Page 101 of Growing Into Love

He’s quiet for so long, panic starts to rise like bile in the back of my throat. I have to prepare myself. I can’t fall apart when he tells me it’s over between us.

He looks up at me from under thick black lashes. “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

“What?” I yelp. “I thought it was you who wouldn’t want to be with me!”

“Not want to be with you?” Jaz says. “Cass, I wouldn’t want to be doing thiswithoutyou.”

My heart starts to flutter. “What?” I say again.

He takes my hand, stroking my knuckles with his thumb. “You’ve always been there for me, even when I was too blind to see my true feelings for you. But a baby is…well, it’s a huge commitment. We’d have to give one hundred percent. I understand if it’s asking too much.”

Part of me is thrilled Jaz wants to stay together but part of me feels like itistoo much. A baby? Now? It’s the wrong time. But how can I say no?

I try to picture both options—a life with Jaz plus a baby and life without Jaz at all. Neither are my favorite paths, but a life without Jaz would be far more miserable.

“It feels like I don’t have much of a choice,” I admit. “I love you.”

His hand tightens around mine. “I love you too.”

“So. We’re really going to do this.” I can’t wrap my head around having a baby in my life.

“We really are.” His mouth crooks up so his dimple pops. “You’ll make an amazing mum.”

“Whoa,” I say, holding up my other hand. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” I scratch the back of my neck. “I’ll be the cool aunt or something.”

“Fair enough,” Jaz says.

Silence settles around us. Have I really agreed to this? It means having Theresa in my life forever. It means more sacrifice on my part when I’ve been sacrificing for years.

My heart pinches. “I’ve still got to build my sanctuary,” I remind him.

“Oh shit,” Jaz says. “Cass, I…I’m so sorry, I don’t think I can help with the fence anymore. All my extra funds will have to help support the baby.”

I should have been more prepared for this response. But then again, my life has turned completely upside down over the course of an hour.

“Right,” I say tightly. I’m not angry at Jaz. I understand that a baby comes before horses.

But it still hurts. That my plans get shuttled to the side. That I’m always coming second or third or fourth place. This was meant to be my moment—my time to make decisions for myself. I’ve been the support system for my family for so long. Now I’ve got to be the support system for a new one. One I don’t even really feel a part of.

Jaz’s eyes turning glassy. “Oh, Cass,” he says, and he pulls me against his chest. “This isn’t fair. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I say. “I’ll sort something out.”

One thing I’m sure of is that Sarah’s Sanctuary is happening. Even if I have to build the whole thing with my own two hands.

He traces the line of my jaw with his thumb. “We’ll make a plan with Theresa, one that works for everyone. She knows that you and I are a packaged deal. And I’ll still help with the horses, Cass. The sanctuary is too important—I won’t let this affect that.”

I nuzzle my cheek against his palm. The words are lovely but hollow. He doesn’t know what could happen in the future. What his life will be like once this child is born. I bet it would be easier if he and Theresaweretogether.

“Was Theresa hoping to get back together with you?” I ask tentatively.

“No,” he says. “Not at all. In fact, she’s rather thrilled that you and I are a couple.”

That makes me sit up straight. “Oh right,” I say. “What the hell was that all about?”

“She said—and I quote—Cass knows family. Her childhood was…” He rubs the back of his neck. “Let’s just say it was hard. She never told me a lot of details, but I know her mum wasn’t a very good mum. She says she’s really happy to have so many checks and balances, so many involved adults in this baby’s life.”

Oh. Well, that’s a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t ever thought Theresa would feel anything but salty at my presence in Jaz’s life.

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