Page 31 of Broken King

That’s stupid. Nothing is different from the other day. Well, other than I got a decent shave and don’t look like the damn Unabomber anymore.

As much as I want to be happy I might see her today, a dark voice inside me keeps reminding me that I’m still a messed up man who lost his hand. Why would she even think about being with someone like me now?

Every time I hear that in my head, I try to push it away, but it keeps returning. That darkness in my very soul is stronger than I am. I don’t know how to change that.

I smooth my hair back off my face and like what I see for the first time in weeks. That Sabrina might be as irritating as nails on a chalkboard, but she did a good job.

“Yoo-hoo!” Eleanor calls from the hallway. “May I come in? It’s sheet changing day, and you’re the lucky contestant this hour.”

“Come in.”

The door opens, and in she walks with the laundry basket. She sets it on the floor and gets to work on my bed like she does every Thursday. Then she looks over at me standing in the doorway to the bathroom and her mouth drops open.

“Ronan, you shaved! You look like your old self again,” Eleanor says with a bigger smile than I’ve seen on her in a long time.

“Thanks,” I say, stroking my hairless chin. “I thought it might be time yesterday.”

Then she realizes I needed a razor to get my face to look like this, and her smiles quickly disappears. “I didn’t think we left anything…I mean something you could use…”

“Ava’s helper hooked me up. It’s okay. I just wanted to clean up a little. Nothing else.”

When she doesn’t return to smiling, I put my left hand up and add, “Swear to God, Eleanor. I promised Matthias I wouldn’t try anything like that again, and I won’t.”

Relief washes over her, and she sits down on my bed. “Please don’t. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if…”

Once more, she can’t finish her sentence. “You’ve been the closest thing to a mother that I’ve had since mine died. I wouldn’t do that to you. I promise, Eleanor.”

That makes her smile return, but now it’s accompanied by tears in her eyes. “Oh, honey. I know things have been hard for you. I only want you to find all the happiness you deserve.”

“Well, I figured I needed to start with my face. I was looking pretty rough there for a while.”

Eleanor returns to stripping the sheets off my bed but shakes her head at my attempt to be self-effacing. “You always lookedlike yourself. Just with a little more hair. I like this version better, though. It’s more you.”

“Thanks. I’m going to head downstairs for breakfast now.”

As she tosses the dirty sheets into the basket and makes her way to the linen closet to get a new set, she says, “I think Matthias is down there with Theo. The baby had a doctor’s appointment early this morning, so Ava and Sabrina took Matty and he offered to lighten the load by hanging out here with him.”

I’m not sure if she’s warning me so I don’t go down to the kitchen yet or just trying to be helpful like usual. I haven’t exactly been uncle of the year to either of my nephews. In fact, I’ve spent very little time with either of them since I came to stay here, so she might think I want to avoid that today.

I feel so good this morning that maybe it’s time to change how I’ve been with little Theo and Matty. Before I leave, I walk over to Eleanor and hug her. I feel her sigh against me and wonder if I’ve underestimated how bad things have been for everyone these past few months.

“Thank you for always being here for me, Eleanor.”

She covers my cheeks with her hands and smiles, her eyes full of tears again. “Oh, honey. We’re all here for you. I’m so happy to see you feeling better. I know things have been so hard for you, but I think you’re turning a corner. You watch. Life is going to be much better from now on.”

I don’t say it, but I hope she’s right. I’d like to be happy again. It’s been a long time since I’ve truly felt that way, but I remember being happy, and I miss it.

Matthiasand his older son sit at the kitchen table, my brother in the seat he’s always sat in and Theo in his high chair with the tray filled with Cheerios. They both look up when I walkinto the room like they’re surprised to see me. I guess that’s warranted since until this week I’ve taken every meal up in my room.

“Ronan? You look like yourself again,” Matthias says, clearly happy by my effort to look human once more.

Then, just as Eleanor did a few minutes ago upstairs, he realizes what I must have gotten my hands on to be clean shaven. His expression morphs from happy to worried like always, but I quickly explain so he isn’t stressed.

“It’s okay. Sabrina helped me, and she took the scissors and razor with her when she was done. You don’t have to worry. I promised I’d never do anything like that again, and I won’t. You can trust me.”

For the second time this morning, I watch as relief washes over someone I love when they realize I might be getting better finally. My brother smiles again and points to the chair across from him.

“Sit down and enjoy some breakfast. Eleanor made waffles a little while ago.” He stops and looks at Theo. “Obviously, my son decided today was a Cheerios day. He doesn’t seem to understand they’re for eating, though.”

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