Page 41 of Scoring with the Coach's Daughter

What made me think about that?

We haven’t been dating long enough to make those kinds of decisions. But the only alternative is a long-distance relationship and that would be a nightmare. So what are our choices?

God, this relationship feels impossible. Isn’t that always that way?

I’ve been here before—hoping, waiting, wondering if someone will call or if they’ll come back. I thought Rob would come back after the reality of my new life sunk in, but it was presumptuous on my part. I thought I knew him, we dated for two years, and he left me shortly after Ellie arrived. I should be counting my lucky stars that I didn’t have children with him given the fact he wasn’t accepting of Ellie. But now I wonder if it was his fault.

The scars remain and I worry I will never trust a man again. I thought Rob had my back, but I was wrong. Will Jake have my back?

The idea of saying goodbye to Jake makes my stomach churn. I don’t know how I’d look him in the eye and tell him we should break it off now, instead of waiting for the inevitable parting of ways. I think women are like milk and all relationships have an expiration date. The only issue Ihave with that is it could be days or weeks. And in that time, Ellie and I are getting—mm—attached.

He's been around so it’s not impossible to think he knows what he wants. But what man doesn’t think they want one thing when in reality, it’s not? Rob shocked me when he left. It’s as if our life deviated from the script and I wasn’t good enough for him.

I’m terrified that history will repeat itself. I’m afraid to let him in because it means risking my heart. Will Jake tire of me? But if I don’t give us a chance, I’m afraid of passing on the possibility of finding love and the possibility of us as a family and of expanding that family. I’d also lose the possibility of Jake as a father figure to Ellie.

Then there’s Dad and the fact that he never wanted us to date football players. The team is away from home and it’s tough on a marriage and the family. My father missed many dance recitals and plays over the years. And like Jake, he tried to be present when he was with us. Perhaps that’s what made the clam bakes an important part of my childhood—we were all together for the summer.

I roll onto my back again and hug the pillow tightly, trying to push my conflicting thoughts away. I’m stuck in this never-ending loop. I’m seesawing between wanting to leap into this and seeing where it takes me even though it’s probably not the smartest thing to do.

I’m too practical, and too grounded in reality to toss caution to the wind. My sister lived that way and look what happened to her. I want to believe in the fairytale and to let the chips fall where they may, like Jake, and dream the big dreams even if they seem impossible. Jake’s superpower is that he’s cavalier about trying new things and he’s not afraid to take risks, and that scares me, too.

“Get over it, Sam,” I mutter to myself, my voice barelyaudible in the stillness. I’ll never sleep if I overthink Jake and me. It’s so complicated.

It’s easier to keep my walls up. It’s safer this way. I’ll have fewer risks being alone than taking a chance on Jake and falling in love. I’ve spent years building this life for Ellie and me and letting Jake in feels like I’m asking for trouble.

Who gets their fucking happily ever after anyway?

It only happens in romance books and movies!

I close my eyes, squeezing them shut like it’ll somehow force the thoughts away. We’re adults when he leaves, I’ll have to figure out how to go back to the way things were before he arrived—before he made me start dreaming about what could be instead of what is.

But even as I tell myself that, I can still feel his presence and I take comfort in the fact that he hasn’t gone far. He was so fucking hot flipping pancakes in my kitchen. I can get used to him walking around in sweatpants and I imagine what he’ll look like in summer with his tanned body glistening under the sun as the ocean waves crash at our feet. Perhaps we’d have kids.

I hate how much I miss him. I yearn to have him kissing and teasing me. He’s the yin to my yang. He has a way of making everything feel just a little bit brighter and lighter.

I drift off into a fitful sleep. Will Jake come by tomorrow?

Morning dawns and dark clouds outside match my black mood.

Jake’s not here.

I’m filled with apprehension as I enter the kitchen and Ellie is pulling out ingredients for pancakes. My heart breaks a little because Jake’s not here.

“Where’s Jake? I want to crack eggs for the pancakes.” She stands on the kiddie stool to reach the mixing cup, grabs it, and placesit on the counter.

I glance anxiously out the screen door as I make coffee.

“I’m not sure. He might be sleeping in,” I reply. Ellie already thinks of us as a family, but Jake and I are still trying to figure out what we are to each other. I envy her sometimes because her world isn’t complicated with men and life-altering decisions.

I glance at my phone and judging from the time, I wonder if he’ll be taking Ellie to camp today.

My heart skips like a stone across a creek when I hear a knock at the door.

Ellie bolts to the back door and greets Jake. “I knew you’d be there. We’re making red velvet pancakes today!”

“Are we?” he asks, glancing at me for feedback.

“Yeah, we’re really hungry,” I add, pulling the frying pan out of the cabinet.

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