Page 112 of Revenge

“Maybe not and I know things are complicated right now. But that’s life isn’t it, you take the rough with the smooth,”

“But the rough in my word is death and destruction,”

“And there you go again. You talk about this beingyourworld but it’s very much mine too and has been for most of my life.”

Kai walked around the desk and sat against it, staring across at the fire. I moved to do the same.

“When I was twelve years old, I was initiated into my father’s gang. I was taught how to cause the most pain possible to the human body. It was unlikeanythingI had seen in horror movies.”

I swallowed but didn’t stop him. It appeared it was confession time.

“The sound a man makes as you peel his fingernails back with a pair of pliers stays with you for a while.”

I said nothing, the thought of that would usually have made my eyes water but I remained calm and in control. I knew at that moment what Kai wanted to achieve.

He was pushing me away again.

“Waterboarding, hammering nails into the kneecaps of traitors, taking a life with my bare hands. Removing part of someone’s ear with my teeth. I’ve done it all, Ava. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes. But that is what you were born into. You were a child, forced into it,”

“It doesn’t matter. I did those things, as a child, then as a teenager and now as a man. It’s like a never-ending cycle. You don’t belong with me for twelve minutes let alone twelve months. You want out and I am giving that to you.”

“I know I said that and that’s the way I felt once. But the ‘out’ has one very important thing missing from it.”

He sighed deeply and I could tell he was tired from the tone of his voice, “And what is that?”

“You, Kai.” He turned against the desk towards me, his eyes searching my face. “The last two years have been the hardest of my life. I thought it was due to having to live my life on the run and the fear of being caught. Now I realise that I was scared at the thought ofnotbeing caught. Spending my life out there and alone and being part of that nothing forever. Being back here in London and with you, I no longer feel lost.”

He pushed off the desk and faced me, “Because yourmotheris here. You're confusing your feelings.”

“No Kai,notbecause of Suki, because of you.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“Well, for someone to have so much power over one person that has to meansomething,” I said.

“And what the hell is that? You feel something towards a man who turned his back on you as a child, and let his father molest you. The same man who then kidnapped you and forced you to give him a year of your life?”

I felt such a surge of sadness, “I know. It doesn’t make sense but life doesn’t generally.”

“For Christ's sake, Ava. Iabandonedyou when you needed me the most. How can I ever let that go? How can you?”

“I know you have your regrets, Kai but the same ones live inside of me. They are like tied-up demons captured in the basement ofmyheart. What Gerard did was wrong, and he has paid for that now. As you said at the farm, it’s over.”

“But what about your closure? Those things you wanted to say, his apology to you?”

“I don’t care about those things now. He knew I was the one who set him up and he died with that thought in his mind.Thatis my closure.”

“Whilst you remain here with me, it isn’t over. I have shit to take care of, plans, and you will only be in the way; like aconstantreminder of my failings. I can’t think straight with you so close. That’s the other reason you can’t stay.”

“There are regrets, but it’s time to let them go. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking back into the past, it’s time to move forward and we can do that together, Kai.”

I was close to throwing myself on my knees before him, something I had promised I would never do again after that time in the basement. Kai had not liked me humbling myself before him. And why? Because hedoescare.

“I don’t think I can, Ava. You always put me on a pedestal, and I don’t deserve to be there. I havenothingto offer you. You deserve rainbows and sunshine, not the dark emptiness inside of me.”

Taking a deep breath, I put my hand on his cheek and turned his face to mine, “We’re not that different. I too like to disconnect from my feelings when they become complicated, it’s easier to hide than deal with shit. Why do you think I ran? But I’m no longer terrified of being swallowed by the underworld if you are waiting for me at the bottom of it.”

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