Page 116 of Growing Into Love

“Wait here please,” the other nurse says as a doctor rushes up. They all go into the room and leave me standing in the hall, my heart in my throat.

What if something is wrong with Baby? Or Theresa? I wasn’t prepared for this. I never considered anything bad could happen. I’ve been so swept up in my own stress. I pace back and forth, my heart racing. What’s taking so long? What’s happening behind that door?

My head pounds. At some point, I sink down onto one of the white plastic chairs in the hall. I try Jaz again. Voicemail. Tears fill my eyes. I don’t know what to do.

Suddenly, the exam room door opens and the doctor walks out. I leap to my feet.

“You brought her in?” he asks.

I nod. “Is she okay? Is the—”

“Mother and baby are doing just fine,” he says and the relief that floods my veins is so potent, I have to sit down again. “The fainting was due to low blood sugar. She needs to make sure she’s eating enough, especially fruit and veg.”

“Right,” I say. I’ll force feed her an entire pineapple if necessary to make sure this never happens again.

“You can go in and see her now,” he says. Theresa is lying in a bed, looking much better than she did before. There’s color in her cheeks and her skin is less clammy. She smiles when she sees me.

“The baby is okay,” she says.

“The doctor told me,” I say, hurrying to her side. I perch on the edge of the bed.

“I haven’t been eating enough,” she says.

“I thought the antihistamine was meant to help.”

She bites her lip. “I’m really stressed out.”

“Well, yeah. We’re all stressed out. But you’re growing a whole person in there. You’re meant to be eating for two.”

Tears fill Theresa’s eyes. “I wasn’t being honest with you guys. I didn’t need the antihistamine. I haven’t been feeling nauseous.” She looks down and fiddles with the hem of her cardigan. I stare at her blankly.

“What?” I say. “Theresa…what’s going on?”

“I’m so scared, Cass,” she says quietly. “My mind races constantly. My stomach is always in knots. I can’t eat. I can barely sleep.” She takes a huge inhale and holds it for a moment. When she looks up at me, her expression is bleak. “What if I’m a terrible mum?”

“What?” I yelp.I’mthe one who’s afraid of being a terrible mum—or stepmum or cool aunt or whatever concept of parent I feel I can handle. I haven’t been able to think of Baby as a person at all. Theresa is the one actually growing the child. I thought that automatically meant insta-baby-connection vibes. “No, Theresa, why would you think that? You’re the most organized person I’ve ever met. No one is more prepared to be a mum than you.”

“Did Jaz not tell you about my mum?” she asks.

“No,” I say. “I mean, he said you had a hard childhood, but he didn’t get into specifics.”

Tears spill down Theresa’s cheeks. “My mum was…unwell. She would have these fits of paranoia. I couldn’t have friends over. I couldn’t leave the house. Sometimes we would spend days inside with the curtains closed. She wouldn’t let me go to school. She didn’t want me to have friends at all. She didn’t trust anyone. I can’t stop worrying it’s, like, genetic or something. That I’ll be just like her—terrified all the time, taking that fear out on my child, preventing them from living a happy life…”

I didn’t know any of this. It sounds awful. Suddenly, I understand why Oak Hill appeals to her. There’s so much space at the farm, so much trust. If there’s one thing my home never lacked, it’s love.

“I don’t think things like that are genetic,” I tell her gently.

She hiccups and shrugs.

“I think you’ll be a fantastic mum,” I add.

She blinks up at me. “Really?”

“Of course!” I say. “Look how much you love this baby already. Look how careful you’re being to make sure you’ve got loads of support. There’s no way you’re going to repeat your mum’s patterns. You’ve already broken them.”

Theresa’s expression lifts. “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah, I guess I have.”

“I’m afraid too,” I confess. “What if I don’t feel anything? I can’t picture it—Baby isn’t real to me. What if it’s born and I’m just…blank? What if I don’t feel any connection to it at all?”

---