Page 39 of Revenge

At one point we got into a huge argument across the dinner table, much to Suki’s despair. And the next day, Gerard told me I was being sent away to boarding school.

It was like another kick in the teeth.

For most of my life, I had been passed around like an unwanted parcel, dragged relentlessly into different families, attempting to make connections so I belonged somewhere. I had spent a huge portion of my life with a hollow pain inside my stomach; one that no number of stepfathers could fill.

Abandonment issues, my family GP had suggested, due to my father leaving us when I was so young.

All my life I had craved to be part of a normal existence and to fit into whatever that normal looked like.

And for that first year in the cocoon of the Kinlan family, I had been given a taste of it. It was Kai who had put a spanner in the works due to his change in attitude and I blamed him for my being sent away. Hence the reason I rebelled.

Anton made it more bearably at school in Brighton but I was deemed as a mafia princess; stuck up, believing I was better than everyone else, when that just wasn’t the case.

Of course, even in the beginning when things were good, my life couldn’t have been labelled as normal. My obliviousness of what my stepfather did for a living was a pretence. I looked the other way like any other female in the mob, but I wasn’t stupid, I knew his business was dripping with illegal activity.

I had alwayscraveda normal life. Away from stifling mafia families and their archaic attitudes towards women.

At least being away at school had given me a semblance of space from that.

As I got to know Anton better, he confessed that he’d purposefully befriended me to try and get information about my stepfather. It turned out that Anton’s mother had been in a relationship with Gerard Kinlan years ago and things had ended badly; so much so that Anton’s mom tried to take her own life. He explained that as he got to know me, he realised I wasnothinglike he expected and wanted to come clean. I was happy he did as it made us closer.

When I went home at Christmas, my mother was an entirely different person. She’d had her breasts enlarged and was a shell of the woman she had been. Gerard had also changed. He became way too familiar with me and said inappropriate things. I wasn’t stupid, I knew it was wrong, but I brushed it off. It made me feel uncomfortable and dirty and I started to hide away in my room.

On New Year's Eve, the Kinlan’s threw a huge party and invited some big hitters from the criminal world. I had purposefully avoided Kai for most of that night, he had been with his friends and hardly gave me a second look. Suki had one of her headaches and spent most of the night in her room.

During the early hours, I had nipped downstairs to get a drink of water wearing my shortie PJs thinking everyone had gone home. It had been quiet downstairs but Gerard and a few of his colleagues were in his study. As I passed the door, he called me in.

I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my night clothes in a room full of old men. Gerard had patted his knee, introducing me as his pretty stepdaughter.

Pushing off the bed, I walked towards the window and looked down into the gardens. The leering looks from the sweaty fat fucks that were in that study swam around my head, as did the smell of stale cigars and alcohol. I was now almost twenty but I remembered that moment like it was yesterday.

Gerard had pulled me onto his lap and the men in there had laughed and jeered and I had beenterrified. Smiling and playing along with it, I will never forget how Gerard had groped me in front of those people and how they had done nothing.

He had pushed his hand up my top and grabbed one of my breasts.

“You’ve got to appreciate a real pair of tits,” my stepfather had said, his cheeks beet red. I couldn’t believe my mother could ever bring herself to kiss those sluglike lips. “You’re filling out nicely Ava.”

A balding man who sat across from Gerard’s chair started to stroke himself through his trousers. I remember glancing down and seeing the bulge there. I was amazed how I managed to keep still and allow it to happen but what else could I do? The man had leaned over and run his hand up my bare leg, the same hand that had been squeezing his erection, “I bet she has a sweet virgin, cunt,” he said, spit running down his chin.

I had been fifteen.

With a cry, I had managed to shift to the side, the movement pushing my bottom cheeks into Gerard’s crotch which thankfully was soft. But I willneverforget how it felt to be forced to sit there as my stepfather fondled me, squeezing my nipple beneath my pyjama top.

Dirty and ashamed and so very much alone.

Once Gerard let me go, I fled his office and ran up the stairs to my room slamming into Kai’s chest.

He’d caught my arms, holding me gently as he stared into my face in shock.

Tell him! Tell him what his father did!My inner self had said, but I couldn’t do it. I had trusted him once and he’d let me down. I was too scared, terrified he’d call me a liar.

“Ava, what’s wrong? Are you OK?” Kai had questioned with an expression of concern. That look had cut into me and I’d thrown my hands around his neck and clung to him.

I remember his strong arms coming around me, holding me tight like we were the only two people on the planet until sense kicked in.

He’s Gerard’s son and he hates you. Do you really think he will take your side?

I’d yanked out of his arms and fled to my room and he hadn’t followed me.

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