Page 59 of Growing Into Love

“It’s fine,” I tell Betty. “I’m sure Cass and I can make it work.”

Betty looks relieved. “Look, here are a couple of free drinks tickets for the last day of the show. She’s jumping in the Grand Prix, right?”

“Right,” I say.

“I bet she’ll want to celebrate after,” Betty says with a smile, handing me the tickets. “Oh, and I don’t know if you two were planning on going to the city at all—”

“You mean New York City?” I ask.

“The one and only.”

“We were actually.”

Betty brightens. “Oh great! So here are two free tickets to the Empire State Building. It’s a must-see for tourists and the views are incredible.”

She hands me the tickets and my spirits lift. Cass will love these.

“Thanks Betty,” I say.

“Thank you for being so accommodating,” she says.

I should head back to the room, but I think I’m in need of a drink first. And a moment alone. I go to the restaurant and take a seat at the bar.

“Whiskey, please. Neat,” I say to the bartender. I take out my phone and sigh. Theresa has texted me three more times today.

Come on, Jaz.

Call me please?

Jaz, I really want to talk to you.

I feel the strings tugging at me, my marionette hands itching to give into her. But I haven’t yet. Cass is right. I can’t go chiding her about decency in a partner when I let Theresa walk all over me. Like I’m worth nothing. Cass would never do that. She’s far too forthright, too full of moral indignation. When Cass chooses someone, I have the feeling it’s for good. No dithering about it, no running back and forth between two men. My stomach clenches and I put my phone away as the bartender sets the tumbler in front of me.

Declan needs to know that this sanctuary is going to be a reality and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Nor should he try. She’s got a brilliant plan—I’m kicking myself for treating her the way I did this morning. She’s right. It’s patronizing. Who am I to judge? I’m the one acting like a fucking idiot, running back to Theresa whenever she shows the slightest interest, knowing I’ll be hurt over and over again. Cass has plans and dreams and a boyfriend who supports her.

I take a slug of whiskey. I can’t change the past, but I can sure as hell change my future. Just because I’m lonely doesn’t mean I need to be satisfied with Theresa’s scraps. I want a real relationship, someone to start a family with, someone who will treat me the way Declan treats Autumn.

Or David the Dentist treats Cass. I can’t stop the edge to that thought, the sourness at her being with another man.

For a moment, I allow myself to imagine things differently. I imagine if it weremedating Cass. What that would feel like.

A burst of shivers erupts through my chest and sprinkles down like fireworks. The picture is so clear, it takes my breath away. Her running her sanctuary, saving so many horses in need. I would check on all of them of course, give her whatever help she required. I’d have more time off the practice now that I’ve got Clive’s help. I see the two of us together at Oak Hill, joining family dinners as a couple alongside Autumn and Dec, and Winter and Virgil. I imagine her in my bed, at my cottage, falling asleep with the warmth of her body in my arms and the scent of rosemary surrounding me. It would be effortless, easy. We already know each other so well.

I sip my drink and let my mind spin out, the fantasy taking further shape. I picture us getting married at Oak Hill, like Autumn and Declan did—something small and simple, for close friends and family. I see the tears in my mother’s eyes as she hugs Cass—Mum always wanted a daughter. I imagine us living together, lazy Sunday mornings in my kitchen with coffee and the paper before spending the afternoon at the sanctuary. Coming home after a hard day of working with animals. Cooking together. Laughing together. Maybe we’d get our own place. Somewhere new for a fresh start, close to Oak Hill so she can always be on call for her horses. I imagine her soft skin against mine every night, her hands on my cock no longer only shower-musings but real and sending me into spirals of bliss. I picture Cass radiantly pregnant, her belly swelling up with our child. She’d make such a fantastic mum. I can see our kids, playing side by side with Autumn and Declan’s, learning about farm work and riding the donkeys or feeding the lambs. I imagine all the skinned knees, the school plays, the tantrums, the tiny hugs from tiny hands.

In the span of ten minutes, I find myself falling, much like Alice did when entering Wonderland. When I surface, I’m a changed man.

I’ve spent so much time holding onto the past, as if it would somehow shape itself into the future I’ve always dreamed of. And all the while, that dream was right here in front me, staring me in the face. Or telling me not to be patronizing. Or flashing me a cheeky grin.

All this time, it’s been Cass.

“Drinking alone, are we?”

I’m yanked from this most perfect of realizations to see Nigella standing at the bar.

“Want some company?” she asks.

I down the rest of my whiskey and toss a bill on the table. “I’m done for the night,” I say.

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