Page 7 of Oblivion

Since that night, I’ve searched my drunken, spotty memory for a reason why he’d leave me after we finally admitted how we both feel. But no matter what scenario I consider, none of them end with me alone and him pretending nothing ever happened.

If my bed hadn’t smelled of him and the dent in the pillow wasn’t there, I might have considered I’d made it all up. But I didn’t. He was there. If I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can remember how it felt to finally be kissed by him.

Only now, he’s colder than ever. More haunted than before. More broken than I’ve ever seen him, and I have no idea what to do, or if I should do anything at all. We had our moment. We had our chance, and yet I’m still single, and he’s still acting like he shouldn’t look at me.

I love Starling. I love January, and I even love the rest of the guys, despite them all being absolute psychos. But the more time I spend with them, the more I realize that even though I wish I was, I’m not really one of them. Clay and January are married. Starling and Sebastian are engaged, and Hunter’s mentioned more than once that he and Evan will be expected to accept arranged marriages to women whose families are equally as wealthy and well connected as they are.

I think a part of me thought that maybe Evan and I could have a chance, that we could be together. But now I’m wondering if he left me that night because he knows what I don’t want to admit…that I don’t belong here.

I’m not going to marry a bajillionaire and spend my life hosting charity functions and being on committees. My family is wealthy, but after I graduate I’ll either be going to work with my dad or getting an actual job, one that I’ll be expected to go to every day in exchange for money to pay my bills.

Yes, I have a trust fund, but in comparison to the kind of money the guys have, my family-funded backup plan is a drop in the ocean, the same amount of money they’d spend on a car without thinking about it.

Being here and finding freedom in their group has been amazing, but the school year is almost over, and while my friends plan to travel and rent a house at the beach, I have to go home. In a few short weeks, I’ll be returning to Washington, living in my childhood bedroom, wearing knee-length skirts and pearls, and crossing my feet demurely at the ankles like I was raised to do.

Coming to college hasn’t made me forget who I am, but when I got to Kingsacre, my horizons didn’t just expand, they doubled, tripled, and quadrupled, and now I’m worried that this version of me won’t fit back home, or here.

The smirk on Evan’s face when he talks about fucking girls at black tie events makes me want to cry, but I refuse to let the tears fall. I won’t cry for him, at least not right now. Since the night in my room, I’ve barely uttered more than two words to him. I wish I could find it in me to hate him, but I can’t. So, ignoring him is the only thing I can do to protect myself from the way he makes me feel.

I’ve told myself again and again that I only want him because he signifies freedom and the chance to live a bigger life than I’d envisioned for myself. But if I’m honest, I don’t know if that’s actually true. When I allow myself to really look at him, I don’t think about me. I’m consumed with him and how beautifully broken he is.

But how I feel is irrelevant. He doesn’t want me, and I’ve accepted that. I’ve spent the last few weeks trying to move on. I’ve gone on more dates than I have the entire rest of the year. I’ve kissed a handful of guys and danced with everyone who’s approached me. I’ve done everything I can to push Evan Morris to the back of my mind, but no matter how many guys I use to try to forget, he never goes away.

We live in the same house, we eat three meals a day together, we hang out as a group. We party together, study together, mark every single momentous occasion together. Our lives are intrinsically linked, and they always will be while we share a friendship group.

I fly home for summer break in a couple of weeks, and I’m both dreading it and desperate to return to the normalcy of home.

Yesterday was Starling and Sebastian’s wedding. My bestie is married. She’s a wife. That’s two married couples in the house we all share, and with the way Hunter’s eyeing Bunny like he wants to devour her, I can’t see him being single for long.

With all three of them paired up, that’ll just leave me and Evan as the only two remaining singletons. What happens when he meets someone or is paired up with someone by his dad? I’ll be alone. The odd woman out in a group that I should never have been a part of in the first place.

“God, you’re such a dog,” I snap at Evan, angry at his amusement the moment I tune back into the conversation.

“I’m not the one who’s been on ten dates in the last two weeks,” he snarls, his lips twisted into an angry scowl.

Where the hell does he get off commenting on how many dates I’ve been on? “Fuck you, Evan. Who I date is none of your business.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” he says, leaning toward me.

His spicy scent fills my nose, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and inhale. “How exactly am I wrong?” I demand, needing to be combative to stop myself from crawling into his lap just to see if being surrounded by him feels as good as I remember.

“Everything you do is my business,” Evan growls, his jaw so tight I can see the muscle twitching beneath his skin.

Glancing at the rest of our friends and Hunter’s new obsession, Bunny, I inhale sharply and turn my icy glare back to Evan. “You’re the one that’s wrong because nothing I do will ever have anything to do with you.” Biting my tongue to fend off the tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes, I drop my sandwich back to my plate, throw some money onto the table,then rush out of the restaurant, refusing to allow myself to look back at him, no matter how much I want to.

6

EVAN

There she goes. My wild one running away, just like she should. Just like I keep making her. If she had any idea how much I want to own her, dominate her, brand her as mine and never let her go, she’d run a hell of a lot faster than she is now as she climbs into her car and drives away.

I’m hurting her. I see the way she flinches when I speak. She’s been avoiding me since that night in her room, and I deserve it. Leaving her was necessary but unforgivable. But knowing she wants me, almost as much as I want her, is like a stabbing wound that will never heal in my chest.

I don’t fight the pain. I deserve it, and that’s okay. I’ll take it all and use it to build another layer on the wall I’ve constructed between her and me, so I never get a chance to ruin her. The part of me that wants her to be happy, knows that I should let her move on and find someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. But my heart and soul know she’s mine, which is why I threaten to destroy every guy who has the audacity to ask outmygirl.

None of them so far have been willing to incur my wrath to date her, but eventually, someone will come along who wants her more than they’re scared of me and what I can do to them.When that happens, I’ll lose her, and what’s left of my hollow shell of a heart will go with her, forever hers.

Hunter asks the group if they know what’s wrong with her, and I make an excuse, citing tiredness and too much alcohol for her behavior. In a couple of weeks, she’ll be leaving. Unlike the rest of us, who plan to spend the summer together, Sammy’s parents want her to come home, and I’m hoping the distance will help, but I doubt it will.

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