Page 69 of Growing Into Love

Nigella is right. I belong with the juniors. What am I doing here? I’ve no chance of winning the Grand Prix. Might as well kiss my sanctuary goodbye. Don’t know why I got my hopes up in the first place.

I guess I should be grateful my family couldn’t make the trip over to watch. I’m a huge failure.

I head straight to the restaurant’s bar and order mac and cheese and a glass of white wine.

“The largest glass you have please,” I tell the bartender. He brings me a glass that’s so cold and refreshing, I chug half of it in one go.

I feel foolish, depleted. My family doesn’t believe in me, Del got seriously injured, Jaz saw me humiliate myself, the only relationship I have is with an imaginary dentist… The mac and cheese comes and I can’t shove it in my face fast enough. I finish my wine and order another. Who cares? Life is meaningless.

“Cass?”

I turn around and see Jaz standing there, staring at me. There’s grass in his hair and he’s out of breath.

“What?” I say, and then hiccup. Jaz looks from my face to my wineglass to the empty bowl of mac and cheese.

“What the hell are you doing?” he demands.

“Eating and drinking,” I say. “Duh.”

“The show starts tomorrow,” he says.

“What’s the point?” I say. “I fucked up utterly today. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve fallen off a horse?” I take a swig of wine. “Ages.” He opens his mouth and I point a finger in his face. “Don’t give me a bloody pep talk.”

“I wasn’t going to,” Jaz snaps. He pauses a moment then looks at the bartender. “Can I have a lager please, mate?”

“Sure thing,” the bartender says.

Jaz takes the stool beside me. I hesitate. This is definitely not how Del would react to finding me drinking and shoveling carbs into my mouth at top speed the week of a competition. The bartender sets a pint in front of him and Jaz gulps half of it down.

“I’ll have whatever that was too,” he says, nodding at my empty bowl. Then he guzzles more beer. He hasn’t looked at me since he sat. The silence swells around us, an uncomfortable bubble within the cheerful chatter of the other patrons.

“Are you…all right?” I ask.

He turns to me and his eyes flash. “No, Cass, I am not all right. You disappeared on me! Do you know how worried I’ve been? I was looking for you everywhere and then Lisa told me you’d left, but not after Nigella made some more choice comments. Lisa looked rather put out too, did you snap at her like you’re snapping at me?”

Shame burns in my cheeks. “I might have.”

Jaz finishes his beer and signals for another. “Go on,” he says to me, nodding toward my empty glass. “Don’t stop on my account.”

I raise my glass to the bartender, and he refills it.

“You can’t put stock into anything Nigella says,” Jaz adds. “She’s only trying to rankle both of us.”

I feel my stubbornness rise, beating back the shame. “So you see what I have to deal with!”

“All I see is a deeply insecure person who’s frighteningly jealous,” Jaz says.

I leap to my feet. “Excuse me?” I cry.

Jaz grabs my wrist as a few other patrons turn to stare. “I was talking about Nigella,” he hisses.

That brings me up short. “You…what?”

My head spins and I can’t tell if it’s the wine or his words. Nigella, insecure? Nigella,jealous? Of who?

I plunk down onto my stool in a daze.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

---