto, Allen had come to him for information. Perhaps there was something he could give her that would help shift the direction of the investigation away from Mathias. While Rayan had fewer scruples than Mathias when it came to collaborating with the police, the danger lay in the very real chance of turning the man he loved against him.

Rayan found himself downtown, standing on the corner of a street he knew well and staring up at a building he knew even better. This was where his feet had taken him. He didn’t go through the lobby, instead slipping into the parking garage and taking the elevator from the basement. The code was the same, and the elevator launched him up to the top floor, where he was released into a familiar entranceway. He moved to the door at the end and brought his hand to the buzzer.

Rayan’s mind blanked as he waited for the door to open. The excuses that had sounded plausible in his mind, the infallible lines of reasoning for why he was there—when he’d so clearly been instructed otherwise—abandoned him. Instead, he stared at the man who appeared in the doorway before him, shirtsleeves rolled up, his sharp features set in a scowl.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Mathias cautioned quietly.

Rayan said nothing. He stepped forward, reaching for the front of Mathias’s shirt as the door closed behind them. Rayan pushed his lips against him like a drowning man, and Mathias raised a hand to grip the back of his neck, deepening the kiss.

Then Mathias pulled away, his face rippling with fury. “How fucking reckless can you be?”

Rayan shrugged off his coat and shoved Mathias against the wall in the hallway. “You’re going to call me reckless in the face of what you’re considering?”

Mathias knocked his hand away and stalked down the hall. Rayan caught his arm at the door to the bedroom, and Mathias whirled around and threw him onto the bed. After climbing on top of him, Mathias sat on Rayan’s legs and pinned his arms to the mattress, the iciness not leaving his eyes.

“Is this a game to you?” Mathias asked.

“I was careful.”

“I told you not to leave.”

“But you can come and go as you please?”

“You think showing up here will make me change my mind?”

Rayan threw his weight to one side and rolled Mathias beneath him. “I don’t think you’ve made up your mind.”

Mathias glared at him, his expression darkening. “Stay the fuck out of my head.”

“It’s too late for that,” Rayan said, cavalier despite the ramifications, wanting to push him that little bit further.

Mathias, stronger than him, tossed Rayan back onto the bed and lowered his face so it was inches from his own. “Careful, Rayan.” His eyes glinted dangerously. “You’re getting ahead of yourself.”

Rayan raised his head and brushed his mouth along Mathias’s neck. Then he sank his teeth into the skin below Mathias’s ear, and the man pulled back sharply, bringing his fingers to the mark Rayan had left behind.

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